✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-01-11 01:01:27 (UTC)

The Werewolf in the Family - Day 10


Dear Reader,

Something that I need to talk about.. I haven't really wanted to.

I have a cousin who is Bisexual. She's the only other LGBTQ person in our family besides me as far as I know.
She has been out for years.... She's able to be out, because of her father, my uncle, is a really accepting person.

She has been through so much... She lost her mom last year to cancer.

I don't think as a child, I really understood that the girls she brought to family dinners were her girlfriends. I didn't know that when she was introducing them to our grandma, she was introducing them as her girlfriend.

I remember seeing the look on grandma's face when she was introducing one at a dinner.

I know that had to take a lot of courage to do that.

I remember that time in when I was a little kid... I remember when she basically ran away. She left home, and I remember they found her, and brought her over to our house.. I remember seeing that she had been crying so hard her face was red.
I wanted to know why... I don't know what happened... I still don't. I just remember it.

No one told us about it. Grandma didn't.
In fact, when her mother divorced her father, and she came out as gay herself, and started dating a woman... Grandpa accidentally told us about it, and grandma actually got mad at him for it.

I was completely oblivious to how they treated my cousin.

They all avoided her, avoided being involved with her... pretended as though she wasn't gay.. Pretended they didn't know.


This is a lot harder to write than I thought it was... wow.


The older I got, and after I had come out of the closet myself, I realized that she was gay, and that they were her girlfriends.
That was good for me to know that I wasn't alone in the family.


I remember my other aunt telling my grandma one day, that she had seen on facebook where my cousin was posting a lot about a guy, and that she thought they were together. I remember the way she said it too. It was so hushed, and in a scandalous tone...
Like she had done some detective work or some shit.

They were together. I realized this too when I was in her car, and saw a necklace that his name and a heart hanging from the rear-view mirror. I honestly didn't know she was bisexual.


I don't really know how to describe how I felt towards her being bi. It wasn't bad? I was just... I knew. I knew exactly how our family was going to treat her about it, and I was right, and I knew that if I ever come out, I would have the same fate.

Word traveled fast throughout our family.

And here's the part that really burned me up.

They all started being involved with her again. She dated girls? nothing. Her mom died? minimal at best. She's in a relationship with a man? Suddenly they all want to be a part of her life, and act like they hadn't shunned her.. act like none of it ever happened.

That.. really really bothers me. Everytime a family member would ask "So, when are you going to bring him around?" And act all entitled to meeting him.. acted so offended that she hadn't brought him around to meet the family. She would always just smile, and say: "Soon."

And I would always think... Why? Why SHOULD she bring him around? Oh, so NOW you want to act like you give a shit?

I remember going to walmart with my cousin, and I was telling her about how our aunt treats me about the way that I dress.. And she was saying how she really understands, and proceeded to come out to me in the microwave section. She told me if I remembered all the girls she brought to dinners, and I told her yes.. and she told me about her mom, which I already knew.
I told her that I knew, too.

And I really wanted to come out to her too. I really really did, but... I didn't know how. I never actually opened a door to a family member like that before...

And I forced the words out. And she looked at me wide-eyed, and asked me to repeat it.. and I did.

It was very shaky, and very awkward.. because I just didn't know how to say it.

I don't remember what her reaction was.. I just remember how scary it was, and how nervous I felt..
Because even though I knew she would accept me.. I never open up to family...

I felt as though I did such an awkward, and terrible job coming out to her, that I wished I hadn't.

But, I know now that.. I don't think I could have ever come out and it not be awkward.


Then... my other cousin talked shit about her after the Pulse club shooting.. I remember her saying that she was glad she was with her boyfriend... and that "she wasn't gay anymore."

That... really really really upset me. She and my grandma talked about it at her table.
This cousin is Christian, and she believes that being gay is a choice/chemical imbalance/and a sin. I'm pretty sure she said that the pulse shooting happened because it was a sign from god.

It fucked me up. Not only what she said about it being a sign, but what she said about our other cousin..
And how grandma was agreeing with her..

Grandma's the kind of person to agree with whatever you say so long as you both are talking alone, but will change her opinion on it if more people or people she has in higher regard recants it.


I cried... for three days.

Then.. the homophobic cousin announced she was pregnant...

That fucked me up more.. that someone like her was going to be a mother, and to teach her child to be the same way.

It cut me so deep honestly. I was so shaken, and disgusted, betrayed.. and angry.


This cousin is among the family members trying to be involved with the bi cousin again, since getting with a man..

And then, I was told that bi cousin had to take her father to the airport, and would have to drive back by herself...

I took this opportunity, and volunteered to go with her... because I needed someone to talk to about what homophobic cousin said.

The drive back took a long time, and I started telling her about it... and we had a very long conversation about how our family has treated us. She told me the truth about how our family treated her when she dated girls.

I can't tell you how angry it makes me...

They should all be so fucking ashamed of themselves...

When homophobic cousin got married, grandma told bi cousin in front of a bunch of people, and bi cousin's girlfriend at the time, that "Now we need to find you a man to marry." So that the group of people wouldn't think that they were together.. and to dismiss and invalidate her relationship...

When she told me that happened, it burned me up inside.


Fast forward to Christmas day.


I heard a gasp, and I heard grandma asking her if she was engaged.

She said yes. I heard tears, and I heard excitement.


And all I could feel was complete disgust towards the hypocrisy.

Bi cousin got engaged Christmas Eve.


I wasn't upset she's engaged to him... I was upset because I know that they think it was all a phase.


Now they're talking about how they hope she wants to have a wedding, and that they'll help her with it... and talking about how they're so happy for her..

And it makes me so angry.

They don't deserve to be part of her wedding, OR her life.

Years ago, when she was bringing her girlfriends to dinners.. she was giving every single one of them a chance to accept her for who she is.. and they all fucking blew it. She gave them opportunity after opportunity to be close to her, to be part of her life.. and they didn't take any of them... They all held out onto the hope that she wasn't gay, and that she'd find a man to be with... and now they think they were right.


She is STILL bisexual, FYI.
It's like being a werewolf. When you're in the form of a man, you're a werewolf. When you're in the form of a wolf, you're still a werewolf.. You're not a human, and you're not a wolf.. You're a werewolf.

When she's with a girl, she's bisexual. When she's with a man, she's bisexual.
Just because she's with a girl, doesn't mean she isn't still attracted to men, and just because she's engaged to a man, doesn't mean she isn't attracted to women. The difference is, regardless of being attracted to them, she doesn't want to be with them because she is already in a relationship, and in love with one person who just so happens to be a man.

It's the same as being straight, and remaining attracted to the opposite sex, EVEN though you are in a relationship.


It honestly makes me sick. It makes me angry.

I know that if I come out.. that's exactly how they'll treat me.
I never told them about boys that I liked.. I never told them about any of my past relationships.. because I knew they'd do the same to me...

Sometimes, I really just want to come out. I really just want everyone to be there, including the bi cousin, and the homophobic cousin, and to just call them all out on all of their bullshit. I want to tell them exactly how shitty they treated her, how they ought to be ashamed of themselves... and how they need to realize how selfish, outdated, and backwards they are.

I have said this before, but I will say it again.

If you don't love ALL of a person, you don't deserve ANY of that person.

Sincerely,
AllOfMe




Ad: