TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-02-09 16:55:32 (UTC)

Coming Back To Center

As I am starting to come out of hyper-sexual mode (very sore I might add) I feel that sense of rationality returning. I will attempt to explain what I mean. In hyper-sexual mode I still maintain most of my reasonable boundaries and intellectual understanding. It affects my emotions and mood. While I am reasonable otherwise, I am not as reasonable mentally. My needs to sexual expression become my focus to the exclusion of work and responsibilities and it’s extremely difficult to maintain the day-to-day tasks. When I do I am out of focus and it’s all on sex and getting done what I need to in order to cum again.
In a normal phase I still think about sex and masturbate, but probably more along the lines of a “normal” 40’s female. (Okay maybe more than the average!) It’s more about the state of mind than the act. Two days ago during my workout I walked a mile and didn’t even remember doing it. I looked at my pedometer and realized it when sweat was dripping down my face.
It makes me think of perception and how skewed it can be until we have all the information at hand and how much is colored by personal experience with an individual. With my dad I live with two opposing perceptions of him, always trying to bring them into one cohesive person. I have the hyper-sexual man who could be cruel and I have the hardworking man who built me tree houses and taught me how to ride a bike. The man who fucked me in the woods and played baseball in the backyard, and got me my first kitten. Was he a monster, my father, my lover? He was all three and I don’t know how to make him one. Because he was three I became three (as a protective mental process.) He created New Little Girl who created Just Girl. My father hated Just Girl, because she was angry and mouthy and told him no a lot, and was also out of his age interest range.
I think over the years I mostly have come back together or center, “integrated” those mental protections so I can have a mostly stable life. My father is a trickier matter. Now that he is dead there is no fostering further healing or reconciliation. There is no getting more answers (though my cousins will likely have more to share as times go on.) The very process of life and death puts an end to further inquiry and joining both halves of him together.
More on this later.
-TM




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