✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-02-10 02:38:40 (UTC)

Toothpaste - Day 39

Dear Reader,

A few things have been on my mind today for today's entry... but I just changed my mind.


I don't know if this happens to other couples.. but it's something that happens to me.

It's normal for couples to fight, and to argue...

But the last two arguments which occurred around June/July.. have really stuck in my head.

The last one does even more so, because of how it ended.

The first argument spawned a lot of the insecurities, paranoia, and fear, and doubt that grew in my head until the second one.

I honestly still remember a lot of what was said... and I'm still kinda I guess.. hurt? bitter? towards it all.. because it really.. impacted our relationship I feel... and me.

Yesterday was the first day that I have... really opened up about something bothering me for a long time...

I think of the time in the fourth grade.. when we were told to squeeze out all of the toothpaste out of it's tube, and then afterwards, try and put it back in.

When you say things, you're squeezing out the toothpaste, but you can't really unsay things, just like you can't really put the toothpaste back into the tube. Even though you can apologize for it.. it was still said.. it can't be taken back.. and it can continue to hurt/haunt the other person.

I think of a lot of the things that I said to him that I kick myself for saying... like, I read it, and think.. "Wow. What an asshole thing to say."

And a lot of the things he said, and his reaction to me reaching out and trying to vent... really... sticks with me.
It bounces around my head... sometimes I get mad all over again thinking about it...

And as much as I want to let it go, and put it behind me where it should be...

I still can't get over how it still makes me feel, and how it still impacts me to this day...

It really hurt when he basically told me after I vented it all out that everything was all my fault.
He actually said that.

I was angry, and was blinded by that.. and wasn't in a calm state of mind to argue back logically.. and to explain why what he said made me upset...

I wish that I had said things differently, or pointed it out clearer.... just differently than what I did.

He never apologized.. He never saw what I was trying to say.. and he'll never know that the things he said still hurt today...
And I'll never know what things I said still stick with him..

In fact days afterward, I had to fight for him to be responsive, and to continue with our relationship...

It always comes to mind when I want to vent something.. it makes me choose not to talk about things, in fear of it happening again.

I would bring it up.. but honestly.. It might even start another argument..
It would be kinda crazy to bring it up now after so much time has passed wouldn't it?


I just wish we could skype like we used to.. so I could talk with him again.. like, face to face. Voice to voice.

It's been over a month since I heard his voice. We were supposed to skype today, but he hasn't been online for some reason.

Sincerely,
Toothbrush




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