I just made up that title. What is it? You can kind of guess. You folks may or may not know, the kiddos went back to another State taken by their awesome Mom again. Same shit different day. Anyway, emotional landmines to me are when you come up with something unexpectedly and it hits you almost unconsciously. By that I mean when you see something in the house and it automatically reminds you of the kiddos. They of course are gone and you feel that ache of not having them here. Normally, it would turmoil a person's head. Somehow someway, my heart automatically feels that pain and sorrow and shuts it down. What do I do? I just sigh and take a deep breath and breath.
I thought I did a good job of getting rid of these emotional reminders. When they left, I threw out any and all things that would remind me of them. But sometimes you can't clean up all the shit in the house and things pop up unexpectedly.
For example, my boy was into this plastic water bottle flipping and landing it sort of deal. He would toss and toss that almost empty water bottle or Gatorade bottle in the air and try to make it stand right side up. Today, I walked into the pool table room and saw one of his bottles. Last week, I went to the backyard and saw a box that had a target on it. My kiddo would sometimes play with the throwing knife set I bought him and throw it at the box. Looked like he tried to copy the way my dart board was with all the segments and numbers. Anyway, seeing that hit me a little and again my soul adjusted to make me not hurt.
Sometimes in the nook and crannies in the house, I'd be sweeping and out rolls out a ball that my kid was playing with. Remember, I threw all that stuff out to clear my mind and somewhat attempt to salvage my soul. Yet, there it was. Things like that keep popping up from time-to-time. Grateful that my soul kicks in and saves me from any emotional breakdowns yet sad because I have this power now to shake shit off. I don't want that strength and power. I shouldn't have to go through it in the first place much less having the power to take down deeply emotional things like this.
Why can't I just be the normal Man that may gets hurt by the simplest things ( which should be the norm) and not this strength and/or power to be able to shrug things off that another person would fall apart about. I don't want that skill. I instead would want the skill to be observant of your other half and being able to get things fixed or improve before any crap happens. Why can't I be that guy?
I know I know. I am not that guy. This is who I am and what I can do. I guess it comes with the experience and I guess I have to admit that I wouldn't last long without this power of being jaded and able to take a lot of shit. I just don't want this job is all. I see nothing as far as any of this changing anytime soon. it sucks. I mean I try my darnedest to have a nice life with positive experiences everyday. I really do. I already do so many things in an attempt to keep my life busy and worthwhile.
I just know that I sure am tired. There is no time out or vacation out of this. This is my life and I'm stuck in it. Trying to turn each and every possible way to have a better more positive life but look at me. I'm still in the same place I was a year ago. Just hoping something good comes along. That's all. Just something. Anything.
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