2017-02-11 13:55:12 (UTC)

Daria Kind of Sucks

"The Wild Kindness" by Silver Jews

I wrote a letter to a wildflower
on a classic nitrogen afternoon.
Some power that hardly looked like power
said I'm only perfect in an empty room

February 11, 2017 Saturday 1:57 PM

Today is Elise's 18th birthday. It has now been two years since I've last spoken to her. I get really confused sometimes, 'cause it doesn't feel that long. I think about her almost every day still, which is nice. I'm glad her memory has lasted that long, y'know? Maybe I'll go back and read some of her diary entries today. I want to be reminded of who she was.

Oh, but, um. I just watched the first episode of that show Daria??? Or is it called My So-Called Life??? On Tumblr, it is generally regarded highly as this show with strong female leads. Super empowering and shit. But, I mean, Daria is just kind of cynical and mean! She's mean to her parents and to teachers and to students.

Actually, she kind of reminds me of Isaac in a couple of ways. Isaac does really dumb things in school. He gives teachers attitude when they don't deserve it. He generally brushes people off with quick judgements. I've pointed this out to him, 'cause I really don't like it, and he has apologized to people for the way he acts and all that. But anyway, Daria ??? She's like that but worse??? She's 'smart' but she thinks she's smarter than everyone else. She just shits on the faculty trying their hardest for their students (like with the whole misguided self-esteem class thing). If she were to communicate with these people, they wouldn't be making as many mistakes in trying to improve the world.

She's just the kind of person I don't like. The kind of person who believes everything around them is fucked, and the best they can do is resign themselves to the hilarity of puny humans running around doing dumb things. Like Holden Caulfield. But I liked Holden Caulfield – there is a difference there somehow. Maybe because, in reading Catcher in the Rye, you're able to get inside of his head. You're able to feel sad for him instead of angry AT him. Or both, but the sadness is important.

That show just makes me feel kinda sad. I never want to be that way, but sometimes I worry I already am.


Isaac and I are a couple, I guess? Not sure. I went to his house yesterday. I felt really weird for a while. Since the night before, I ceased feeling solid. When I get anxious, I dissolve a bit, I get stuck on certain thoughts and I don't feel like I exist in the world with everyone else. I feel so far removed, and when they touch me, I wanna recoil.

New Visions was good yesterday. We talked to a pharmaceuticals research & development dude. He looked like a turtle, and he was very smart, and he kept looking at me because I was one of the students that was physically closer to him, and I had mentioned that I was interested in neuroscience (behavior and memory). Chris sits right next to me and he is also highly interested in neuroscience (neurological disorders). Some of the dude's research has to do with neuroscience so he would gesture to our corner (we sit in the corner, haha) pretty often.

I just really liked that he looked like a human turtle! And I asked a couple of questions, so that was nice. Later, on the drive back to our high school, AJ and I discussed people who look like animals. He talked about how his boss at a summer camp he worked at looked EXACTLY like a snapping turtle. He had this sharp curved nose and everything. I actually like AJ a lot. He's so easy to talk to, and when a couple of weeks ago we had a conversation about how this was our last year of high school, he actually started tearing up!!! He said, "My mom's really emotional, that's probably where I get it from." The great thing was, he was kind of laughing through the tears.

AJ is just such a nice guy. Everyone in New Visions is really nice, and all of my relationships there have a tendency to be light and unsoiled by my horribly dirty thoughts (dirty as in Dark, not sexual, lol). Like with Chris! I love Chris, 'cause we just laugh all the time and it's great. Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough friendships like this. With the guys I've been friends with so far, it always goes a little sour – they end up liking me too much and so the relationship loses it's lightheartedness, it's jokey vibe. It becomes more serious, more intimate. More about breath and warmth. And I like that sometimes, but honestly, I'm barely human enough to stand it. My self-esteem is often too low to do that kind of stuff, haha.

Back at my high school, things were all right for a bit. Adrian was being really clingy and it was SUPER annoying. This is because he's leaving for Australia in a couple days (his family is from there) and he's gonna miss us or something??? Adrian is one of those soiled relationships, though. It's hard to joke around with him – hard to be simple friends. There's always this underlying tenderness coming from his direction, and I think I hate it. He's always trying to touch me and say nice things and just what the hell.

I want my friends to be my FRIENDS. If I ever have a boyfriend (I guess I technically have one, but I don't really think of it that way), I want him to be my friend before everything else. I hate that cuddles and kisses can take over everything else. Tenderness. It gets to be too much. I can be overloaded, and when morning comes, I get terrified and No.

Ugh. Anyway. Later, I got in a bit of an argument with Sandwich. We've never really been in an argument before. I was just pissed off because he kept saying shit about Isaac. He really doesn't like Isaac. To be fair, Isaac is an absolute DICK to Sandwich. And sometimes he's a dick on purpose! They're both at fault, in any case (Isaac more than Sandwich).

Both have this idea of each other. Isaac is generally disrespectful when it comes to adults (he feels like people need to earn his respect – he feels entitled to it. Which, personally, I think is dumb. Like, no, just be a nice guy and do what everyone else does, why is that so hard to do?). Sandwich lets every little thing bother him. Like, Isaac and Sandwich had a long talk in which Isaac apologized to him, and Sandwich was feeling fine about it until as Isaac was leaving, Isaac breathed a little too loud. Then, when Sandwich came back to his classroom, he was talking about how disrespectful that fuckin' breathing was and it was just. Wow.

I mean, I agree that Isaac just a fucking asshole to Sandwich, especially as his student. I just don't want Sandwich repeatedly calling him a dick to my face over and over again. Once or twice is fine. But he wouldn't let it go, and it was getting annoying. That's why I got mad. When I told Isaac, I think he misinterpreted it as me defending him – no??? Isaac deserves what he got. I'm actually really pissed that HE WAS SO ANNOYING AND MEAN. IT'S SO CHILDISH. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST – ugh. It made me want to Not Hang Out With Him.

But it was too late. And I got to Isaac's house, and he wanted to cuddle. I don't know what happened, but I started getting really anxious. I could breathe, but I had to be kind of conscious about it, y'know? I had to be sure to take deep breaths. He was curled around me and then the next time I breathed out it was just super shaky.

Isaac was like, "Anything I can do?"

I shook my head 'cause I couldn't talk and then I sat up and slid to the floor and cried as quietly as I could. I don't know why I was crying. I have low self-esteem, man. Being close to another person magnifies that, probably. Plus, I also was just not attracted to Isaac after hearing all that shit about him earlier in the day. I hated myself and I wasn't a huge fan of him. I can't seem to handle both liking Isaac and disliking him at the same time. It's like I never learned to feel more than one thing about a person. The feelings just kind of seep into each other.

I've never really been able to deal with that, not with anyone. Not even with Liv! I will love her one day and loathe her the next. I need her to leave when I loathe her, 'cause I'm worried the love will get ruined by it. I can't handle the fact that people are really imperfect, and so am I. How do you deal with that stuff? How do you make it not matter as much? I mean, it gets to the point where sometimes I think Liv will stop being friends with me, even if there is nothing to suggest that is going to happen. Just yesterday, she told me she loved me a lot, and I believed her, but in a couple of weeks I might not.

This is harder with Isaac, though, because he wants to be close all the time. I can't sort out my thoughts or feelings if things are always like that.

He handled my crying alright, though. He gave me juice and tissues, and counteracted my apologies and self-deprecations. The last couple things did not make me feel any less guilty or worthless, but the gesture was nice. I hope he doesn't think he can make me love myself or something, lol. That's not how this works. I wish it was, but it's not.

I told him about how I tried to kill myself and all that, and it was my way of explaining my reasons for random crying episodes and my pervasive fear of most things. After that, I needed to shake off the angst. I mean, it's not like I was particularly emotional while crying. Part of me was, obviously, but the more conscious part of me – the one that does all the writing – was more annoyed than anything else. Well, resigned, actually. Annoyed at first, but after a couple minutes, I realized I wouldn't be able to stop myself from crying so I just let it happen, trying not to think until it was gone (the littlest things set off the tears again). I felt really disgusted with myself when it was over, though. God, I'm that person? The girl who cries when people try to care for her? I'm not broken!!! So what the FUCK was that?!??!?!

Isaac lit a fire in his fireplace, made some popcorn, and got me some juice. We watched TV for a bit, cuddling as usual, talking like normal. And then we cuddled in bed, normal normal normal. That's when he was like, "Hey, we're more than friends, aren't we?"

And I was like, "I have no idea. I think so."

"That's fine. I don't really like labeling it anyway."

Later on, he called us a 'couple' and I was like, shrug, okay whatever. Let's see how this goes. This is gonna end badly. He kissed my forehead a couple of times, and I played with his ear, his collarbone, his stubble, and chest, his back.... well, my hands just wander when I cuddle with people. I like to touch all parts of them. I didn't go below the hips though, haha.

He said, "Hey, if I ever cross a line – well, let me know before I cross the line, okay?"

"?? What?"

"You know... SEX-oo-uh-lly." He said it like that and everything. I wonder if he said that 'cause I shivered when he touched my ribs. God, that's a weird thing to type. Anyway, I laughed. I'd rather not think about that. He told me he didn't really intend to have sex with me. His intentions consisted of cuddling with me and that was it (so sweet I wanted to puke, it was fuckin' disgusting – honestly, he's more romantic than I am, and I don't know if I like that).

He asked me what my intentions were and I was like, "Dude, I didn't HAVE any intentions. This kind of just happened."

HA. Earlier that day, he told me about how whenever he tries to Not get a boner, he thinks about snakes in a bucket of Wiffle balls or "All You Need Is Love" by the Beatles. I laughed. He also said he hadn't jerked off in like a month (meanwhile, I masturbated on Thursday). ??? Is that normal for boys??? I always thought they did it more often. I guess he's not very sexual, though. He told me that.

Okay, I'm done talking about Isaac. It's grossing me out. I don't like the way he looks at me. It's not even predatory or anything – it's a purely sweet look, like he really cares about me. He touches me like he cares too. EVerything he SAYS is basically: I care about you. He even says it explicitly, all the fucking time! And I wish he wouldn't. I wish he cared less. I like him, but probably not as much as he likes me. There's that feeling of soiled friendship, where in the end, this becomes a shallow relationship.

Nothing but cuddles, closeness, emotions on stilts. And when the emotion fades, everything's gonna rot 'cause there's nothing below. It's shallow. There's a place where it will end. There's no winding pathways, no fun conversations waiting. All that is shielded by feelings. I kind of keep imagining it as something slick, like embryonic fluid or lube (hah). And it's gonna dry up at some point, and then we'll rub each other the wrong way.

In the end, it feels rotten and I already want it over, but I'm going to hold on because I don't know where these feelings are coming from yet. I need to think about it more.

I know I'm taking this really seriously for no reason, but I just don't have the energy for relationships that aren't worth it. Plus, Isaac is FUCKED UP. More than me, I think. Because I have a fuckin' handle on my disorder. I am fucking willing to receive treatment. I'm open to ideas. Isaac ISN'T. If he doesn't change, he'll be stuck in that awful place, and just no. He's mature, but only in certain ways. The rest is stubborn-ness, a refusal to grow up past these solidified adolescent ideas of the world. He sees everything as dirty but he doesn't see that his vision is skewed, and that is a mistake.

I'm gonna rip myself open and smear my blood on the windows. Where am I? From which direction am I looking at my friends? Alexis and Liv are fine, they're on a level with me. They're only emotional to a point (as in, they feel stuff but they also know how to separate feelings from reality). They understand me, they give me space, they love me. Some of these other people – namely these boys – are way more caught in how they feel, how it stains the world... I mean, I've heard girls grow up faster than boys, but, y'know. I was hoping this wouldn't be the case. Maybe the problem is artists. Adrian and Isaac, both leaning towards creative careers. But then so am I.

Okay, so it's decided. They're younger than me in the emotional sense.

I don't know if I want to deal with that. I need someone to talk to, but I'm not sure who. I'm tired of this Isaac stuff. Maybe I will end it, just so it isn't a problem anymore.

Ha. We haven't even kissed. This is like a seventh-grade relationship hahaha. My fault, though. I get terrified every time he gets too close.


I finished The Plague (Albert Camus, translation by Stuart Gilbert), and I just... really love that book. It actually might be one of my favorite books ever. I'll write down a couple of quotes (she instead writes down the whole book):

“Perhaps the easiest way of making a town’s acquaintance is to ascertain how to people in it work, how they love, and how they die.” – p. 4

“When a war breaks out, people say: ‘It’s too stupid; it can’t last long.’ But though a war may well be ‘too stupid,’ that doesn’t prevent its lasting. Stupidity has a knack of getting it way; as we should see if we were not always so much wrapped up in ourselves.” – p. 37

“Nevertheless—and this point is most important—however bitter their distress and however heavy their hearts, for all their emptiness, it can be truly said of these exiles that in the early period of the plague they could account themselves privileged. For at the precise moment when the residents of the town began to panic, their thoughts were wholly fixed on the person they longed to meet again. The egoism of love made them immune to the general distress and, if they thought of the plague, it was only in so far as it might threaten to make their separation eternal.” – p. 76-77

“The common lot of married couples. You get married, you go on loving a bit longer, you work. And you work so hard that it makes you forget to love.” – p. 82

“‘... since the order of the world is shaped by death, mightn’t it be better for God if we refuse to believe in Him and struggle with all our might against death, without raising our eyes toward the heaven where He sits in silence?’” – p. 128

"'...nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. For really to think about someone means thinking about that person every minute of the day, without letting one's thoughts be diverted by anything—by meals, by a fly that settles on one's cheek, by household duties, or by a sudden itch somewhere. But there are always flies and itches. That's why life is difficult to live. And these people know it only too well.'" – p. 241

"'What's natural is the microbe. All the rest—health, integrity, purity (if you like)—is a product of the human will, of a vigilance that must never falter. The good man, the man who infects hardly anyone, is the man who has the fewest lapses of attention." – p. 253

"'... I'm not qualified to pass judgement on those others. There's something lacking in my mental make-up, and its lack prevents me from being a rational murderer. So it's a deficiency, not a superiority. But as things are, I'm willing to be as I am; I've learned modesty. All I maintain is that on this earth there are pestilences and there are victims, and it's up to us, as far as possible, not to join forces with the pestilences.'" – p. 253

"'I'd come to realize that all our troubles spring from our failure to use plain, clear-cut language. So I resolved always to speak—and act—quite clearly, as this was the only way of setting myself on the right track. That's why I say there are pestilences and there are victims; no more than that. If by making that statement, I, too, become a carrier of the plague-germ, at least I don't do it willfully. I try, in short, to be an innocent murderer. You see, I've no great ambitions.
'I grant we should add a third category: that of the true healers. But it's a fact one doesn't come across many of them, and anyhow it must be a hard vocation. That's why I decided to take, in every predicament, the victims' side, so as to reduce the damage done. Among them I can at least try to discover how one attains to the third category; in other words, to peace.'" – p. 254

"Once they were on the pier they saw the sea spread out before them, a gently heaving expanse of deep-piled velvet, supple and sleek as a creature of the wild. They sat down on a boulder facing the open. Slowly the waters rose and sank, and with their tranquil breathing sudden oily glints formed and flickered over the surface in a haze of broken lights. Before them the darkness stretched out into infinity. Rieux could feel under his hand the gnarled, weather-worn visage of the rocks, and a strange happiness possessed him." – p. 256

"This human form, his friend's, lacerated by the spear-thrusts of the plague, consumed by searing, superhuman fires, buffeted by all the raging winds of heaven, was foundering under his eyes in the dark flood of the pestilence, and he could do nothing to avert the wreck." – p. 289

"At that moment he knew what his mother was thinking, and that she loved him. But he knew, too, that to love someone means relatively little; or, rather, that love is never strong enough to find the words befitting it. Thus he and his mother would always love each other silently. And one day she—or he—would die, without ever, all their lives long, having gone farther than this by way of making their affection known." – p. 291

"...[He] resolved to compile this chronicle, so that he should not be one of those who hold their peace but should bear witness in favor of those plague-stricken people; so that some memorial of the injustice and outrage done them might endure; and to state quite simply what we learn in time of pestilence: that there are more things to admire in men than to despise." – p. 308