LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2017-03-08 18:38:18 (UTC)

From, Like, Five Days Ago

March 8, 2017 Wednesday 6:38 PM

Isaac and I just got in a really big fight over the phone. It started as a normal conversation, but as usual, he said something like, "You should spend more time with me," and I said something like, "No," and he was like, "Why do you do that?" And so on, so on.
Towards the end, he asked for a break.

I said, "Awesome... No, really, I mean that." And he hung up without saying anything else.

I didn't say "awesome no really" just to hurt him. Well, maybe a little, but I also really meant it. That's what I've been wanting. More accurately, I've been wanting to break up with him because of how needy he is.

Anyway, I was surprised when I cried, since—again—I've been planning on doing it. I was gonna wait til I saw him in person, though. Actually, I've kind of been avoiding him because I'm not sure how to break up with someone. Not that that is a problem now. I laughed and cried, actually, and I don't think I feel too bad.

I'm just angry. He kept wanting things from me. And the thing is, his requests weren't even all that unreasonable, but they're not what I'm used to. Isaac expects the occasional phone call and he expects to see me in person at least once in a week for the length of a conversation or two, at the least.

But no one else I know has ever asked that of me. I know Adrian has gone out of his way to spend time with me, but he never asked me to reciprocate, which is something I can appreciate (although Adrian HAS really been pissing me off and also making me sad lately). Liv and I hang out, like, ONCE a month. At the most. I barely see her throughout a school day. Sometimes I don't see her at all. We only text each other when we have something to say. Sometimes she'll call me and we'll talk on the phone for like an hour. Anyway, the same goes for all of my friends. Maybe we don't see each other all the time, but we're secure enough to realize that that is okay. The space is good.

Isaac just makes me feel like a bad person or something. Like my grandma, haha.... Both have similar complaints, I guess. You don't spend enough time with me, you're too focused on your schoolwork, etc. etc.

I'm sorry I'm fucking shitty and selfish. Sorry I don't want to waste my time on you. (Isaac was all, "Your time is sooo precious, isn't it?")
Well, fuck you. My time IS precious. Not because I'm special, but because it's my fucking time and I have fucking goals, unlike you. You're happy sitting around your house depressed, but I am not. I don't want to be depressed—worse, I don't want that depression compounded by a realization that I never did anything worthwhile. If I wake up wanting to kill myself when I'm 35, at least I will have accomplished some things hopefully. I don't want to die having whittled away my life on an emptiness that doesn't last.

Maybe I'm a bit vain. I know. It's selfish, it's superficial, to want to be remembered, and to work so that that dream may be achieved. I know that eventually, everyone'll be dead and everything I called 'worthwhile' rendered moot, but like. I don't know.

Some people have gods. For me, it's kind of this pursuit of "greatness" that gives my life meaning. It's stupid when I look at it that way, but what am I to do? Everyone needs meaning. I believe humanity is somewhat an accident. I don't think we really exist for a reason. I don't think there is such thing as 'the meaning of life.' But I still need something to work towards.

Ugh, ugh, ugh. The point is, in the end, my time is valuable—maybe not to others, but to me.

And I'm sorry I haven't spent enough time on you. Believe me, you're not the first person to complain. But you're the first person to expect that of me. Wait, actually, second. Grandma was first, haha. Point is, you think you have a right to my time and attention, but you don't and you never did, and I never lied about that.

Ugh, okay, whatever. Isaac, you are wrong.

But I'm also wrong. And I suck as a human being. And I think I'm going to try and keep to myself for the next couple weeks because... I dunno, I just feel shitty. Even before all this, I felt bad. I've felt sort of out of it since last Thursday... It's weird. Every night, sick and tired but I can't sleep, every morning, wanting to sleep in, unable to imagine going to school. And then during the day, I have bad thoughts about people, and it sounds like I'm depressed but that doesn't make sense because I feel okay.

---

Liv says the following: "just drop his pussy ass. His emotions trigger/annoy me"

I LOVE HER

---

On to better news, since Isaac news is pretty much always terrible (this is to be expected—these rough patches are kind of a pattern in my relationships, romantic and non-romantic alike).

I WON THE LOCAL BRAIN BEE! And I won $1000!!! Oh, oh, oh, and my early college program thing is gonna do a video interview with me next week, AND I get to take a picture with the people awarding me $1000!! I hope I get to hold a giant check. The national Brain Bee is next weekend, so I'll be going down to Maryland for thaaaat... And yeah!

I've just been studying a lot since I won last week. I got some textbooks, and the neuroscientist down the hall gave me like 10 books, one of them about neuroanatomy, so yeah. Now I just need to read up on neurohistology and how to read MRI scans and shit like dat.

Fuck, I should probably go. I need to get ready for tomorrow and I gotta read my textbook chapter if I'm going to keep up with my reading.


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