LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2017-01-31 19:30:52 (UTC)

So Adrian is Boring....


January 31, 2017 Tuesday 7:31 PM


I'm flattened. I am only writing in here because otherwise I'd be binge-watching Wilfred right now haha. I've already seen the first 3 seasons of that show, but I don't think I appreciated it enough. Even now, I have to stop watching sometimes 'cause it's just so... depressing. Not in a my-whole-family-dies sort of way... In a regular, human way. In a I-just-got-rejected-by-this-girl-yet-again and god-damn-it-I-said-the-wrong-thing-and-embarrassed-myself depression. Which I, personally, think is worse.

I mean, the family-death depression is justified. The bad-life-decisions-and-general-awkward-behavior depression, though???? That's just, like. Normal human life. The problems are technically small, and yet still manage to take up way more room than any reasonable grief. Tiny, tiny, tiny world – seen from the ground. And this is exactly how it will always be seen.

Actually, haha, Louis CK's show is kind of similar in the whole mundane depressing feel.

But, um. Ain't dat da point..... I mean dat ain't da point. Wait. There was no point because I am flattened, which was the point, duh, god shut up.

This morning, I looked in the mirror and... if I have dark circles under my eyes, they aren't very pronounced, but I swear I see them. On Sunday night, I got 3 hours of sleep, not for lack of trying okay. I was lying in bed for 3.5 hours trying to get to sleep. I stopped trying about 2.5 hours in, read a bit, and then tried again. I'm still not sure if it actually worked??? I know I slept a bit but I kind of think 3 hours is a generous estimate. Time sped up, like I blinked and zoomed into the future.

I got more sleep last night, but it still took me over an hour (as it has every night for I Can't Remember How Long).

An hour is, like, a lucky break for me. Sorry. Not to complain. It is, though. I think usually it's at least an hour and a half of lying there as still as possible.... and then saying fuck it, maybe I'm just uncomfortable, let me turn over... no let me turn that way... this way... that way.... holy shit what was I just thinking about? Why am I crying? My sister isn't actually dead, self, calm down. God.... Lie as still as possible. Shit, I started laughing after remembering something Mr. Sandwich said. I should stop thinking about my friends now. At least those thoughts make me happy, though... thanks, Brain!

Man, am I still not asleep yet? What time is it? What the fuck? 2AM? God. Oh, you know what sounds fun? Thinking about my past failures. Yes, yes, I think so. Oh, look, here they come against my will, breaking surface – super cool, great, wonderful, terrific, I'm not seeing the ceiling, instead I'm remembering every time in recent history that I ever felt shitty for any particular reason. Turn that way. No, this way. Onto your stomach again. But now your back hurts. Bend your leg like this. Yes, okay, but now your inner thigh is starting to ache a bit. No, that's a good ache... wait now it's a bad ache. My rib hurts. There's a sharp pain in my stomach. I probably have cancer, duh. Then I'm going to die. Wow, I know I get sad, but I don't want to die. Please, dear god, I don't want cancer, don't let me have cancer. Self, what are you doing? You don't believe in god? And you don't have cancer, you idiot? Fuck off, I can do what I want.

Turn over. Take off socks, feet are too hot. I have a headache. Am I thirsty? I really think I might have to pee. But, god, I don't wanna get up. I'm supposed to be tired. I was tired when I crawled into bed. What happened?
Turn over.

I had a dream last night that I drove over to the "admissions office" at the local community college (I don't actually know where the admissions office even is). But the weird thing was, I went there at like 1 in the morning. I was on the highway, it was quiet. Only a few other cars. I quite like driving; I felt really, really sleepy. Looking at the faded pavement, looking all white-ish and cracked like it does during the winter, cast yellow from the headlights (actually, I think our headlights are white-ish, but my dream self was like whatever).

Then, next thing I know, I'm putting the car into park by a building. Lights off everywhere, no cars on the road. I put the emergency brake on and then I realized I had been sleeping for most of the drive. "Wow, that's dangerous," was my thought. I was still really tired. I picked up my keys and then sifted around the cup holder – and I found this tube of really nice chapstick that I lost a couple of weeks ago (along with my New Visions keycard). That was, like. The most vivid part of my dream next to the feel of the steering wheel. The tube was cold and smooth and all ridged by the bottom, where you're supposed to twist to get the chapstick to go up, and I could feel the plastic label.

My dad called, I told him where I was, I started driving back home and I almost fell asleep again... which is when I woke up.

I mean, okay, I know that that's a really boring dream. Really, I do know. But I find it kind of funny that I dream about sleeping. That's not a great sign haha.

I told Chris a bit about my dreams, and he told me he sometimes had dreams in which he lived out the rest of his life (like the Roy game in Rick and Morty!) and died like he never even existed. In one dream, he took a gap year before college and then just... never ended up going. By the time he was middle-aged, he was a janitor. In another dream, he was a doctor, but was pretty average at his job. So when he died no one really gave it much of a thought.

"All of my dreams are about being mediocre."

I actually kind of love Chris. He reminds me a bit of Alexis in the way that I never feel like I have to be sad around him. I mean, I never have to talk about it. We communicate through humor pretty much all the time, which is good because I like to laugh (to counteract the inner angst – which is why both Adrian and Isaac can be really annoying sometimes). Alexis is the same way. Neither person reminds me that I spend a lot of my time feeling defeated. They're very... present, I guess.

I mean, I don't feel like I ever have to tell Chris about my problems except for in a way that's funny, like self-deprecating jokes n' shit. I only ever told Alexis about my depression and all that because, I dunno, it was appropriate to the conversation. And I wanted to tell her, because I knew she would treat it The Right Way. She'd ask me a couple questions but I'd never have to worry about it changing her perception of me... and I can expect Alexis to laugh if I want to joke about it, which I do, because Constant Angst is funny.

Actually, constant angst is annoying, but it's funny that a person would subject themselves to such a thing.

Oh, hey. I had another epiphany today. Well, okay. It's less of an epiphany and more of... I don't know. Another layer added to an older thought. A few months ago, I asked myself: why am I still friends with Adrian if I don't like him? And I thought the question sort of shriveled up, became irrelevant, but no, it didn't.

I spent pretty much 2 and a half straight periods with him today. That's like 110-115 minutes. That's almost 2 hours.

And I realized, eh. I don't like him that much. I don't dislike him. I actually think he's fun to be around. But I just do not trust him. And I don't find him very interesting either.

We don't click. I don't quite get Adrian's humor, and I don't like following his types of conversations. I don't like listening to his stories and I don't like the way he's always writhing (to be fair, this might be because he has ADHD???? Dunno).

I mean, yeah. To put it plainly, he's just kind of boring. And he's a phony. I'm not angry and I'm not trying to be mean.

He does this thing where he says stuff like:
"My girlfriend is anorexic. It's really funny," and, "So-and-so's dad is pathetic. I never want to end up like him. He's great, though, like really great and really hilarious!"

I don't quite understand the psychology behind it. One time, he said, "I HATE Isaac. I like him, I just can't STAND him."

I was like, what? That doesn't make sense. If you like him, then you don't hate him... (I should be more understanding. How many times have I written 'I hate Adrian SO MUCH but I also like him.')

Eventually, Adrian was able to figure out that what he really meant to say is that Isaac depresses him. Isaac depresses many people. God, that's sad. I don't want to look at Isaac and think, "That's sad," but I do anyways. I'm going to ask if he's busy on Friday. Maybe we can watch a movie and I can scrub the sad out of my head, my mental image of Who He Is.

But back to it. So when Adrian says things like, "It's funny that my girlfriend is anorexic," he is not actually saying that because the situation is funny. He's making a joke. It's not sarcasm, but it's a type of... joke. Dunno what to call it. Obviously I don't get it though. Perhaps he's making fun of people who really find anorexia funny? I dunno I'll ask him tomorrow...

I don't know, man, Adrian is just dull. I don't feel compelled to spend time with him. Nothing we ever do together is particularly memorable.

We sat around reading memes for a bit today, but somehow, sharing them with him made them less funny. Every time he laughed, I laughed a little less. He sat wedged right next to me, and I tried moving away a couple inches at a time but he always managed to find a way back to my side. I don't mind him touching me, but I mean... by the time 8th period was over, I had scooted over a foot from my original position and he was STILL flush against my thigh.

Again, that's fine. I just felt Absolutely Nothing.

Adrian reminds me of family-death depressing, I think. Yeah, it's justified, but it doesn't run too deep. The waters may be dark, but they never rise above your head. Hell, they don't ride to mid-shin.

(That being said, regular-human depression isn't a very profound kind of depression either – depression in general is not very profound. It might look deep initially, but it's mostly a nothing. Ha, reminds me of computer programming... infinite loops on Java. Depression is shallow, which makes you more depressed, which makes you more aware of how shallow it is, and so on so on so on.)

Adrian is confusing. I don't understand him. But the little I do understand, I find uninspiring.

Sorry if this is a bit repetitive. I'm trying to think this through as I'm typing.

I guess I'm trying to say: Adrian doesn't challenge me. I mean, yes, he confuses me and, yes, this forces me to ask questions, which is good – but I never feel like a better person after interacting with him.
Liv leaves me annoyed and happy.
Alexis leaves me thoughtful and smiling.

Adrian leaves me with pizza dough personality. I'm flat and sort of receding inwards, mentally drained, kinda sweaty. I never feel like I've gained something. I actually feel like he's taken something.

And, uh. That's a sad thought. I'm not actually sad about it, because I've known deep down that I think Adrian is Boring (again, he's also a phony, but we can discuss that another time). But I still think it's sad that I can even feel that way about another human being. What happened to my everyone-is-interesting-once-you-get-to-know-them philosophy? I still think it's true, I guess... I just can't find Adrian interesting, and that is a personal problem.

Many people LOVE Adrian and think he's, like, a genius or something. Personally, I don't feel intellectually challenged by him (that's not to say he's stupid – he's very smart; I just never feel that intelligence). I don't feel creatively challenged by him. He doesn't make me laugh. He doesn't make me think.

All of the things I like about my friends – he doesn't really do any of them. But I used to like him a lot and he's friends with all my friends, and therefore we will remain friends. I'll probably even keep in contact with him after high school. I will hang out with him occasionally. And I will probably never know why I do any of this shit. Willingly. I mean, I FIND ADRIAN BORING. WHY AM I STILL MAKING THE EFFORT TO REMAIN FRIENDS WITH HIM??? WHAT AM I GAINING FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP???? WHATTTTT??

Okay. Sorry. I'm done.

Things are good. I'm good. Whatever.


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