LustingforNightmares

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2017-01-10 17:49:26 (UTC)

In which I talk a lot about myself.... as usual


"Confetti Confessional" by 764-Hero

When I fell in love with the sound, that's when I knew it
I've been falling to sleep with the walls staring me down


January 10, 2017 Tuesday 5:49 PM

Is it okay to think someone is stupid?

I've always thought the answer to that was "no." Because what is 'stupid'. Stupid in comparison to what? There are different kinds of intelligence, right? Or do they call the other kinds of intelligence "talent" or something.

I mean, I don't like calling anyone stupid... but mostly for personal reasons. It's like I'm not giving the "stupid" person the benefit of the doubt, y'know? Like, how do I know how smart they are based on one moment?

But what if I've know them for awhile – and then I realize that they're not all that bright. What then?

I don't mean "stupid" as in bad or talentless. But it still seems harsh. Stupid sounds like negative intelligence, when I'm just saying a person is in a space that I am not. This is not to say I am smart n' crap. Except for I guess it is. Because I am smart. Not in a significant way, but I am smart.

Anyway, who knows where I fall on that... hump-shaped average graph. You know what I mean.
I know it's possible I'm a standard deviation above the average. It's also very, very possible that I am perfectly average (with a big head). But I'm probably not below that.

When I say 'smart,' I am talking standard intelligence, people. Not expertise, not creativity, not any of that. The raw stuff, if there is such a thing – an inherent capacity for understanding, logic, etc. etc. (A smarter person could have said it better). (Especially since I'm not even sure if that's right. Can't you train yourself to better understand logic and all that?)

I've come to realize that I have been around people who are not quite on my wavelength (which is a fancier way of saying I'm smarter than them, at least academically). I mean, that's actually the end of that thought. It doesn't make much of a difference, because sometimes these people are my friends.

In the end, most of my friends are smarter than me. Maybe not when it comes to vocabulary and other stupid shit (thas mah area of ex-purr-teesse), but ya, in other ways. It's hard to tell where they lie with "raw" intelligence, and I don't try too hard to find out. Mostly because I forget about it, but I guess it also just doesn't matter. If the lines are that blurry (and they are, they always are) then there's not much point in differentiating anyway.

I guess I don't want to covet intelligence. Right now, I do.

ON TO DIFFERENT THINGS!

----

Today was as good a day as it gets at times like these. Probably because of all the coffee I drank.
At New Visions, we had a work day, which was great because I had to finish reading a chapter of this health textbook (it was actually a really interesting read. It covered the history of mental health care?? systems in the US from the 19th century onwards) and also I still haven't finished our assigned book, The Quiet Room. I actually ran into a lady today who was assigned the book in graduate school – she's a therapist – and we talked about the story a bit. It was cool. And nice.

Um. Well. After that, the day was aight.

I am worried about Lily. She left school crying yesterday, and today she didn't come in until 1 PM. I probably should have asked her why, but I was scared to broach the subject??? She doesn't really like talking about things.

It has something to do with her boyfriend, Jax. Jax spends a lot of time in Mr. Sandwich's room so I see him pretty regularly. Apparently, "things are just weird" between him and Lily. They were fighting all weekend, apparently, because Lily told him something about herself and... like. It was a Big type thing.

Alexis is the one who gathered that information. She told me Jax made it sound like Lily was sick.

So either Lily is sick and I have no idea, or Lily maybe told him about her history of not being mentally well. I have always suspected that that is still a thing. I'm sure she's super anxious and she probably gets really depressed. Actually, pretty much everyone I know has a problem like that (to different degrees), except for Alexis – but Alexis has other issues.

I wonder if it is a teen thing. And if it is a "teen" thing, then why? Has it always been a teen thing? Or has something changed more recently (gradually, so that we will not have noticed)? I know school is really shitty and it drives a lot of students crazy with stress. I'm pretty sure there are studies that talk about high rates of anxiety in high schoolers, especially high schoolers in good neighborhoods, going to schools that have like a million AP classes.

My high school is "inner city." Our lunches are free because of how the majority of students would be on reduced lunch otherwise (something like that, I guess). I'm part of the middle class, though. My family isn't super fancy, but we don't have to worry about money (we do anyway).

Wait, I was talking about Lily, who I am worried about. Ugh I hope she's okay but I don't know how to ask. She dyed her hair purple! It looks really nice (her hair was red and black before that).

---


State of mind: okay.

I am cautious, but it is possibly on the up. Obviously I'm in a better mood today, but I dunno if that's just all the caffeine talking (I had a budding migraine this morning so I took half a dose of Excedrine – which has caffeine in it. I also drank coffee that morning. And I got way more sleep than I normally do. So I ended up very jittery).

Things are... okay. I still have a lot of anxiety. And general "rage," as Brock put it earlier today (he made me mad during a meeting – we will discuss this at a later point). Thoughts keep coming up out of nowhere, and I hate it, I just want my brain to stop.... thinking.... horrible, mean stuff. About myself and other people. About humanity as a whole.

---

Brock is making me do some leading during our Peer Leadership field trip on Thursday.

No. I will not. I mean, I will.

But I don't want to. He and Alexis both kind of wanted to give me a "session," (which was annoying bc they were looking at each other like, "she's controlled by her patterns" and I just felt so patronized... that was probs paranoia tho) but no. Wait what. Anyway.

I'm sorry, but these people just don't understand – I have given up. I am not trying to 'fix myself' anymore. No. Fuck you. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of all this, oh, go into the world with the idea that everyone is good, try to be empathetic, notice when you are acting out a behavioral pattern caused by a past event.

No!!!! No!!!! No.

It only ever makes me feel bad. I'm not accomplished afterwards – I'm ashamed. Maybe that is a character flaw. If it is, what am I gonna do? Talk about it until it feels better? Except for that character flaw will keep me from feeling better???!?!??!?!?!? So fuck you??!?!??!

As Mr. Garrison says: I will fuck you all to death.

I am not denouncing all of Peer Leadership's philosophies. I think it holds some validity. But at the same time... I'm not sure I am a part of it. Like I told Bruce – I know what most of my "patterns" are. I know. No one else can tell me, because I've already done all the soul-searching myself. And I can't get past the knowledge of what is wrong with me. Or I guess knowledge of my problems – nothing is wrong with me. Well.
I just can't get past it, is the point. I'm not even sure I want to. I don't see much point. To make me less depressed? Hahah. Hahahah.

Oh, yeah. Brock also said he could see my cynicism coming out. And, well. He's not wrong, but that's just because I'm in a "bad mood" or some other synonym for depression (so that I don't have to keep using that word – it never feels like a real thing. To me, that is. I know it's an actual problem. But is it my problem? Half the time, I'm pretty sure I'm just fucked. Not by brain chemistry and/or by vulnerable genes, but by my own shitty self).

Adrian tried to help me out, but it's set. I will suffer on Thursday. I suppose I get to choose what way I will suffer... And I choose the easy way, which is to reject the position of leadership offered to me by Brock. I will talk to him tomorrow. He always makes me feel guilty about that shit. He would say it's not him, it's my pattern of obligation... but shut up, Brock. So I have a pattern of obligation. I know. It's the only reason I don't drop out of anything. I sure as hell didn't have it when I was in middle school....

------

I talked – and I mean actually TALKED – to Isaac today.

He was the only one in Sandwich's classroom when I entered the room after going to, y'know, take a piss (it was a good piss).

I guess I made a face or something, because Isaac was all, "Do you want me to just leave you alone completely, Veronica? Because you always make this face when you see me –"

And I said, "No! I just – ugh," or something like that because I wasn't sure how to say "it was never you." I think I did say something like that. But I dunno. Isaac is a really smart guy (smarter than I thought), but he is stupid when it comes to me. I don't know why he didn't give up, the way I expected him to??? I guess it feels nice, knowing he still wanted to be around me, but I just. I don't want him to see the shitty parts, where I'm all quiet and Nothing. Just a brick a person, not even there, nodding like an uninterested parent (as he described to Adrian).

With Adrian and Liv and stuff.. it doesn't matter. They've already seen me at my shittiest (partially). They've dealt with my coldness. I don't know why people do this. Why they stay. Or why I don't try harder to get them away.

You could say it's because I really want them there, I just don't like being vulnerable. You could say they really like me. I'm sure both of those things are true. And both of those things make me feel disgusting. I don't want to be the kind of person who does that! It's so unnecessary! But it is emotion, or lack of, and I can't seem to do anything about it.

I let the bad parts of me talk sometimes.

Isaac said, "You don't talk a lot." I tried to apologize for that, but he said, "I like it."

And then I was all, fuck, I'm not though. I do talk a lot! Don't I? I'm pretty sure I do. In bursts. I've always thought of myself as... externally quiet?? With people I know, I'm talkative. I will ask Liv. I can't tell.

I love Liv. I feel like Liv is outside of my depression bubble, y'know? Maybe because I haven't seen her in forever. We've both been busy, but we're still close, y'know? Close but far away. She tried to express this to me the other day, but I already knew, which was nice. I liked that we had the same thought, y'know?

But anyway. What.

Isaac. I dunno. I really like Isaac, but I'm also just. Cautious. The hard part of our friendship is probably not over, and that sucks. And I suck.
And also, we found out that Isaac is Holden Caulfield.

That is kind of a compliment, but also not. Isaac doesn't like anything, and he's aware of that. He's aware of his... narrow lines. But I guess he doesn't care that much. I kind of do, but I'm not sure why. I just know I don't really like narrowness. There's not a lot of space to work, to converse. Ahhh.

I've finished talking I think.

I miss Alexis. I miss a lot of my friends. And I kind of want to die a little, for like maybe a year... but not as much as I kinda wanted to die before and it's never enough to Actually Want To Die.

So I guess that's good news. Oh, right. I just remembered I have that thing on Thursday. And I have a college interview tomorrow. I'm pretty positive I will be neither terrible nor great. My interview will be normal and I won't get into that school because it is highly selective and whatever. Ah.


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