Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-03-15 00:45:17 (UTC)

Frayed and alone

I am raw, used from last night. I can feel that telltale sign of wanting a little pain to numb what I feel. Sex as punishment is a fitting motto to me now. Of course, I won't. That destructive tendency is there and burns and will be left to simply burn itself out. My life has no place for the self-destructive anymore. Which brings me to the man of the hour, my new/old love.

The magnetism that he has ignited in me is surprising. He had mentioned as much and I disregarded what I now have come to understand was a warning. I am magnetic now. Strangers want my eye and word and everyone smiles way, way too much. I have veritable strangers attempting jokes to illicit a smile from my lips and those who know me are forming a queue for my attention. It is both tiring and alive with possibility. And the honey that flows from their lips engulf my senses.

Now I have the world knocking at my door; I wish to be the shadow or wallpaper and be left alone. And last night replays every time my eyes close. Is it so very lucky to have another shot at first love, at that all encompassing passion, connection? But is it? Is it the evil wrought by an overactive midlife failure to bury what is dead rather than playing weekend at Bernie's with it? And what of his desire to be there with me as I struggle through the dark gutters of my past? Do I even dare go there with anyone? Have I not simply rounded the corner and forgotten the dark that so long colored my world? And now that I am in pain again, is anything worth this torment? What is the intrinsic value of suffering? If my past no longer determines my future, why not leave the sleeping dogs lie? Why didn't I call him? I hurt, I needed and I turned away from him and went to my steady loving husband. What does that mean, if anything? What is possibility worth? What is my current life worth? I feel like I am in hiding until I find out, from everyone who wants me, and maybe most importantly, myself.




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