TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-02-08 16:44:20 (UTC)

Turning The Tide?

It's not over yet, but am starting to calm a little. Two orgasms so far today, but while the urgency is there it's not as frantic feeling as yesterday. When I start to come down from a manic phase I admit to sense of letdown in a way. Part me enjoys that sexual burn and frantic pace I find myself under. I finally got some chocolate and now it doesn't interest me lol.
Or it could the utterly disappointing phone conversation last night. Idiot woman I am I messaged some guy online I somewhat know a couple nights ago for phone sex. The first time was hot...even for vanilla sex chat which rarely arouses me....then night two (last night) after some conversation I thought we were going to get into it...and he seemed like he wanted to, so I am masturbating (thinking he is) and at one point it sounds like he is crying or else really jerking off as well and I cum. Then he laughs. I ask why he said I am so happy for that...you are amazing blah blah blah. He didn't even jerk off!
I said, Uh, I am confused and he says, I will next time?
This is the strangest phone sex I've ever had. I was actually kind of pissed. If I want to solo masturbate I'll do it alone, not just have someone listen to me whom I thought was participating. I could get if he were somewhere he couldn't masturbate or not alone, but he was alone in his house. The WHOLE point of doing it online with a partner is partner involvement. I would have rather watched kink porn and gotten off 3 times on my own.
But...this is what happens in a manic phase. You make decisions based on your need without thinking it through. This guy is annoying....was annoying before the manic phase and I basically wanted to use him for sex and now he's trying to turn this into a romance.
I know that sounds terrible, but this diary is about truth and that is the truth. I just wanted to cum and he got back to me first. I am at heart a considerate person but not when my need is burning and I need someone available. Obviously if he and I were already good friends I'd treat him much differently, but we weren't. Now I have this albatross of emotional smothering I have to disentangle from.
Given my history I keep an emotional distance from people until I really know them. I don't "fall in love" easily, and have only been "in love" 3 times in my life. (I am not even sure high school counts as it's teenager hormones and lust and immaturity.) I have a hard time relating to people who find themselves in love all the time. It's strange to me. Lust is just lust and I can have lust with anyone really. Passion is that connection of body and mind. They intermingle and one flows from the other. Passion is harder to find and I think is wrongly defined quite often. I feel lust and I have felt passion and the two are dramatically different to me.
Sigh. This turn of events is so disappointing. I thought for the first time in awhile I'd have a regular phone partner, as my other one doesn't have as much time as he used to, but there is no way I am going to deal with his emotional barrage of words and clingy behaviors. Smothering isn't sexy unless it involves ...well, I'll not go there.;)
Speaking of the M word......
TM




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