Unwanted

Ready to be just ok
2017-01-14 17:15:36 (UTC)

Day 1

Today is not day 1... Day 1 i think will be monday... but my day one, is all about me. I'm no longer an after thought. I got my own mind. Lots of things i wanna do, they are not new years resolutions but they are a new meaning full life for me. Yesterday, i was talking to my husband about us spending time together and not just on the fly time, but making time and the conversation turned into an arguement about control..... about me controlling him his activities. I literally stoped mid sentence and i just thought abo ut it. I was begging for someone to want to spend time with me and he was consistently telling me what he thought about that, but i wasnt hearing him instead i was trying to change his mind............ not anymore, i refuse. I am not going to ask for you to do anything with me, im done.

I am better than this, i am better than wishing someone would call, text, wanna hang out...... ive been alive along time and the obe them i know is when a man is interested. And my hubby is no longer...... im still interested in him, i love him, but i desearve more..... im not mad, i kinda feel like this pain has been going on for so long, im numb..........

My usual ways of helping to dull the aches and needs no longer work... if i keep going on with those, ill end up dead or worse and yes i believe there are worse things than been dead. Well i dont want to be either.

I wanna be ok..... i want that when i talk to someone they are genuinely happy to here from me and ifni text them its a great addition to thier day and if im in thier bed the want and desire they have for me is mad crazy........

I have been on fetlife for about 2 weeks now. I have learned a few things about myself, number one thing is, i really am interested in the lifestyle. #2 being its hard to differentiate between those who want to just fck and those that are actually interested in the life style and creating beautiful scenes of pain with some pleasure. Im to new to even try to try to do anything. Id end up dead or worse, im sure, so i may need to put that to the side and not fo that.... im not looking for that. I want a real connection, cause the things that i want to do trust has to be there. If sad, i dont think ill get to have my first scene.... i bought all the toys...... things anyhow. One day.

For now just gonna focus on me. I love to read and work out and make new friends and travel and all that so ima do it..... what ever happens happens. No, filler just real me living... and yes im excited and ready, maybe at the end, ill be more than just ok. And thats ok.




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