nerd™

the anger games
2017-01-30 01:03:39 (UTC)

Hobbies? Plans? Change? Idfk?

I haven't been online much lately. Of course I lied to Diyana, told her I was visiting some relatives out town. Hanaa has been messaging me and so is Eman but.. I really don't wanna answer. I will probably make up another lie for them.
I just... Idk
We have been watching lots of movies together. Mom seems happy every night. I am REALLY enjoying it even tho I have had a couple of those "angry-for-no-reason" phases while watching. Sometimes during the movie I feel so upset and angry and I just want it to end so I can go to my room and listen to music to drown out the world. Idk man but I am still happy
My head keeps telling me that I am happy cuz I am not online anymore but I don't buy it. I mean, it seems a little unrealistic. Idk how to explain it honestly
But I do want to quit social media so..
I want to find something that keeps me happy in the real world first then I believe I will leave social media by will
It sounds easy. Too easy
I want to find my great perhaps
But I can't keep chasing everything u know. If I keep chasing everything I will end up with nothing so.. It's scary
I want to focus on finding my great perhaps but I am afraid of something..
I am afraid I will get too busy chasing it that I will float away from people.. I will end up with no friends at all, not that I have any now but still.. I will end up with nobody.. Not even "colleagues"..i don't want that.. Or do I?
I don't fuckin know .i mean, I stay away from people who keep you down right? I feel like everyone is keeping me down..
I am constantly afraid of what they will think
I wanted to start over with nobody who knew me but I ended up with Hanaa..i won't lie, I could have changed like I wanted she didn't even know me that well but I was still scared..
I was so scared to go to college. Still am
I just.. I don't even know where this is going anymore smh

Okay take a breath
We will start with something
Writing
I have always liked writing since I was little right? And I have this idea on my mind and I want to take Elizabeth Gilbert's advice and catch the creative idea before its gone for good
So we will start. Now.
Every day, after mom and dad go to bed I will sit down and write or read about writing.
This keeps going until the end of this break and then we will see what happens from there.
Don't rush things. Don't plan too much. Don't think too much.
Write because you want to not because you want to impress people.
If we get any progress maybe soon we will buy a laptop

Just remember to breath. Close your eyes and dream it out.




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