2017-01-27 23:15:15 (UTC)

Do I Love Him?

It's normal for me to...wow I have no idea where I was going to that sentence.

Anyway I just got off of Rabbit with Keith. It was a decent conversation. Nothing really new. We got on watched a new episode of Shoukugeki (I think that's how it's spelled) and then we talked a little bit. My memory is already starting fade but it was something about video games and...prom...and spring break?...maybe? I'm not sure. Anyways that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because even though I was virtually connected to him, I wasn't connected to him. Recently, it's like I never am. Keith keeps saying towards the end of breaks I always get so cold. I didn't realize that I ever was but I don't see why he's not right. I mean, for one, I don't exactly like coming back here. I mean, I do and I don't, but that's for another time. The point being, I don't always look forward to coming back here. I also don't exactly welcome the idea of being separated from him either for soooo many reasons!

He...he's just ugh. Wow...no...I mean...maybe? I don't want to feel that way about him but...I don't know. Should I? Should I not? What's wrong with him? He's immature, and he...slapped me once...and he almost chocked me to death...and...he cheated on me a few times...and he's going to be away...for years...and...he doesn't want to marry me until we're out of college. But that's not the point. Is it? Is that why I've been pushing him off all this time? Seriously. Is it?

I can't focus on the negative. Every relationship has a little bit of negativity in it. Someone at sometime did something stupid, and you both suffer from it. But it's okay...wait...I haven't. I didn't do anything. Keith did all those things. No. No. I can't do that. I verbally abused him. Sort of...I think. Did I do it on purpose? Maybe subconciously I did.

I deep down on some level I wanted him to suffer. Bad. Like....on some level worse than me. Like...worse than I could ever imagine. I wanted him feel as though ever step he took physcially and emotionally was as though he had been crawling through the mud, with his bully raw from crawling so long on a rainy day with no sunshine, just darkness. Is that how I felt? Like every step I took, was me struggling to crawl to the end of my day? You know what? Yeah it was.

I have literally crawled on the floor out of pure sorrow. Tears streaming down my face, I asked God to take the pain away. I literally begged. Which reminds me, I haven't cut myself in a while. I've been thinking of it recently though. My anxiety meds are supposed to double as anti-depressants and I haven't been taking them regularly. My anxiety gets really bad when I'm out in public now. I'm not entirely sure why. I blame my medication. Not the point though. I'll save that for another entry.

I do hate to admit it, but I was purposely poinsoning my relationship. On one level I wanted it to work but at the same time he was hurting me. I secretly wanted revenge on him for doing something so hurtful, dirty and just...hurtful. For everything he's done. I still want him to suffer. I keep it to myself and I'm letting it boil inside me so no one ever has to know. That's what I'm doing. Should I be doing this? No. Absolutely not. It's crude to both Keith and me. Should I tell him. Hell yeah. Will I? Hell no.

How would I tell someone I love to the ends of the Earth that I kind of...hate him? Okay hate is a strong word. But when I think about him, I get a feeling in the pit of stomach. It's kind of like when you're about to punch someone. Maybe...it's anger? Am I still angry with him after all that he's done? Well....how am supposed to know it's real? Or what's the truth?

Okay I need to stop for two reasons: 1) There's nothing I can do to find out his motives other than asking, Even when I do ask I just doubt it anyways and think he's a lair. 2) So that leads me to this reason. I'm making myself crazy. So I'll just...I don't know. Trust him? I say I do.

Keith shouldn't trust me. Like at all. That day he cheated on me with Elizabeth. Well the day of our anniversary, I made his day hell. And why? Because it felt good. But it didn't feel like hole that's in the pit of my stomach. No. That hole is only filled when I'm by his side. That hole only goes away when he holds me. When he holds me, everything I hate, it goes away. So, is that what love does?

Maybe. I'm not sure...Well...I am. I vote yes on this one. I actually feel better after writing this. Maybe I'm slightly frustrated too because I can't/couldn't share this with anyone. I mean there would have been Alex but she's a good portion of where it all started...actually no. Keith is wh--no Sarah. The beginning of our relationship. Her toxic ass is where it all started.

But I was a dumb 14 year old girl that just wanted a boyfriend too. So I'm part to blame. I'm not someone that's particularly good at sharing their emotions. It's like I get shut down just for sharing them. So...I just keep it to myself. Until I go to therapy that is. Even then I'm not completely honest with her or myself. It gets so bad I'm fooling myself at times.

Anyway, back to my initial question. Do I Love Him?

As much negative emotions I feel for him all the time. Yes. I do. Otherwise I wouldn't miss him or look through old pictures or though a fit when he doesn't message me back or post about me on social media. No this is love. But it's love with frustration and I think I can get this out of my system. Perhaps by writing about it.

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