2017-01-22 21:27:12 (UTC)

Isaac Mostly

"High School Poetry" by 764-Hero

i'd feel better if you took apart
what you thought was the weather
but i don't feel better anymore
cause i know I got it figured out
and here comes that weather despite the fact that i linger
and i wander
i'm waiting for the downpour i'm waiting for it
it's like bad poetry it's fucking high school poetry
i'd feel better if you took apart
what you saw in my notebook
but i can't remember anymore
what i wrote down as just a freshman
and here comes that weather despite the fact that i linger
and i wander

January 22, 2017 Sunday 9:29 PM

"He makes me sad." That's what Liv said about Isaac.

And you know what? He makes me sad too.

We've so far talked on the phone for three days straight (I don't want to get into HOW this became a thing) and it's starting to be a little taxing. I'm on the phone with him right now. He's sad or something, I don't know. There are long silences between us because I told him that I only talk when I have something to say. I think there's a little tension, too. Maybe I'm imagining it.

I asked him why he bothers calling me if we don't even talk half the time.

"I just like your presence," he said. He says things like that a lot.
"I like the sound of your name."
"I've never met anyone like you."

Isaac frustrates me. And I can't tell if he frustrates me like Adrian frustrates me... or if he frustrates me like Liv. Liv, I'm secure in knowing I will love her even if I don't love her now. Adrian, he frustrates me because I don't really like myself around him.

Isaac seems so serious, though. I mean, right now he's humming and laughing at Family Guy, which is nice, but before he kept asking me all these existential questions. And I wanted to say, jeez, man, take a break and laugh a little! Make jokes. That's what I love about my friends. I am naturally a very dismal person, but I'm around people who make me laugh (Adrian included). So it's okay.

I dunno if Isaac makes me laugh so much. He's a little like Adrian in that I feel as if he's always pulling me towards something... deeper. Heavier. Places I don't want to go. I feel stupid and pretentious broaching subjects like that, I dunno. I just want to make fun of crap, watch a bunch of dark comedy.

(That is actually one thing that bothers me about Charles D'Ambrosio's writing – there is always a deeply melancholy vibe to his stories. Rarely any comic relief.)

"He's such a martyr," said Sandwich, "No one likes a martyr."

Man. Man, man, man. Isaac just asked me: have you ever thought about faking your own death?

I feel gross talking to him.

"Did I put you in a mood?" he asked me.

I said yes. I've been kind of surprised at my own honesty lately, but it came out. Yes. Because I've learned that it hurts less to just tell the truth.

He then asked me if I'd ever have kids.

I said maybe. But then, y'know, I don't really have a reason to, other than to pass on my genes. And with depression and crap running in my family? Eh, I might still have kids, but I'd have to be prepared for that.

"Tell me more," he says.

"I don't want to talk about it."


Jan. 23 2017 Mon 12:41 AM

We ended up fighting a little. I don't know. I told him to find more friends. He got this idea that I just didn't want to talk to him. It was strange.

I talked to Alexis. I may have to set some rules with Isaac, because things are getting weird. We will see.

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