Mimi

All that is
Ad 2:
2017-03-03 19:41:56 (UTC)

So far so good

So not to jinx it or anything, but this giving up social media thing is actually going OK. dunnot whether it's too early to start talking but I mean, I', done work which I'm sure i wouldn't have been able to do, or that if i did, would have taken my three times the amount of energy and effort to begin to start. And my mind feels clearer. Like if i'm having a conversation, i'm not thinking of my phone, i'm more present. I think anyway. but we'll see. I've not really craved it so much either. Of course, the thought of what's happening, or who's messaged me has crossed my mind, but not enough to compel me to check it. I just deleted the app, and voila. A lot easier than it seems to be honest. Just do it. But I'll concede that a large part of the ease with which i've been able to give up social media, has to do with the fact that adm also gave it up for lent. This fact has made it easier for several reasons.
Firstly the mere act of feeling like I'm doing something with him, or we're doing it together made the challenge more attractive in a way. To feel like this thing connects us, and we're both experiencing this detox of information and noise.
Secondly, the fact that Adm is not on social media currently, makes it easier because there is not the pang to "check" on him - not in a stalkery way per se (although in all honesty, is there any other way?) - but rather to see if he's updated anything, no compulsion to see if he's sent me a message, to see whether he's liked that bitches new photo or anything. Cos let's be honest, social media becomes more addictive when you have a crush or love interest who is also on it, and who follows you.
He also says that he likes challenging himself - to prove that he has a certain level of control over himself. So when something is distracting, or becomes a huge part of your life, to prove that you can do without it. I of course have not gone to that extent, and i'm not starting at the same point as him where the element of self-control is a big factor, but it was still inspiring and is part of the reason i'm doing it.
Thirdly, I think that coming back from naij it was exactly waht i needed to re-focus, and stop spending so much time longing. I'd always be looking at photos and thinking ok whhich one shall i post now, of course with the intention of having a particular set of people see it and like it.
Although worryingly, I sent him an email last night, since he also gave up whatsapp, and he hasn't replied. In the email i said that I'd been 'indulging' and that i thought of him, which I did. When i smoke, i won't like i get all up in my feelings. super. and that ability or tendency to always simultaneously consider how the other person will receive your expressions of whatever it is you may be expressing, which makes you curtail certain expressions, totally reduces or completely disappears. instead what happens is an imagined reciprocation of feelings - my thinking changes from "I better keep my words in check, because they may not feel exactly the same way" to "OF COURSE, they feel exactly how I'm feeling right now and I must express it so that they know!" And this is exactly what I did in my email - of course I didn't go all out, but I told him that i thought of him, something that I would never say to someone i liked who I wasn't sure felt just the same. I'm generally not a soppy sounding person, so even that "i thought of you" expression was pushing it. After typing that, the rest of my email moved to a more light-hearted, jokey tone. Perhaps I felt the threat of a soppy heart-pour looming and I reigned it in. Although i do enjoy needling him a lot and I don't quite think I can help it. Like it literally became my favourite thing to do when I was in lagos. When I think of him, I can't help but crack a joke. Even in my own mind.
Anywho. So what's the deal? I haven't heard from d nigga. Sup. I'll hopefully arrange a call with him on Sunday evening.

Another thing I want to start doing is writing every day. even if it's just a paragraph. In this paragraph i'll write down one thing i want to complete that day. when i get better at meeting those targets i'll try to raise it to two things. small small. cos i'm that bad.


Ad:2