✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-01-09 04:07:29 (UTC)

Roadblocks

Dear Reader,


It honestly blows me away when I see the amount of clothes the majority of people have, and how often people go shopping for clothes. Especially with Youtubers.


It blows me away, because I basically had to start over my entire wardrobe when I first started dressing the way that I wanted too back in 2013. I started with a hoodie, and three T-shirts that I had given money to a friend of mine to buy for me at the time, because I couldn't buy them myself.

Gradually, I was able to buy T-shirts over time. It was the easiest item of clothing to convince my family to let me buy.

Ever since 2013, I didn't have a large closet with variety because of the starting over process. Growing my closet took an agonizingly long time. There were days where I believe I didn't have a choice but to wear the feminine clothes that I still owned at the time, which sucked. Keep in mind, the feminine clothes were also kinda of old and worn even then. The only men's clothing that I was ever able to get my hands on was shirts, never jeans... which is fine. Men's jeans have a lot of room in the crotch which doesn't look very.. attractive. xD

It was... hard. I had to comprise a lot. I remember wearing the same hoodie every day. I remember the same ugly ass converse knock-offs. The old lady jeans. Having to wear clothes that didn't fit.

I remember how hard it was to finally find my style after a life of living in clothes that I never truly felt comfortable in, or I truly identified with.. and even though I knew deep down that this was my style, I still couldn't obtain it. I still couldn't embrace it, because of my family.

I couldn't talk about it either. I remember all of the insults, all of the disapproving, hateful looks, The constant nagging, the arguments, and I was sitting in the car with my grandmother.. and I finally told her that I just didn't feel comfortable in women's clothes. I just felt more like myself in men's clothes..

And I remember her completely dismissing me. I remember her telling me that, it didn't matter. I was going to stop dressing that way, and start dressing feminine again... and I remember screaming in my head.. I remember thinking.. "Did you not just fucking listen to me?" I was so sure that after I finally told her in that moment, she'd get it.. but she didn't. She completely stomped all over my feelings, and I didn't dare talk about it again.

I remember going to school crying because of the shit comments she made about my short hair, or my gloves.. or the day I came home wearing my tie and she yelled at me for it...

I remember all the comments. I remember all the times she made me feel like complete shit about who I am.
That shit never leaves a person's head.. I can't ever forget it.. or how much it hurt.


It took a long time to convince my family to allow me to dress this way.

I accumulated about 10 men's T-shirts since 2013. A few women's button-ups. I had about 3-4 pairs of jeans. I think it was 3. I had three shitty bras that I didn't get to pick out.. they were too small. I had shitty knock-off converse from walmart that fell apart.
Everything I had was either from walmart, or k-mart.

I remember my younger brother getting name-brand clothes.


I remember the first time I ever bought from Hot Topic. It was a batman hoodie, and a BMO T-shirt.The first time I ordered from them online, I bought two denim vests, which were a little too small, but I wore them anyway. I started collecting pins and wearing them on my denim vests. The first tie I ever bought was for "Halloween".

I remember one of my friends buying me 6 ties... after I came to school that day sad because she had yelled at me for wearing that tie.

I remember getting the batman bow-tie.

I remember going to walmart in the pouring rain, getting soaked in the parking lot, to get a belt for my baggy ass pants.

I remember wearing ties with my women's button-ups... denim vests.. and finally a pair of real converse.

I still get shit after every single haircut.
I remember her telling me my deceased father would never let me cut my hair, and how he hated girls with short hair.. and how she failed him for letting me do it.

Parenting at it's finest.


The summer before last, I bought three pairs of shorts. I bought three bras, and three men's button-ups.. and a pair of red converse that I had wanted so much.


I remember having to put all of those ties in a shoebox, and shoving them into a drawer. I haven't been able to wear them since I graduated.

Then that Christmas, I got to go to name-brand stores to shop. My aunt got so pissed at me for shopping in the men's section.
I made the mistake of buying only winter clothes.

This whole year, I had to show up to family events in the same button-ups, or the T-shirts.. no matter if it were supposed to be fancy.

I fell into a habit of re-wearing clothes over and over and over for days straight...


I was growing so sick of it too... and I still do it.

Then finally, Christmas last year.. I opted to shop online for black friday for my Christmas.
I doubled my closet. I will never not take advantage of black friday sales again. I bought 10 shirts from old navy, AND a pair of shoes for only $90.95. I would have had 11 shirts, but one ran out of stock. I was refunded the money for it too.

I was given a gift card for Christmas to a local store that I am in love with. They have all kinds of interesting things that changes constantly, and they have clothes. I found a pair of jeans that are my size, but are slim fit. They're light blue too, which I like because all of my pants are dark. I like them skinny leg, because all of my jeans are baggy in the legs. I like the baggy look sometimes, but I'd like to have some contrast, and some variety with my outfits.

Yes, that morning, I was scared to show my grandparents.
I showed them, and they both had disapproving faces, but they said "As long as you're happy". A phrase I'm sure they didn't mean, and will be forgotten soon.

The money I was refunded for the shirt that ran out of stock, I used to purchase another pair of pants online. They're burgundy, and they're also skinny fitting. I think they'll go great with a lot of the shirts I bought from old navy. I also love burgundy so much.

Both of those pairs of jeans were in the upper $40's for full price, but I got them both under $20 because they were on sale.

I would like to find a pair of black skinny fitted jeans now, and maybe a pair of khaki later on.

The next thing I have my eye on, is black converse.
The burgundy pants? Won't go with my burgundy sneakers, or red converse.

I want a cool hoodie, I want a denim jacket.. I want some more pants.. I want more Jewelry, and accessories.


Basically, I'm tired of the set-backs, and the comprising. I just want to move forward now.
I'm tired of the slow, and the gradual. There's no going back now.. there's no reason for hesitation. There's no reason to keep trying to hold me back... and I just want them to hurry up and realize that.

I realized this yesterday as I was window shopping online, getting frustrated with not being able to buy what I needed.

I need some sweatpants to chill in around the house.
I'm sick of the same grey not-even-sweat pants that I wear every single day, because jeans are uncomfortable to chill in, and it's too cold for shorts.
I have a gift card to Walmart that I want to use for them.

I need bras, but that'll have to wait.


I don't have a job, and I get paid $20 a month to help out around the house. I typically avoid spending that money on clothes, because it typically takes all of it, when I need it for other things.
Because I don't really make a lot, some prices just blow me away. It kind of lowers my standards of prices, if that makes sense.

Like, to me, a shirt that's over $10-$15 is a lot. Anything in the upper $20's for a single piece of clothing is a lot to me, but it's totally normal to others with larger incomes. I'm sure as soon as I find work, and start making money, that perception will change.


It's hard to get her to do things for me, even back before I could even provide it for myself.
It takes asking repeatedly, and when I finally get too, it's never an enjoyable process.

She always treats me like such an annoyance anytime we ever went shopping for something I needed. She always treated me so coldly.. never shared any excitement with me.. never made me feel as though my needs were important.

It's so frustrating to be treated like this, especially when my younger brother gets exactly what he asks for regardless of whether or not he needs it right away.

The last time I bought bras is an example of this.

I had to ask forever, and she was so cold to me while we were in the store.


I told my friend Nick, that as soon as I start getting income after I find a job. I am buying up what I have needed for a long time.

Like I said earlier, I'm tired of the setbacks... I'm so afraid that she'll try to make me buy feminine clothes again when I start hunting for work..

I just want to start living my life.. I knew it would so long to get here, to this point. and now that I am finally here,
I don't want anything else to be in my way.

Sincerely,
LetMeBeMyself




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