LustingforNightmares

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2017-02-04 16:58:56 (UTC)

Stuff That I Said On Saturday

"Life's a Dream" by Built to Spill [I love this song. I dunno, it makes me think.]

Miles until dawn
But it feels so dark 'til then
Drowns you out
But you can't be too certain
Common wants
Only fill me up with need
Everybody
In this world is just like me

So I
Row on

Sounds like fear
Thinking there might be a cure
Waste your life
But you don't know what it's worth
Comb your mind
For all the treasures of this earth
Too close to find
Anything outside yourself
So I
Row on

Life ain't nothing
But a dream
Realistic
As it seems

Destiny's vulgar
So I might as well resist
Out of the darkness
And all the secrets still exist
Finally decided
And by decide, I mean accept
I don't need all those
Other chances I won't get
So I
Row On

Life ain't nothin'
But a dream
Realistic
As it seems


February 4, 2017 Saturday 5:13 PM

1. Decided to tell Isaac "how I feel." Sorry, that's just an annoying phrase, but essentially that yeah. I'll do that whenever I see him next. It might be embarrassing, but it probably won't be that difficult. Nor will it be LIFE-ALTERING. My stomach kind of hurts thinking about it, and then I get annoyed because, I mean. I'm trying to do schoolwork, stomach. Please, chill.

2. I've started reading The Plague by Albert Camus (it's for school)... I like it a lot so far. Granted, I'm like two pages in and I have to have it done by Friday so maybe I won't like it so much in a few days, but still. After that, I'll also be reading The Stranger. That book is luckily skinnier than the Camus's other one.

3. Um. I've been really healthy (I think?). I realized that, by the time I got out of bed, I had gone without food for 22.5 hours, so I made myself a big brunch to make up for it :)
It consisted of
- whole milk vanilla yogurt with banana slices
- coffee
- 32 oz. of ice water (mixed with three cut up strawberries, some lemon juice, and a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar – I like how it tastes okay)
- two slices of organic bacon (we almost never have bacon, so that was a plus)
- two eggs, whisked with milk, cheddar cheese, seasoned with salt, pepper, and garlic... fried in the bacon fat yo.
- two pieces of buttered toast, IDK what kind of bread but it was delicious. I covered both pieces in this green salsa stuff my mom makes. It's, like, avocados, vinegar, cilantro, red onion, garlic, and some other stuff?

I'm just very pleased with my breakfast. I ate it while watching Shameless, which I have decided is kind of a masterpiece of a show. I'm on season 2. So far, Steve hasn't shown up again... I'm glad. He's really annoying.

In case you're now obsessed with my diet, here's what I just ate as a snack.
- another whole milk yogurt cup with banana slices, but this time I also mixed in some creamy Skippy peanut butter, 'twas amazing
- same 32. oz water as before
- and orange slices
Look at me, eating like a person who cares about their future!

4. I don't like that sensation of want. A need for touch. I mean, generally, I don't like wanting someone's presence. It just kind of messes me up. I wonder how long this will last.
I don't know, none of this seems very "me." It doesn't fit my own idea of Who I Am.
Hmm. It's way better than being depressed, though. I'm really feeling much better now that I'm on the Lexapro. Is it even the Lexapro? I can't tell. Maybe I'm just less stressed out. I've discovered that I'm not very good at gauging what is Normal and what is Not-Normal when it comes to, I don't know, general health? Feelings? I mean, I'd say that I often have low-grade headaches, and it's not all that rare for me to have headaches that last for a few days. But apparently other people don't live with frequently achey heads????
And apparently other people don't worry about all of the stuff I worry about. Hmm. I was going to elaborate, but then I got bored.


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