TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2017-01-16 21:01:09 (UTC)

Am I really a voyeur?

As with any sexual practice mine has to take on a strange and twisted path. The naked form doesn't attract me all that much, making the voyeurism less likely . I have come to realize that I experience a disconnect from someone who is naked, male or female. Simply seeing someone in this state does not turn me on. Biology says I should be inclined towards arousal but it simply doesn't happen.
Needless to say, this makes it difficult for Inward Whore online, where physical touch is lacking and cannot provide tactile stimulation. With men where visual stimuli is paramount they think that a naked photo of their parts will instantly wow me to arousal. I usually end up saying "oh that's hot" but truly I'm not feeling it. It's doesn't matter how good (or not) their faces or body looks, biology fails to respond in my case. It's a frustrating process.
I sometimes send photos not for my own benefit but that I know it helps them, and if by helping them they stimulate my eventual orgasm I am willing to share. So far I sound very much not like a voyeur.
HOWEVER....
I am very aroused the sexual act. The attractiveness of the person isn't overly important either. It is what they are doing and not their being naked that is what arouses me. If they are touching themselves (as an example) though pantyhose or sheer clothes or under their clothes it's immensely satisfying to me. The idea of taking a walk and coming across people having sex in an alley or the woods is also satisfying.
Watching a CAM isn't the same in this regard. It feels impersonal. I am more the type to get off peering in a first floor hotel room and listening through the walls. I like the secrecy aspect of voyeurism. There is something delicious and forbidden about looking on the beautiful act of people writhing and grinding and listening to their moans of pleasure. In fact, I think my orgasm would be the same if they were mostly clothed.
I understand there are some who can't understand how I can talk on sex this way based on my childhood so far. Do you imagine that I should have become frigid? It is true that in childhood incest female are more likely to lose their drive than men, but in my case I became hyper-sexual as my father was.
Am I a voyeur? Maybe, or maybe no more so than the average population but I know if there weren't laws against it I'd spend more time pursuing chances to engage in it.
Obviously, all my sexual thoughts and feelings are going to interrelate to the familial incest. I think what I still resent the most is that I never got to establish my own sexual identity. Even though I was "allowed to say no" that was a fallacy my father created in order to appease his own guilt. Pleasure is all consuming and the younger you introduce a child to it, the more conditioned his or her body becomes to getting and maintaining it.
I know that almost all my sexual instincts are based around what I learned from him. I like the idea of being a secret voyeur because early on I equated secrecy with sexual pleasure. I like it through clothes because he often felt me through clothes until we were alone and he could take them off. And yes, I love sex outside because we did that a lot.
I wonder if my lack of interest in nudity is a developmental thing. Around the ages of 8-10 children are starting to look at their bodies as being more that just "there." For the non incest child you are identifying your male or femaleness and expressing it in your clothing or hairstyle. You likely aren't feeling sexual yet, but are aware that boys look different from girls." At this age children self identify with their same sex parent and the other side is "yucky" to a great extent.
At this age my independence wasn't growing. I was becoming owned, a toy for my father to shape and mold and create New Little Girl. I never got the chance as most children do of experiencing that excitement (going into adolescence) of discovering nakedness. That discovery that creates a sexual feeling because it's new and different than anything you've felt before. The first time I ever looked at a playgirl magazine left me with a similar disinterested feeling. Nothing new to discover there. Another part of my sexual identity taken from me.
This is rooted in my sexual being. How the hell do you ever change that? The truth is that I don't think you can, but you learn to come to an acceptance. I've set sexual boundaries such as: that as much of a turn on it would be to secretly watch someone fuck their wife without her knowing, that it's morally wrong in regards of her feelings. Spying in windows is illegal...and so on. If I can't change the thought I can change how I ACT towards the thought.
I reiterate again....to myself and other...fantasies that tantalize but remain such can be enjoyed without shame. (I have to remind myself of this a lot but it doesn't always work.)
Yes I am a voyeur with it's own unique bend. I keep myself from taking it to far and it's the best I can do.
-TM




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