TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-02-06 02:44:49 (UTC)

Hyper Sexual Day Three

It seems along with the hyper sexual thoughts and feelings I am abound with dreams of grandiosity and narcissism . Epic style dreams where I am the most amazing person EVER. They are somewhat amusing because the "me" in the dream does not reflect awake me.
Yesterday I masturbated 8 times....yes 8 times. I literally thought about sex all day. Today has been slightly more subdued, though I still have 2 more hours left in the day.
I cannot sleep, and my arousal is constant. I crave sugar and caffeine. I work out like a speed demon. Everything is in excess. I want to fuck but I am keeping myself home. At the very least alone in public I'd masturbate in my car somewhere or find an adult bookstore. My reasoned mind is keeping me from acting out physically...that ever present fear of disease works wonders.
I am trying this time around to be easier on myself, to let this thing run its course...and it will and then I will calm down. It doesn't mean I will stop masturbating or thinking about sex, but it won't be the manic urgency I feel right now.
To some people this might sound fun. In some ways it "feels" fun to me too. Still this inward sense of not being quite "right"....that my sexuality is controlling me makes me frustrated. I like being in control.
This time, I am focusing on the positive. I am going to try and not shame myself or feel guilty. This is a learned behavior from my dad and I didn't ask for it.
I remember once he took me out to a road but once what got there he said he wanted to stop. I didn't want to hear that. I moved closer and gripped the crotch of his shorts and he pushed my hand away. I didn't stop. I pulled his cock out and started to give him a blow job, getting him nice and hard. He didn't stop me and then I climbed over his lap and lowered myself on it and fucked him right there. I asked for it, I can't blame him for that one. As I was cumming I said "I love you daddy" in his ear and he shot his seed into me. It was one of the few to last times he was ever inside me. I was getting to old for him. He liked young, 7-11 and being 14 I was simply getting out his age range. I imagine he moved on to a younger girl in the family and I am sure one day I'll hear the story, but for now I am only guessing. I felt very abandoned when he stopped. It's like having an amazing lover and then you "break up." Except we didn't break up. He was still my dad but now he was just grouchy older drunk dad who no longer gave me pleasure. It was very first rejection and no surprise, today I never handle rejection well. I suppose no one does really. I tried a few times to get his attention back but when I knew it was over I felt such a loss. His casting me aside due to age has also led to my issues with aging now. So strange....




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