All that is
I spoke to adam last tuesday night. we spoke for almost 4 hours i think. I don't know whether to attribute that to the fact that he feels just the same way i do, on some level or if it's more to do with the fact that he's so nice and he doesn't know how to hang up first. We've not spoken since. the last time we spoke until 3 am, he emailed saying 'it's been less than 12 hours since we spoke and ...' that was such a nice surprise. but this time round, nothing. and I anticipated it too. it felt like i'd over-cooked a really good meal and because i'd spoiled my memory of it i was not going to cook it for a while. i felt like he felt that too. I feel like he's probably sensed my attachment slightly and has decided to fade me a little, to pull away. i dunno. but usually my instincts are correct. and the fact that i've not heard from him at all since tuesday/wednesday possibly proves this. it's now up to me to wait, i think. wait and see whether he'll contact me first. it's worth noting that every time we've spoken on the phone it's been i who has initiated it. i've asked, usually something like 'shall we do a call tonight?' and his response is always 'yes'. but that's not anything to go by, since like i said, he's too nice to say no. now i'm left feeling lost, and melancholy and depressed and everything inbetween.
1. First of all, because i don't know when i'll see him again. I mean, I know it's either this summer or christmas, but then i can't be sure if it's mutual that's the pain. If it was a case of 'i miss you too' then that might go some way in settling me. on the other hand tho its not like it isn't. for instance, I'll ask 'do you miss me?' and he'll say 'small' in jest. and we'll be talking and the fact that he plans to do his masters in australia for two years possibly more, will be looming above me. and i'm thinking what's the point of chatting the way we are, if he's going to go off. and I wouldn't want to stop him from having this big adventure and experiencing everything. He said he's not ready for a relationship right now, because there's still a financial benchmark that he wants to hit before he settles down. And that if he had a girlfriend now, he feels like he would be emotionally selfish. like he wouldn't be able to give her the attention she would want. and that she would suffer emotionally. I wasn't sure whether these were just things he was saying to 'chicken out'. cos let's be honest that's what guys say when they're not wanting to be with you. and meanwhile you're thnking 'bullshit - if you met someone you we're really into nothing would stop you from wanting to be with them.' that's just not the way that people live - they don't say 'ok i've now reached my financial benchmark, so i can now be with someone seriously'. On the one hand what he's saying kinda communicates to me that he's obviously a planner and has expectations for his life, and actually wants a serious relationship and therefore doesn't see the point in having a relationship right now if it's not going to lead to a serious place. on the other hand he could just be telling me in a round about way, and perhaps without knowing he's doing so himself, that im not the one he wants a relationship with. I asked him if i was in lagos, whether he thought he and i would be together - and he responded that there's a possibility but he'd definitely try to it because like he said, it's not what he's looking for right now. Then after a slight pause asked me himself, probably after sensing my anxiety 'do you want a relationship between us?' I wanted to scream out 'YESSSSSSSSSSS !' but instead i dilly-dallied around and asked him 'what do you mean?' wanting to savour the moment and the question a little longer. then he responded 'because i know you like me, and obviously i like you too, so i just want to be clear and know what...(i don't remember what he said after)..' then i said something along the lines of 'it wouldn't be practical right now because you're there and i;m here and obviously you're going away to do your masters and it might not be practical, so I wouldn't want to put a label on anything yet..(i think he also said, the last time we spoke tht he wouldn't want to put a label on anything, so i just lifted his same exact lines. I remember when he said those things to me, my hope rested on the '...yet...' - so did that mean that there was a possibility at some point down the line? After i said this, he seemed more settled and said, ok we're on the same page... i thought 'hmm i'm not quite sure about that boo'
2. Second of all, what are my expectations? Tayln asked me today when i was speaking to him about my malaise. i was too embarrassed to say that my expectations were for us to date exclusively, eventually get married and then have his babies. so instead was like hmm i'm not sure. it's weird to say, but literally if he asked me to marry him, i would say yes in a heartbeat. it's mad cos we've only spent two weeks with eachother but i've never met anyone who was so calm yet so full of life.
3. Thirdly, I wonder whether what i'm feeling has been intensified by the distance between us? I mean, if i'd been with someone for two weeks here, dating them, would i be feeling this way? but that's a silly question to ask, cos firstly, the guys here clearly don't date like the guys in naija. it's a lesser intensity. i spent two weeks and saw adam almost every day. I met his friends, he invited me to this conference where i was to meet his sister (even tho i couldn't make it), he picked me up, dropped me, stayed at my hotel, and never once made me feel like it was getting much. i don't know whether that's just because i was visitng and it was a novelty for him too. I don't know. I'm sure it's made more intense by our circumstances for sure. Who's to say that if I was there, we wouldn't still be together?
So what am i gonna do?? My plan was to not speak with him anymore, after our chat last week (well not anymore, but just to tone it down a little) to help me to focus on my work. Forcing myself to not speak with him will definitely help it fade i think. Or maybe it won't i don't know. but it'd be a good way to see how i feel about him in a week. Although I've kinda relapsed with this message i sent to him just now, sharing birth of a nation with him. I didn't mean to. I just meant to go on there and send him the mp4 link and be done. but i couldn't resist a cheeky little message. He actually does bring it out of me tho, that playfulness. The other thing tho is that i kind of don't want to get over him, i'm afraid that if i don't talk to him, i'll stop feeling this way about him, or worse that he'll stop thinking about me. And if that happens, if I return over the summer, will he have cooled down? will things be different? Or will we in fact pick up from where we stopped?
Just sent him a link to a movie on google drive (birth of a nation) with this message. tehehe.
Dear valued customer,
We are experiencing some difficulties with the shipment of your recent order, 'City of God'. In the meantime please accept 'Birth of a Nation' as a consolation (plis no vex, just manage am).
Our logistics team, led by the highly qualified and supremely capable Ms. xxxxx (CPA, CPF, M.Eng, CPL) are working hard to resolve the issue. We thank you for your patience.
Customer Relations Manager