LustingforNightmares

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2017-03-12 15:06:07 (UTC)

Breakthrough!


"Fantasy Island" by The Shins

It's like I never was a kid, the big math just wasted youth on me
Making impressions like I did, your friends never thought that much of me
And now I want to fall into something else
An origami plane to a distant island
And I don't want to show you my feelings
I don't want to force you to deal
I just want to crash through the ceiling
Before it gets too real

March 12, 2017 Sunday 4:31 PM

People, it's a miracle! I had a breakthrough in therapy! It was an accident.

Yesterday morning, I was telling Pat about how me and Isaac are broken up (I think??? I hope...) and at first, she was kind of like, eh... She didn't like it, because of the way I had phrased the situation, which was pretty much: "He wanted to spend more time with me and I was like, no."
And for a bit of the session, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me since I seem to go through these periods of semi-hate towards people I used to really like! It doesn't happen with everyone.

Anyway, I realized why this happens!!!!!

It happens because of emotional intelligence, people!!! I get frustrated when I discover that people I really like I stuck in some kind of emotional rut, because I want to help them fix it but I know I can't and I hate the fucked up stuff that comes out of those ruts!!!

EXAMPLE: Liv

Back when Liv and I were fighting, it was because I was annoyed by what I perceived as Intense Self-pity. She was very sad and lonely, just generally letting herself drown in a bad situation. Liv was very negative, in short. And this is why we ended up fighting. I remember being annoyed with Liv for a very long time. She wanted to see a psychiatrist at some point so she asked me how the medication helped her. I remember sitting her down. I told her that it wasn't a solution. It might help ease some of the symptoms, but in the end you're still going to have to change the way you look at the world in order to function like a Normal Hooman Bein'.

I am not saying I was right to be angry. I think it's still kind of shitty that I get so intensely frustrated by other peoples' emotional issues. You'd think my own problems would've left me with a shitload of empathy for things like this. But no. Instead, I have a feeling like I wanna force them into the healing stage—but I know I can't. That is a decision that they have to make themselves.

I think I helped guide Liv towards a healing stage (she's confident and positive now—still has problems, but is strong about them. I am also improved because of Liv), kind of how she got me out of my shell (I was a lot more socially awkward before becoming friends with Liv. If I hadn't met her, I probably never would've joined track, or applied for my early college program, or entered any of the competitions I've been involved in).

Anyway, because of how we both changed each other, we became best friends and the stage of hate stopped. Sometimes I still hate her a little, but I realize that THOSE feelings stem from jealousy and not from actually annoyance or anything.

IN THE CASE OF ADRIAN:

The stage of hate has yet to cease! And now, I know why.
It's because Adrian hasn't changed.

I've talked to him. I've had small disagreements with him. I've told him directly, "Adrian, you don't need to change yourself in order to get people to like you. Actually, I think you're way more interesting when you're being yourself." That last part is sort of a lie, because I don't actually know what Adrian is like when he is himself. I can't tell. I always sort of feel like he's lying to me.

Adrian is what Pat calls "a shapeshifter" and what Sandwich calls "a phony." He just changes himself around people. He changes his opinions. I suspect it's so deeply ingrained that he doesn't even realize he's doing it. He does it in Peer Leadership too, so he comes off like an expert even though I'm pretty sure all he's doing is reflecting old words back in our direction. His "intelligent thoughts" are not his own; they're just someone else's ideas in a different order.

Adrian knows he used to be a people-pleaser, and he thinks he is better, but I disagree. And it's a shame that he can't see his habits haven't gone away.

I'm glad that Liv sees it; she said she hopes he finds himself one day. And she also mentioned that it really annoys her when Adrian tries to give artistic advice as if he knows what he's talking about. The thing is, Adrian is smart and he DOES know stuff. But when he gives artistic criticism, or when he talks about music, he sounds less intelligent and more like a parrot. Maybe this is a faulty impression. Maybe he really is giving genuine, original advice!

But it never sounds like it. He always sounds like he's giving a performance instead—reading from a script.

Again, Adrian is smart. I know this. But I can't help feeling as if he's stupid, and I realized that I feel this way because I judge intelligence more on emotions than I do on knowledge and the ability to manipulate it. Adrian is stupid about his emotions. He doesn't know who he is.


ANOTHER EXAMPLE: ALEXIS

I've never experienced a hate stage with Alexis. This is because Alexis has been, since I met her, very emotionally intelligent. Generally, she is just a smart person, but yeah. She's always had a strong handle on her emotions. She's not always good at expression or experiencing her emotions, but she knows enough to not let them interfere with her relationships and interactions, y'know? While people like Adrian and Isaac let emotion modulate their perceptions, Alexis does not. She searches for the source of her feelings and tries not to take them out on people.

I've never had a reason to be frustrated with Alexis because she's never let her problems spill over the edge. I can't say the same for myself, haha.


EXAMPLE ISAAC:

Isaac's dumb. He's got a brain and he could be very smart, but instead he allows himself to rely on "intuition" which is really just feelings. He thinks his intuition is mostly right, but that's because Isaac does not think about this scientifically. If he really kept a clean record, he might see that his emotions may
1) create a self-fulfilling prophecy, therefore making him BELIEVE his intuition is reliable
2) not actually be as reliable as he thinks. He may just have a confirmation bias.
3) Probably other stuff, I dunno. Rule of threes.

Isaac believes he is entitled to things. He's not arrogant, but he thinks a lot of himself, I guess. He thinks he is special somehow; original.

I think the same thing about myself, to be fair, but I try to stuff it down by remembering people like Einstein and fuckin' Albert Camus so that I can realize, hey.... wow... I'm Nothing.

I do not think Isaac has the same regulatory thoughts. I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing. But his entitlement is not a good thing.
His feelings of entitlement are what makes him misbehave in class. He feels like he deserves respect first thing. When a teacher says he can't go to the bathroom, he goes anyway.

I understand that denying someone permission to go to the bathroom feels disrespectful, but Isaac doesn't seem to understand that teachers are doing their job. Most of the time, they aren't trying to be cruel, they're trying to stay in control of the situation. Yes, it may feel like young people get less respect than elders. This is true. Young people do get less respect.

There are reasons for this. Not all of them are good. You could argue that teachers should treat students like equals, but where would that get them? Sure, it would work for students like me, but for other kids? No, it wouldn't. Isaac is not exactly a good student. He doesn't show teachers his intelligence. So why should he be treated like an honors student?

I'm not saying lower level students are lesser human beings, man. I'm saying teachers have to exact more authority over kids who don't really care in order to make progress. Honors students have a tendency to care about their education. That, or the work is just easy to them. They get it done without needing as much coercion.

You've gotta understand that this is a pattern. Isaac is in the lower-level student group. So teachers expect more trouble from him. And, fuck, Isaac doesn't even prove them wrong.

He expects respect before he gives it.

And he kind of expected that from me, too. I told him that I couldn't give him what he wanted, which was a traditional boyfriend-girlfriend experience. Isaac did not want to accept that, and he felt he deserved my time and my adoration. Well, he gets neither. Understanding his emotional blindness made me frustrated, and that frustration kind of pushed out any romantic feelings I had, so it's over.

By the way, entitlement is not Isaac's only emotional issue. He's also kind of depressed and hateful because he's spent most of his life isolated. He doesn't have a lot of empathy for other people; he's got strong, negative opinions based on negative experiences rather than rational thought.

So yeah. He bases a lot on his own experiences and emotions, which leads to a lot of bad decisions. And he doesn't seem to realize he's doing it, either.

He always said, "I know you hate emotions," and I'd always have to interrupt him in order to say, "I've told you like ten times, I don't hate emotions! I'm very emotional! I just don't let my emotions make my decisions for me."

Isaac thinks he's very emotional, which he is, but he doesn't understand the sources of his own feelings. He doesn't TRY to understand. OKAY, enough repeating myself. Point is, Isaac = not very emotionally intelligent, at least not up to my standards. My standards exist only because I seem to get frustrated with people who can't communicate above a certain level. Does that make sense?

Anyway, Pat understood my Emotional Unintelligence Aversion. EUA. Ew. Ha. hhahaha. Anyway. She thought I was right to decide not to shoulder Isaac's problems, and she doesn't think there is something wrong with me for having those hateful periods!!!! YAYyyyY!YY!Y!Y!YY!

I feel relieved, people. For the first time, I think I could actually handle a romantic relationship. It would just need to be with someone who can deal with their issues.

DISCLAIMER:

This entry details my perceptions of people, so the information may be inaccurate. In the end, it may be that I am stupid and I have very little patience for people; it may have little to do with emotional intelligence.

I can't help feeling like I'm so wrong about everything. Maybe I just suck. Ahhghg.

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Brain Bee is next weekend. MUST. GO. STUDY. Also, I have to pee.

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Got offered the waitlist at Colorado College. I really like Colorado College so I'm going to sign up for the waitlist. I think I probably wouldn't been admitted if I applied Early Decision, but I didn't wanna be bound, especially if I miraculously made it into my first choice.



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