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2017-01-06 21:02:40 (UTC)

Return Of The King

I haven't written here in 13 years.

I was in such a dark place when I first came here. I never expected to live this long. I was told I wouldn't.

So much has changed, it is amazing to think about. I feel nostalgic a little writing here again after so much time.

I took the time and re-read ALL of the letters people had sent to me back when I was active on this site.

If I could do it all over again, starting back so long ago, I would have told Alex how much I had fallen in love with her back then. She could write a small sentence that somehow would illuminate my soul for months on end, and the world seemed like a better place to be in.

I was so down on myself, I never thought anyone could possibly ever hold me in a regard like that. Moreso, I seen myself as a negative impeding anyone I was involved with. In my way at the time, not sharing how amazing I thought Alex was, well - that was my twisted way of looking out for her. I was saving her from me and any of the stupid whatever I thought I was at the time.

Then again, even if that broken part of me was removed and I told her - I have a high expectation of rejection. I can count on one hand the people that my soul reacted to like that in my life - where their presence or words just LIFT me no matter what. Alex was one of them and re-reading old posts from her made me really happy today - and really regretting losing touch - and not pursuing more whether it was friendship or whatever. I mean, I don't want to presume there was ever a mutual or potential mutual thing there. I would have made sure it was amazing if there was, though.

Anyway - flights of fantasy aside - it feels good to be back.

I'm going to make a real effort starting today to breath NEW LIFE into my diary.

So what is new? Since... 13 years ago.... well:

I have a daughter now. Raine is the most amazing person on the planet and it was an amazing experience designing and creating her! Yes, I will humbly take all credit for the choices made in a mother chosen for never having been sick enough to require a hospital her entire life to offset my own genes, which demonstrably, were lacking in that regard. I would like to look as though I were a decent human being and say I loved her mother and that there were more than good genetics specifically chosen for the purposes of a child whose sum total of genes had dominant traits in all the right places between us - but... I'm a shallow mean person who deserved an academy award performance for pretending to be in love with someone, and I paid for this in karma by how horrible they were to me throughout and since then. The result, however, is the most beautiful daughter one could ever ask for in mind, spirit, and body; respectively to say that she is in a program for the gifted, she is a saint, and she is healthy.

I was recommended for placement in a gifted program as a child. My mother wouldn't allow it, angrily defending me from being "socially ostracized". I scored 99.4 in the placement testing. I thought I would need to bury that in my past forever. What father would ever have that known casting a shadow or expectation upon their children? However, Raine scored 99.6 - beating me - so I could share that with her afterwards!

Raine and I are both Type 1 Diabetics. That was a life adjustment as well.

I had a series of bad relationships leading up to the desire to be a father. After the separation with Raine's mother, I did try one more time years later, only to learn that I really don't seem to attract anything but crazy people. That is consistent with 90% of whom I dated in the past. I'm better off alone. If someone really thinks as well of me as I have of others, maybe they would tell me... OK, so not likely - I mean - I just thought of the Alex example - I held her on a high pedestal, and never said shit. But let's pretend that the theory is valid even if all evidence at hand doesn't support it. If I am going to be with someone, they will find me.

I had a need to expand my understanding of social interaction between genders. This is an extension of the topic of many meme's I suppose. I mean, first to come to mind is "Be grateful that, as a man, you don't understand women. Women understand women, and they all hate each other". That is bullshit, of course. People are people, and there are things that happen differently between social situations depending on gender. People are more forgiving of expressing your feelings if you are female, I've found. I've interacted online with people as myself, and as a fictional character, going through many stages of the last 6 years. Some know me online as one entity, some as the other. I share all the same real life with all. I react the same to everything to all. But I get very different feedback and support cleanly divided on who see's the person behind the information as male or female. It has taught me a great deal about people in general. It is invaluable to understanding finer elements of the human condition. Reflecting on this has also been helpful in taking alternative takes on life and considering everything in broader perspectives.

It has improved my life and my appreciation of it.

It also flew in the face of the original premise. I was expecting to see that, at the heart of it all, we are all souls with a certain measurable equality not affected by things like gender in the end of it all. This was wrong. We have tendencies. Males treat males and females distinctly differently despite their personal orientations sexually. Likewise, females treat males and females differently as well, also despite what their personal sexual orientations are. It isn't like I've tracked data and taken measurements and come up with figures - but it is nearly universal that people, both male and female, are a lot more compassionate to a female than a male. If I am upset about something, I can talk about it, cry, work it out, get advice, have people share stories with me and relate to me about it - if they see me as a female. MUCH more often, it is a "buck up buttercup" reaction if they see me as a male. Some still open up with some stories relating to it, but the delivery suddenly takes on a "who suffered the most" competitive angle, not a supportive angle. Just to give a few vague examples of what the differences have been like... It has been very fascinating.

Sometimes I've wondered if I was doing something wrong. The original premise was never deception. The fact of the matter is, I've never declared gender on any of the accounts for the first 4 years. Rather, people made assumptions, and I never challenged them. After a while, it became what it became on its own - then I narrowed the accounts down from 10 to 2, one male, one female. Since the point was simply to be anonymous, the number of accounts didn't matter at the outset. Once it had evolved on it's own, 2 were required - no more, no less.

I've also started going to a therapist. Sometimes it is better to have an objective opinion on whether I am scientifically curious, or genuinely of multiple personalities. I suppose a certain level of "if you can ask if you are crazy, you are not crazy" applies. I do feel like a different personality depending on one account over the other. Is it split personalities, or just reaction to knowing people will be nicer to me on one versus the other. Everything shared stops short of revealing any identity personally - but everything else shared is identical. Being a guy, you need to be a lot tougher, a lot more self reliant, and never let anyone see you hurt. Being a girl, you can relax a lot more. If you vent, cry, say something stupid, put your foot in your mouth, whatever - it is typically met with compassion, humor, etc - but generally accepted. Many of the exact same things as a guy come off as weakness, and sometimes seen as stupidity or creepiness. Then again, some certain groups of men only accepted opinions meaningfully when they heard them from me as a man. So there is definitely finer talking points for pro and con on both sides.

This entire thing occurred accidentally in the first place. It originated as education for my daughter on how to remain anonymous online. Then it became using CleverBot to simulate chat room experience online where Raine was free to make mistakes without consequence since there were no actual people in the chat - just cleverbot, an AI program that measures very high on the Turin test. Then that evolved into online gaming, and how to deal with real people, trolls, etc. Using the same accounts privately sparked off me taking note of the other differences that emerged.

The rest was just going with it.

I appreciate how it educated Raine for staying safe in a connected world.
I appreciate how much it also taught us both about people in general.

I don't know what would happen if I revealed the difference, or how that could be done without no longer being anonymous.

I part of me still feels the need to keep my ONLINE life, and my REAL WORLD life, in two separate spheres - so motivation to burst the bubble doesn't exist. Besides, I make a great online friend as either. It shouldn't matter. Either way - it is still me.

Anyway - that was the most unconventional thing new in the last 13 years.

I will end it there for today.

I just now thought that no one would ever read this anyway - but then again - that is exactly what I would have thought 13 years ago as well.


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