Fawkes

Ventilation
2017-01-15 19:49:03 (UTC)

01/15/2017

as is usual many things have happened.

December 17th Dan took his life at the age of 21. It still is a shock when I think about never seeing him again. I flew home for the funeral on the 22nd and ended up being there for christmas, though it didn't feel like it and i was not in the mood for celebrating. the funeral itself felt so surreal. i have only ever been to catholic funerals for old people, typically followed up with an irish wake. it was held at a presbyterian church in purcellville. it was odd also for me as he was cremated, and all the funerals i have been to had caskets and usually the viewing the night before. i sat next to will during the service, and he was as torn up as kat and i. overall i have many emotions from this, and that i have begun to process more with these past few weeks. i still feel overwhelming sadness in general from losing him. it feels like we (the cousins) will never be complete again. we never expected to lose one of our generation, really the next funeral we expected was grandad's. i feel sorrow that none of us knew how he felt, and anyone in the family would have helped if we just knew. i also feel some anger towards him for doing this to his family (moreso his parents and sister) and especially right before christmas. this time of year will never be associated with anything besides his death for them, and really for our whole family on a smaller scale.

grandad came to the funeral, and it was awkward because i don't think he had seen dan since he was maybe 5? he was not sitting with the rest of us (he was a row behind us though) and he didn't stay very long after the service ended. i was honestly ok with this, because i've heard grandad spout off things about allie and dan just because of his stupid fight with their parents and i am not sure if i would have handled it well if anything like that happened (granted i don't think any of us would have, i know kat would definitely have flipped a shit). in a way i hope grandad feels guilty for being so stubborn and hateful. he missed out on knowing a great person, and it was his own grandson.

after the funeral we went to uncle jack's and aunt christa's. not everyone, but me, kat, mom, uncle tom, and some others. you can't even do an irish wake in this instance. he was too young to die. they are meant to celebrate a long life, full of memories and milestones. i feel this was even worse than him dying in an accident or due to disease, because he made the choice to leave us. and i will forever be sad. there is a part of me that will always be wondering if maybe i could have done something to prevent this, which is natural. uncle tom told mom and me more details though. he hung himself off the back deck. he left a note saying he felt like a failure, and had a bank account with enough money in it to pay off his student loans and help pay for his funeral. he told his parents he was sorry and loved them. he also requested that he be cremated and have his ashes put in the potomac. he still had stuff down in blacksburg, all packed and ready to be thrown out if wanted. it hurts me too to think that my school that i love, despite the heartaches i suffered there, may have contributed to his death. this is also why i find myself wondering if i had told him of my struggles would it have helped?

but to have that much planning, to have hidden that much. i am not sure anything we could have say would have helped (without us knowing his thoughts). i was at adam and nicole's when kat called me. she was crying so hard i could hardly understand her and it just... felt surreal. i told myself i needed to calm her down and comfort her, but i can't cry. i have to stay strong for kat. after i got off the phone with her, i went to adam and nicole. i really meant to be calm but i lost it. i felt numb, literally i have no idea where my body was and if i was touching anything i would not have been able to identify it. i felt hollow. she told me it was an accident at first, but then texted me what really happened. i don't really remember after that text for awhile. i know i ate something later in the day and watched something. i have no idea what.

it is an awful silver lining, but i think this finally showed kat what would have happened if she had been successful in 2015 when she tried to kill herself. granted, maybe my cousin would have seen the consequences and not gone through with it. i do (did) not want to lose either of them, but if kat had accomplished it i don't even know how i would be. i am not sure if i would be able to smile or laugh. i wonder if this is how allie is feeling. i constantly find myself wondering what was going through dan's mind in the end. was he in pain? was he calm? did he have regrets as he hung there? i am convinced uncle jack found him. he is distraught far more than aunt christa, not that she isn't upset as well. i need to call them, but i am afraid i will lose it on the phone if i do. i was so afraid to go to the funeral to begin with because it would make it so final and real. i am glad i did, and the cousins seemed to all find some solace in each other i feel. i just realized it has almost been a month, and it still hurts so bad to even think or talk about his death.

last week i was making dinner and it just hit me all over. i will never see him again, making fun of each other, laughing together, giving each other hugs with intentions of nearly breaking the other's back. i could hardly function. i tried calling kat and missy but they didn't answer at the time. nicole and adam had been distanct that night so i didn't want to disturb them with my drama. i hadn't been able to talk to john in ages (apparently his google hangouts has been having issues). my mood just dropped like a rock. even the next day, i could hardly function at work. i turned off facebook because i kept going to it and checking on my cousins, aunts and uncles and couldn't stop myself from doing it and getting more upset. all those thoughts i usually keep at bay exploded at once and i wanted nothing more than to have everything just end. that funeral really reinforced what has always stopped me from taking a darker road because i do not want to hurt my family, and it was devastating to all of us.

still though. i just don't see much reason for life. it is just going to end and ultimately people do not typically make any real lasting marks on this world. i would be ok going out now if it was not by my hand. in that if i got hit by a car or got terminal cancer, there is nothing that would change it and these thoughts would end. even just passing in my sleep. then i would finally get a peaceful sleep without dreams waking me.

we went to aunt rita's on christmas. it was extremely subdued as expected. i had no desire to be there and frankly just wanted to be shut up in my room most of the time i was home. the whole time i was there kat was more hostile than expected towards me. every time she gets upset with me for things she tends to refer back to what i said when she tried to commit suicide. i was afraid and upset and what i said came out in anger, that it was a selfish thing to do. i did apologize for saying it and explained it was due to me being afraid and upset that she would want to do that. ever sense then she has held it over my head though. she tends to say she can't trust me because of that instance. i did sincerely apologize for it after the fact, and frankly i am not going to continue because that would be meaningless. on the way home she got angry at me and said i probably think dan is selfish for doing what he did. there it is. we didn't talk much the rest of the time i was home and haven't talked a ton since i was home.




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