TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-01-18 03:52:26 (UTC)

Ties that bind Part One

My dads youngest sister, the one whom he took her virginity is only ten years older than me. The baby of the family, she was a beautiful girl most of her life. In her teens I idolized her. I thought no one could be more cool and amazing with her hippie clothes and hot rod car. She used to take me on drives with what is now classic rock blasting through the speakers. I'd stare at her with the wind blowing through her long blond hair and we'd sing Space Cowboy. To a seven year old she was everything.
She never touched me sexually but there were times she expressed inappropriate sexual behavior around me with her boyfriends. I once caught her having sex with one when they took me out somewhere but I never told her. At that age I had no idea that she'd been intimate with my father, it was only later after he took my virginity that the story came out.
My Aunt went on to travel a path of self destruction. She had violent boyfriends, she slept around and got into drugs and alcohol. She cleaned up a bit to go on and marry and had two girl's herself. Her husband was also violent. I spent many a night there after babysitting the kids in a barricaded bedroom, hiding in the closet and listening to her get beaten while she screamed. I was just a kid having to protect a 1 and 3 year old from the madness.
Another time they came home drunk and a friend of theirs drove me home and tried to get me to sleep with him. I was twelve. This is the same man that a previous time they came home early and forced me to dance with him after putting on some records. He felt me up and they were to drunk to notice.
The veil of idolatry was falling. I was starting to hate her.
They eventually divorced and she went through another round of drugs and hyper-sexual acting out and booze. She was homeless for awhile as she drifted from one man to another. She developed chronic liver disease in her 40s and the doctor gave her 6 months to live.
Now in her late 50's she is clean and alive. She found the inner will and pulled through. But the scars of her past haven't gone away. The beautiful girl is gone and she looks much older than she should. She is painfully thin with a bloated belly due to the bad liver. Her health isn't the best but she's here.
There was a long period of time I hated her and refused to communicate with her. It's hard to imagine considering how much I adored her as a child. Over the past couple years we have slowly began to reconcile.
As for the incest...we have never talked about it. We both know it's there but it's the one thing to painful to open. Perhaps we never will. This is an example however of how two people can have similar life histories and yet choose different paths. She took the low road and I took the high.
This doesn't make me better than her, it just makes me different. I had supportive people that she did not, including a warm and caring mother. I think in any bad situation the people around who love you...even if they don't know or understand the situation...play a major role in how someone copes.
Despite all the bad memories I share with her, I choose to hold the image in my head of a warm sunny day with Space Cowboy on the radio and her long blond hair blowing in the wind. She loved me and I adored her and life was beautiful.
-TM





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