FatPandaGuy

Ordinarily Bryce
2017-01-07 02:05:36 (UTC)

My LIfe, Normal or Not?

This is going to be a long post about my up bringing, I feel if i write this down there might be some self acceptance and closure.


I started off just like most other person started off, having two people meeting and conceiving, some couples stay together and some separate. in my situation, my parents separated when i was 8 months old. i never blamed my self for this nor do i now. but as i have just come back in contact with my farther i have some tough decisions on how a perceive my parents as each parents says something in negative light towards the other.


anyway, my parents separated i went with my mother and had the occasional visit from my father through out my years. i was always a happy kid, always laughing and playing in the sun. life is just so bliss between the ages of 2 and 10, every thing is so simple, and innocent. My first day of school was awesome, i loved it. i made friends easily had a great teacher and was just loving life. but things change when you start to become more aware of the crappy things in life. unfortunately for my mother she damaged her back her back in a work related injury. she was put into therapy, countless amounts of doctors appointments. I was 8 at the time and little did i know i had just witnessed what would later cause my mums life to be empty and the reason she hits rock bottom. Due to my mums injury she struggled to bend, walk and stand longer then a minute, this cause her to come depressed that she couldn't do the most simplest of tasks. So this is where i had to become my mothers support. I was asked to fetch her drinks, clean dishes, vacuum the house, and not only look after her, but my self and the two dogs we owned. (Now im not saying this to get attention or pity, or even that this is unique, i know im not the only person to go through this but im simply expressing what had happened and how i reacted). Me being so young and content with life i was happy to help, i even went the extra mile in doing something just to surprise her and maybe just see her smile.

As time went on and i was in 6th grade this is there year i first experienced bullying and the feeling of self worthlessness. i am "curvy" as some might say, having to look after my mother and her not being able to cook led to a lot of unhealthy easy meals, i don't blame that for my size now but back when i was a kid i didn't know better. me being the size i was led to a lot of bullying, i would be chased home on my bike with kids trying to hit me with sticks, the older boys would pee on my bike. I don;t like confrontation so i would stare at the ground waiting till they have had their fun. the bullying eased off when i hit 7th grade because at that point your the oldest kids in the group, but the ridicule didn't stop completely i was always the punch line of a fat joke and the stupid joke, even though i would always get above average marks with having to really apply myself.

As i went into high school things changed drastically, every one was about relationship and making dick jokes. i never found the appeal in it, so this is when i began going to the library during lunch just to avoid people. i watched them through the window of the library just wondering why was i so different and why couldn't i just "fit" in. This school life started effecting my home life, i found my self not being happy with life but just tolerating it. my efforts in helping my mum at home became less, i started resenting her, saying shes why i don't fit in with kids at school. i would quiet often say to my self that because i had to look after my mum i missed out on a childhood and to this day i still agree with some parts of that. i started becoming depressed, i got an xbox and fell in love. suddenly i went from hiding from kids at school to talking and laughing with these kids from around the world. it was great we all loved games so we got along, there is no judgement on physical appearance and i think i liked this most about it. I started asking my mum if i could stay home, i told her the truth, i said i don't like the kids at school and it not like my grades are struggling, can i please stay home, i can help you when you need and i came play xbox. she said yes, and we both took advantage of the situation. my mum started asking me to do more and more for her, she wouldn't push her self to do something because it was easier for me just to do it. so between games i would help. and each week i started to have more time off school and i got deeper and deeper into my online persona and not wanting to leave. after a while more resentment built up towards my mother and each time she asked me to do something i would groan and make a fuss. this led to arguments with her saying im just an ungrateful ass hole. our fights began to become more and more heated with her saying she wants me out of her fucking house, i was 14 at the time, so i looked into foster parents, my mum found an email i had sent an agency. she then knew how depressed i was. She booked me into counselling. i found counselling stupid, its just people giving you lectures. unfortunately this didn't work i got worse, and so did my mother. she started becoming more lethargic and unable to walk, she also became more depressed and started referring to her self as a bad mother. when it came to my mum and i arguing i wouldn't say anything this seemed to piss her off even more, i didn't mean for it to but i did, so she would start to say meaner and meaner things trying to get a reaction out of me but she never did. until one day i was suicidal and she started having a go at me because i washed the dishes but i forgot to wash a knife, so she started calling me useless and pathetic, and shes ashamed to call me her son. and i cracked. i had enough of her making me feel like shit so i wanted her to feel how i felt. so i told her that i have tried to kill my self and that i want to leave because you are making me depressed and suicidal. she stopped in her tracks and started to cry, i walked away felling ashamed of what i had said but not wanting to admit it. we didn't talk for about 2 weeks we just avoided each other in the house and i got sent to the other side of Australia to live with family friends. this was just a short term thing only for 4 months but it was to get me out of a bad head space.


im going to leave it here for now and ill continue this later, thanks guys!!




Ad: