TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-02-17 18:58:55 (UTC)

Slavery and Domination Part 4

The girl I picture as my sex slave was/is very real. I have no idea where she is now and it's been 30 years since I last saw her. She would also be in her 40's now .
She was for a time my next door neighbor. She had a lot of siblings and my siblings and I played outside with them a lot. *Bridget was about nine years old and I was twelve at the time. She was a beautiful girl with long jet black hair parted in the style for that time, with huge blue eyes and this pink mouth drawn in almost a bow. Skinny with little bumps for boobs considering her age. I absolutely hated this girl. In one way I was jealous even though I was pretty girl myself but she was just exquisite, almost like a doll you want to play dress up with. In fact, one of the things she would like to play was dress up. For some reason in the backyard they had this old mobile home with bags and bags of clothes and we would go in there and try things on. Her older sister was slutty and she was always talking about how she would do nasty things with the boys. (Whether she meant boys at school or the men in the house I was never sure. They were rednecks and a bunch of them lived in the house.)
Anyway, so I hated poor Bridget and at the same time wanted to play with her too. She had this look in her eyes I didn't understand then...all I knew was that it made me angry and made me want to control or do things to her. At times I caught my father looking at her because she was in his favorite age range. I am sure that had something to do with the jealousy. I don't remember it at the time being sexual but maybe it was. I wanted to own her and make her do what I wanted and it made me excited, but not sure at 12 I had the maturity to understand why.
One day we were in there trying on clothes and she would take off all her clothes except her underwear while changing (she didn't wear a bra yet nor did I.) I stared at her body which really wasn't all that different from mine at the time, being close in age and I was a smaller girl. (I started rounding out a bit around 13-14) but when she turned around and leaned over to get something I had the overwhelming urge to spank her. I felt excited and angry and wanted to put her "in her place." I resisted the urge.
The next few times I found the need to push her down and spank her was growing. I wanted to make her cry or at the least let me do what I wanted. I helped her change a couple times and let my hands rub against her breasts and she would jerk away. Then one day I leaned over and kissed her on the mouth.
Her response wasn't good. She wiped off her mouth and gave me a mean look and said, "Why did you do that? I'm a girl!" I just looked back at her and said nothing, and I remember thinking I could just grab her hair and push her down and spank her hard. Even up to the moment I am typing this I have never felt such a strong inclination towards a woman as I did towards her. Her eyes seemed so open and trusting as if they were saying she wanted someone to do something to her. She actually left me in the mobile home and went off to her house. I waited for a moment then went back to my yard.
After this she didn't seem like she wanted to spend any time with me. She would come around but we never played dress up or with dolls ever again.
In my 12 year old mind there was no rationalization except the feeling and the need to spank her and touch her. It's only been as an adult that I can see the potential motivations and psychological processes behind it.
Those are certainly at work. A therapist might say I was using the process of transference. Transference describes a situation where the feelings, desires, and expectations of one person are redirected and applied to another person.
It is very likely I was seeing myself in Bridget and if I could possess and control her then it would mitigate my own sense of powerlessness. Instead of me handing over my will, I would take hers. I could create her like daddy created me and somehow in the midst of it make myself feel better. Why all these years later the feelings persist I don't know. Yet whenever I think of having a sex slave it is her face I see, except she doesn't deny me or reject me. Instead she lets me do what I want with her, she is still young and beautiful and ready to be created.
This is at the core of my sexual issues. Even if I were to take a slave at some point she would not be Bridget but I would project her onto whatever woman it was. Would that be healthy for her or I? Not really. Would it be erotic and sexy and everything in between? Yes I would hope so. There is always the chance of reality wrecking the fantasy.
As erotic as I find this topic there is also some shame too but then shame intermingles with my sexuality like an old lover. It might just be something I have to accept. There was once I drowned myself in tears and shame seeing myself as unworthy to be among good people. Yet we are all sinful and flawed. We don't have to try to be bad, we need to try to do good.
In my fantasy which I have thought on and masturbated to over many years I have done everything and more to Bridget that I can possibly imagine, including some rather dark thoughts and yet she is out there somewhere in the world, possibly married with kids and a life and has no idea. I find it strangely amusing.
-TM




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