2017-01-13 00:19:51 (UTC)


So we've actually been talking the last couple of days. It's been strange but I've actually enjoyed it. Though early this morning I said a lot of things that I shouldn't have and there were some things that I realized that weren't right between us. One of those things being that he equated countless sex as a mark for beauty. That isn't true in the least. Women like to hear it or something akin to it. Sex is simply just that. A woman doesn't judge how attractive she is based on that alone. Though I was wrong doubting that he loved me. I had never taken seriously when he had said that he wanted to marry me. It was always put off because there were things that came first. That's how I saw it. He had also said multiple times that he wouldn't mention it unless he could actually do it. So I never took it seriously and that's something that I should tell him. In fact everything that I'm putting here I plan to tell him. Only some of his family made me feel like I belonged. The rest of his family seemed to look down at me. His mother, his sister, and a few others of his family always seemed to make me feel out of sorts. He didn't understand that, but it's something that I believe Ra understood. She had said that his family hated her and I can understand how she felt that way. Though the difference with me is that I saw that some of his family did make me feel welcome while others didn't.

Outside of that, things seem to be okay. Though I had seen him play WoW and even asked if he wanted me to join. He said no and that was that. I'm not angry and I did apologize for what I said. He threw a curve ball in there when he mentioned about why I should tack on more years because of what I felt. That was saying the door was open and well there's a lot of things that should be put straight. He won't ever take responsibility and that's fine with me. It's going to be work because as he claims that I'm raw, it seems more like he is. Though the fact that we've managed to have conversations for 3 days is telling and hopeful to me. It's a start and that I welcome.

I really do love him and after what he said last night, I believe that he loved me then. Now? I'm not so sure. I couldn't say. Again, something that will take time. I'm getting a new therapist. The last one everyone seemed to not like, including him. I have even been considering something that he never thought that I would. Complete control over to him. He would be the only one that I ever fully gave that to. It'll be another hour and a half before the conversation starts again. That's been the usual time that he gets a hold of me. There's quite a bit that I still need to say to right what happened yesterday, but I will deal with that before I go to bed for the night. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I have work out of the house, then some on the computer, then I have laundry to do. I've nearly gotten through all of it that was stained at his house. I've thought about that conversation a lot today, even while we were talking about other things. I hope this time around things go better. Time will tell, but a start is better than the nothing I have been in. I do love him and I always will. Forever and always. Those are the words that stand out. And no matter how long it takes, I will be back where I belong.

Roman philosopher Lucretius said, “What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.”