"Things Fall Apart" by Built to Spill
if no one thinks of no one
then no one believes in no one
and no one fucks with no one
when no one's afraid of no one
we've all seen enough now it's time to decide
the meekness of love or the power of pride
it doesn't matter if you're good or smart
goddamn it things fall apart
let's go for a walk yeah let's go for a drive
don't know how to say thanks for being alive
let's go for a lifetime let's go for a fling
don't know how to say anything
February 8, 2017 Wednesday 5:11 PM
Okay, so maybe he was right and I do expect perfection. I came to this realization yesterday, when I wanted to kick Isaac for picking a fight with Sandwich.
Alexis said, "You can't change him," and I said that I wasn't trying to. Except for maybe I was, so I decided I don't care and I told him so. He was relieved.
I read somewhere that when you have a crush, like, 85% of your thoughts are devoted to the object of your affection. I think that figure is bullshit, but I do spend an incredible amount of time thinking about Isaac, and it's honestly the dumbest thing ever. I don't want to think about him. Luckily, it's mostly thoughts about his personality and how he functions, or how he would react to certain situations, rather than my thoughts being filled up with his image or whatever it is a crush is supposed to be??
Really, it's ridiculous. I'll be trying to sleep or putting on lotion or climbing onto the bus with random thoughts of Isaac, sometimes following old trails and other times bursting in out of nowhere. And this is not romantic, I promise you. It's nothing sweet. It's usually random stuff that has happened or just things he has said, and how that may apply to who he is, etc. etc. It's pervading, and you can tell because I can't stop writing about it, which is part of why I hate it – I don't want to think about this, but I'm too interested to stop.
Earlier today, I caught myself looking at his pretty face, but that's okay because I swear he's always staring at me too. And we do this thing, I'm pretty sure, where we exchange those coy glances like little kids on the playground (actually, who even knows if that's what little kids do. I never did any of that). Apparently, OTHER people can tell, too???? Alexis' best friend, Polaris, she walked into the room earlier today ("the room" being Poo Tray's back room, where he keeps the art supplies – Isaac has kind of set up shop there since he's really into art) and, well. I thought things were totally normal but ALexis sent me a screenshot of a snapchat Polaris sent her. It was of me and Isaac, both of us kinda staring off into space. And it was captioned with something cheesy which I will not repeat because it's too strong a word for whatever it is that is happening. It just kind of annoyed me because this is exactly the kind of romance I hate.
But I can't exactly avoid it because I don't want to. Which is confusing. But also makes perfect sense. To me, at least.
On top of that, I've been feeling really anxious and insecure for the past couple days. Thoughts are bubbling up and I keep thinking that I hate everything about myself. I think I'm just worried about the whole Isaac situation. The problem with me is that my anxiety spills over into other categories.
So if I'm worried about school, I also hate my physical body, I hate my personality, I think I'm stupid, and unfit for human contact, and it's basically just me me me me all the way down. And I get all tired from all the wayward thoughts, so I get depressed and then I'm stuck and it gets worse and so on.
So maybe I was never depressed. Maybe I never had GAD. Maybe I'm just not right. I don't think the right way. It's not a problem with my brain chemistry – it's a problem with my thought patterns. Cause, effect, cause, effect. I guess you could say who cares? It is abnormal. It manifests itself as a mental disorder.
But I counter with this: the cause matters. Can medication really treat thoughts? Or will I just prove to be resistant towards everything the doctors give me because I was never actually sick in the first place? Just wrong. Not sick, wrong.
Ah! Fuck! I gotta get out of my head. I keep getting dragged back towards it, all the way into the middle. I need an anchor or... a nap. I don't even. Know.
Anyway, perfection. I expect certain kinds of relationships. I expect my relationships to be... the same, in a way. I want to be able to share everything with a person I love, without fear or embarrassment. But maybe it doesn't HAVE to be like that. I mean, maybe some of my relationships can go halfway – and that's fine. I need to unstick myself from the idea of perfect relationships because then I feel like I can never be a part of them. I'm not perfect. Obviously.
I'm torn up all the time, even though I'd much rather not be. Maybe it's just a teen thing. What a horribly demeaning thought. Ah, it's nothing, it's just a teen thing. Feels real, but that's just your brain lying to you. I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying I can't help feeling foolish at the thought.
God, everything's zooming around. All these horrible things about myself. The shallow and the deeply ingrained. The your-eyebrows-aren't-flawless to the you-will-pick-fights-just-because-you're-unhappy. And then the whole knowing that Isaac isn't perfect either, and that I'm just going to realize this more and more as time goes on, just as he will realize the same about me. Maybe then he'll be able to get mad at me.
This goes farther than Isaac, though! Because like I said, everything spills over. And so now I'm thinking Liv has outgrown me and she's annoyed by me and she doesn't really think of me as a best friend anymore. This has happened to me before, with Lily, so that may be part of why I'm afraid, but I just can't stop the thoughts. SHe's gonna leave me, maybe not physically, but emotionally and perhaps that's worse and god damn self, calm down, I'm 17.
Relationships end sometimes, and that's okay. It doesn't have to be my fault. It doesn't have to be because something is wrong with me.
Except I don't believe that.
God, I bet everyone feels this way on some level. But then I just magnify it because I have a habit of digging into my own mind. Again, it's just me. It's not some problem with brain chemistry. It's just who I am that's the problem.
Fuck! Shut up!