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2017-01-24 21:06:22 (UTC)

Titles are Getting to be a Real Hassle

"You Were Right" by Built to Spill

You were wrong when you said everything's gonna be alright
You were right when you said you can't always get what you want
You were right when you said it's a hard rain's gonna fall
You were right when you said were still running against the wind
Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone
You were right when you said this is the end
Do you ever think about it?

January 24, 2017 Tuesday 9:08 PM

Today was.... a very weird day. Jesus Christ.

But first, I guess a general update on my life.

I don't think I really wrote in here last week. I thought about it a couple of times, but I was tired of the sound of my own voice in my head. Last week, I went to school, did work, tried not to freak out and break apart – but by Friday I was sort of okay. Isaac called me and I picked up the phone. We talked for two and a half hours. I'd rather not recall the conversation. I've been thinking about Isaac too much lately. It's getting annoying.

Anyway, Saturday I was sick. I spent the whole day in bed, basically, watching iZombie and reading and doing Sudoku (that's the thing, though – this weekend was very productive in the way of reading! I've almost finished the Point, which I started ages ago, and I'm about halfway through The Republic of Trees). Isaac called me again at some point and we talked for an hour. I kept asking him why he kept calling. I had nothing to say.

And then he'd be all, "I just like your presence."

And I wanted to turn my skin inside out. I told him not to say things like that, but all he said in reply is, "You're making that face again, aren't you?"

Later that night, I watched Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory for the first time ever. That is a great movie??? Wow??? My favorite scene is when they're in the tunnel, with all the colors and Gene Wilder's increasingly frantic rambling. I identified with it.

I was still sick Sunday, but I went to Polly's for piano lessons and that was nice. As usual, we mostly talked.
Isaac called me again. I think we had a sort-of argument.

And, um. Yesterday, yesterday, yesterday. Oh, that was a really pleasant day! I had my a college alumni interview. I wasn't nervous because this particular school is
1) on the other side of the country
2) RLLY hard to get into
3) interviews don't do that much for you application, I've been told.

We went to this little coffee place downtown (Laney and her friend Timmy drove me there) and I ordered a latte. They had a deserted second floor with couches and tables that the barista-dude called "the Library."

"Not in the whole checking-out-books sense, but, I mean. There are magazines with recipes, y'know. Stuff like that." That's how he explained it.

Anyway, my interviewer was with this CEO dude. He was, like the Brown interviewer, old-man-attractive. What do you call that? Seasoned? Golden-brown? 'Cause obviously, neither were fresh-faced. But they were very pretty, and they had bright eyes. The CEO dude didn't even act very much like how I imagined a CEO to act. He was normal; he treated me like an equal??? Shame on me for expecting less.

(As a bonus, my dad was kind of surprised at who my interviewer was, because turns out he's the CEO of a company that supplies a lotta crap to my dad's university???)

I thought the interview went really well. I felt alive and calm. He majored in english, which was really nice because that's what I wanted to major in, so I got to hear all about the department and the social atmosphere, etc. He also asked me questions about my school, my plans for the future, how my friends would describe me... We got to talking about books, which was nice because, yo, that's my domain.

Oh! He read The Tooth Fairy!!!!!! We talked about it for a bit. I actually liked that book more than I thought. I mean, when I finished it, I was like, "OK whatever..." but I think about it a lot, even now.

The interviewer told me he has a thing for the kind of overlapping, dark-twisted fantasy type things.

I went home a bit after that, with Laney and Timmy once again driving me. I like them. We don't have a lot in common but I like them.
When I got home, I called Isaac and had a "chat" with him which means basically that I started another sort-of argument. I don't want to talk about that. It didn't go over that well. I found out that he likes me more than I am okay with (which, honestly, I already knew). I might've been imagining it, but I think he was crying. Me, though? I felt powerful. Untouchable. It was actually kind of awful. That conversation was fun. I was in control.

I feel bad for thinking that. I mean, I don't want to hurt Isaac. And it's not like I was picking a fight for no reason. But there's no reason for me to enjoy it????? Why am I like thiiiiiisss. Well, whatever. He said, "I've got to tell you something – it's a face-to-face kind of thing. And I think it'll change your opinion of me, in a positive way."

So we met up today. It was fucking freezing, sleet snow falling since last night. The walk to meet him took me about thirty minutes, and it was a pain mostly because half of the sidewalks were left un-shoveled. It was twice the effort and twice the time walking down whatever length of road just because of the snow.

We sat under the bleachers at the college football field and talked. Isaac tried to explain himself to me, but he didn't do a great job. He said, "I've got my mother's eyes."


And, okay. He asked me not to tell anyone about the things he said after that... I wonder if a diary counts? But this is a public diary... Okay. I'm going to Not Write It for now.

All I will say is that I found it hard to really understand.

He kept saying this one thing: "I'm led by emotions. Intuition. I know you don't care about emotions..."
I kept telling him he was wrong! I do care! I just don't let them make my decisions.

It got really cold so we went inside the gym, and then hung out in a dark little meeting room by the heaters. That part was actually pretty great. For the first time in a while, we talked like normal people, y'know? We chatted about politics and movies, made stupid jokes – normal friend stuff.
I was cold, and I mentioned that.

"Y'know," he said, "I would do something about that, but you won't let me."

"Could we be those kinds of friends?" I asked.

"What kind?"

"The physically close kind, I mean." And then I asked Isaac how he felt about me again, because if he felt what I considered to be Too Much then the straight answer would be, no, we can't have that kind of friendship.

He was like, "I don't really know," or something. Said it wasn't really sexual desire (I was relieved), just that he wanted to do cute n' cheesy stuff with me, like holding my hands or cuddling or watching the sunset. I cringed, but only because the idea of cheesiness is gross. Bare bones, without a name, those images are okay.

We started talking about sex after that. Apparently, neither of us are very sexual people. I don't even know if I'll ever have sex. He doesn't really care much about it either.

My mom came to pick me up sometime after that. I asked Isaac if he needed a ride, but he said he had 'business to take care of.' Which, god, probably means he has drug-dealing stuff to do or whatever horrible stuff he does. That's what drives me so crazy. I wish he wouldn't be so awful to himself.

But, as he said earlier. He's always gonna be doing something he's not supposed to. No matter what.

It was freezing, so we walked arm-in-arm down the street. I liked that quite a lot. Well, I initiated it under the excuse that I was Dying From The Cold. Which I was. But I also just really wanted to touch him. He kind of thanked me for that physical contact??? He told me I was nice for doing it. What? Who says that? What kind of person says that? Isaac is an enigma. And he might even be a bad person.

That's kind of what I worry about the most. He does bad things. He's never going to stop doing bad things. He's set on killing himself when he turns 50 or whatever. He's convinced he will never be quite right. I've heard those kinds of thoughts in my own head, but it's different for him. He believes it, all of it. So his moral code has kind of melted and warped.

It makes me sad. And it makes me not want to touch him – not because I'm grossed out, but because I'm pretty sure this won't end well. He will make a mistake, and I will be Eternally Pissed Off. It will be, as Alexis put it, one of those stupid toxic relationships that you're pretty sure can't possibly exist in reality until it does.

So no. No, no, no. What am I saying no to? I don't know. Isaac and I are still friends. The drama has settled. He apologized for being needy. I apologized for being the absolute opposite of needy. He tried to explain himself. I tried to explain myself. He realized we are very different people. I already knew that. When the bad comes, it will come later. So whatever.


Um: Side note.

The Lexapro is working. For a bit, I thought it was the placebo effect, but then I tried to masturbate and I found that it was incredibly, INCREDIBLY difficult to reach orgasm. And when I did, it was nothing. It was poof, a tiny wave kissing the beach, the regular kind of ocean weather. I mean, it's not like I have a mind-blowing orgasm every time I masturbate, but usually it's pretty good to pretty great. I can feel it radiating, I mean. This was Not That At All.

Then when I tried cumming a second time – it didn't work! THAT's CRAZY. Oh my god. Whenever I masturbate, I orgasm at least twice before I'm done (yes, I know I said I'm not a sexual person, but it feels good okay).

I tried for the next couple days, and I was able to reach orgasm, but sometimes it was really difficult. Like, last night, orgasming ONE TIME was as difficult as it would normally be to orgasm a fourth time.

I'm hoping this side effect will fade. Especially because I was only one half a dose when this came into effect. I'm on the full 10 mg on. I'm worried it's just gonna get worse. That would suck. Siiiiiiiiiigh.


I have the concert with Liv tomorrow. I hope it's fun and not, ugh. Taxing. Birdy and his best friend will be there. I'm not excited about that. I'd rather not talk to them. I'm pretty sure they think I'm a weirdo, and I have a tendency to say oddball things when I'm nervous, so... ugh.

NNOOOOW to work on my paper. I am going to die. Okay.

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