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2017-02-03 23:39:20 (UTC)

So, More Isaac Again

"Photographic Evidence" by 764-Hero

Hold on to the new wrong
With your eyes wiped like the inside of the hearse
What are you doing?
Everything's gonna be fine
Hold on 'cause it's long gone with a new heart, with the same song

February 3, 2017 Friday 11:39 PM

K. So. Today was a half day. AJ dropped me off at my house after New Visions... And later, around 4, I started what would turn out to be an hour (or hour an a half) walk. Isaac met me halfway and we went to his house???

I really like his house. It's in a very beautiful place, and it's all messy and eclectic inside, like my house but with lower ceilings. And also, my house is 2 floors (and a small basement and attic), and his is just one with a pretty large basement below. His room was kind of gross, but in an endearing way, y'know? It had fucking apple jacks on the floor haha.

I only saw Isaac's dad (who, like my dad, is a Professor... they work at the same university. My dad says Isaac's dad is 'weird'..."Let's just say he's outgoing. In conversation... Can't win an argument with him.") for like two seconds. It was weird. I came out of Isaac's room to go pee and he was just there, standing in the hall. Isaac introduced me briefly, I said hello, and then slipped into the bathroom 'cause I didn't feel like socializing. I mean, fuck, my legs were still numb from the walk... it was 20-something degrees out, fucking freezing. My cheeks and the tip of my nose, they were all rosy when I looked in the bathroom mirror.

I wonder if his dad was surprised that Isaac had anyone over, let alone a girl. I mean, Isaac doesn't really have a lot of friends. He's kind of a loner.

Fuck, I just realized I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since like 1 PM.

Anyway, Isaac's dad and stepmom left to go to a movie pretty soon after that. Isaac and I hung out in his room almost the whole time I was there, although he did show me around the house and basement and showed me the FOUR FOOT DEEP HOLE HE FUCKIN' DUG UNDER THE POOL IN ORDER TO grow some... plants.

He said, "I'm kind of stubborn in a... in a kinda crazy way." Or something like that.

I've had a pre-migraine persistent headache since sometime during midterms (last week), and it was starting to blossom into a full-blown migraine, but luckily I had a full dose of Excedrine Migraine on hand (I think technically I took a dose and a half, since I took a pill before I left my house too). I laid on his bed kinda waiting for it to kick in. We watched Bob's Burgers and talked and stuff.. it was actually nice. In person, Isaac makes me laugh a lot. And he's also really nice to me in a way that makes me want to rip my guts out so that he'll shut up because I don't think I can stand it.

Isaac is also really honest with me. So I feel like I can be honest with him, y'know? We talked about porn for a bit, and it felt kind of like talking to Liv except he didn't really tell me much about the kind of porn he likes or the specifics of his masturbatory habits. Eh, all in due time. Our agreement was that Porn Is Always Weird, but sometimes it's okay.

He gave me a little stuffed dinosaur. It's so cute.
And I also heard him laugh, genuinely, for like the first time and it was amazing.

My headache was really annoying (it's actually coming back as I type this, so that's great), but I was also super caffeinated so I felt pretty talkative. I was also flirting. Looking back, I am aware of this. At the time, I think I sort of knew but I didn't want to admit it.

Fast forward and I somehow managed to initiated cuddling while we were watching Hot Fuzz. GOD DAMN IT SELF. I mean, I kind of saw this coming, but I'm also just... I don't know. Not displeased, but kind of afraid (because of who Isaac is) and confused (because of how I usually am when it comes to romantic stuff) and. Hmm. Whatever. I don't really care about the fear and stuff. All I know is that the cuddling felt Really Good.

I had my head on his chest, and I could feel his heartbeat. I could also feel how it sped up when I'd shift a bit and stuff. And his voice kinda vibrated in me whenever he spoke. I mean, I know what cuddling is like. I cuddle with Liv all the time. But I don't really pay attention to how her voice feels when she speaks against me??? Liv and I tend to hold hands when we sleep and stuff, and we're just always touching each other, but it's so normal and so plainly platonic. This was not.

This was something in my stomach (god. gross, disgusting, ugh).

Spooning was the best, though. I could feel him breathing, stomach touching my back with every inhale. We had our legs all tangled up. His left arm was under my head and the other one was looped around my torso. We held hands and just. Kind of touched a lot. He had his chin kinda tucked above my neck, which is a sensitive spot and it kind of killed me. Ha. We were cuddling for like over two fucking hours with Hot Fuzz on the whole time, except I don't think I was really watching the movie at all (I've already seen it twice before anyway – I love that movie). After I got up to wait for my ride, Isaac just kind of stared at me. He always stares at me though. Because he likes me. I know this.

I only had to initiate the cuddling because I told him that I don't like him back. And that I probably never would. Isaac is respectful. I know he'd never try to approach me in that way after what I told him.

Except for maybe now he realizes that I was maybe a little bit wrong. I still don't know, honestly. He'll probably end up being my boyfriend. I'm okay with that. I know Isaac has a lot of problems, but he's a really good guy and I think he's going to be fine, even if he doesn't seem to agree with that last part.

As a note, he also smelled really, really good. Like, REALLY good. As cheesy as this sounds, I wanted to breathe him, okay. I could've slept in his arms. He held me really tight, y'know that?

Okay. I'm sorry this entry is all about Isaac. In other news, I've got a poster session in two weeks in which I have to present my research... yay. I ALSO HAVE TWO FUCKING BOOKS TO READ BY NEXT FRIDAY. TWO BOOKS!!! I DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WERE ASSIGNED UNTIL THIS WEEK AND I JUST GOT THEM IN THE MAIL. ON TOP OF THAT, I HAVE DARWIN AND MALTHUS TO READ!!! I'M ALREADY LIKE THREE CHAPTERS BEHIND!!!

Oh mmyyyyy gooooodddd. It's pretty typical for Ruth to assign a book due in two weeks, but realllyllly???!! Ahhh. On top of that, I have to study for the Brain Bee (that's fun though), finish my writing portfolio, decide on a research project, write an e-mail requesting internships, and finish a Java program. Most of my work is fun... The reading isn't going to be very fun, though. It's time consuming and I still have a fuckin' migraine.

But, I mean. I'm not even anxious. I'm in a pretty good mood. Okay, it's past midnight. I think I'll go to sleep now. Oh my god, I've just discovered my sweater still smells like him. Okay what the fuck this is amazing.

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