All that is
A great deal
I've already envisioned my life with you. You'd Arrive home from work and I'd be in our beautifully decorated living room filled with pieces from all our travels. I'd be with a group of friends. I'd hear your car pulling in and my face would light up with excitement, "Adm is home" I'd say to myself with a sudden smile, rushing to the door - a total contrast from the demeanour I displayed around them moments earlier. I'd let you in, buoyantly kissing and cuddling you, burrowing myself under your arm. You'd smile a smile of self satisfaction and contentment. This is everything you've ever wanted - the adoration, the warmth. Then you walk into our living room where my friends see you for the first time. You're six foot 7 and they're taken by this fact, of course. Meanwhile I shamelessly relish their reactions, enjoying how their eyes roam over your face and your body just a touch too long. I suppress a smile at the stares and the lingering silence and you also seem to be doing the same. Your presence commands attention, yet your disposition is warm and unassuming. Amidst the buzz of my friends' unuttered chatter our own eyes meet and we both succumb to the smiles that we were suppressing.
Or how about the one where I meet your elder sister and the two of us bond instantly over how much joy we get from needling you. I tell her she's worse than I am, teasing her about how she won't leave you alone. Or how well I get on with your mum. We talk about literature and history, i impress her with my knowledge and opinions, displaying my intelligence in such a way that both asserts my strength of mind and reveres her own. You see? Now I keep getting this feeling at the bottom of my chest which I imagine is what a mild panic attack feels like, at the thought that you don't feel the same way about me as I feel about u - it seems I have invested such a great deal in the magnificence of our future together and in so little time, that I fear it may be too late to go back without causing myself a great deal of harm. Lord help me.