Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-03-09 19:27:11 (UTC)

What's this?

Full disclosure I have been a crazy jealous girlfriend in the past. Not quite windshield smashing kind but certainly not one any former boyfriend would have nor should have felt safe saying "She's got a nice ass!" to. I am not proud of my wayward ways but they were a seemingly integral part of my basic personality.
I am in an open relationship and, yes, for the bulk of its openness it has been embarrassingly one-sided. I got all the freedom and my husband got all the traditional monogamy. I should and did catch a lot of hell for this with the poly community. I tried towards the end of this period to wrap my mind around what it would feel like to see, with my own two eyes, a lover or my husband with another. Internally, even in my imagination, it wasn't pretty. Lots of petty, small emotions and my logical mind trying to tell me how badly I was overacting pulling me this way and that.
Enter my old flame in his open relationship and something fell into place for me. It isn't that I don't feel jealousy; I very much envy the in person time. But do I still feel the nasty grasping and desperation of before?
Sitting still I summoned to mind the image of my old flame and an attractive, loved partner and watched them kiss and saw the smile beam from his face. And then, felt something surprising, a slight warm smile curving on my lips in response. I was happy to see him made happy by his partner. On recollection, I feel tears welling; I just thought I would never get here.
I have no doubt I will yet feel some ugly emotions; my heart is open wide and prone to such outbursts, but it is amazing to have a place of love to reflect on if and when those things arise.




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