The Rat

2017-01-06 17:00:04 (UTC)


Growing up my mom would do this thing every once in awhile where she'd get paranoid we were saying bad things about her in private to each other, so she'd storm into rooms and demand to know if we were talking about her even if all we were doing was quietly reading or something. I remember always feeling embarrassed and sad for her that she would do that and make herself look totally insane. She was insane in other ways and a terrible mother, but displays like that made her seem like she was losing her mind into paranoid delusions and thoughts.

As a teenager I got mixed diagnoses all the time. One therapist would say I suffered from Major Depression Disorder, another would say Bipolar, another would say Generalized Anxiety.

I accepted the Bipolar diagnosis a couple of years ago after some really obvious cycling behaviors over the course of a year. I reflected hard on the past and it was like suddenly I could see it, and could draw the parallels between me and my mother.

Lately over the past couple years the paranoia has intensified. It's like I always feel like everyone in the world can see me every second of the day, everything I do, and they notice everything I don't like about myself.

Did I drink too much beer watching TV the night before and fall asleep with my shoes on? Everyone at work must know what a drunk I am. I should just kill myself to escape the embarrassment.

Remember yesterday you forgot the names and most of the story line to a book you read? Well the person you were talking to thinks you were lying and trying to look smart for having read that book or something, or trying to fit in with everyone who said they read it. And now they think less of you.

That person who smiled at you at work is making fun of you, they are being nice to you to mock you.

I am sort of sitting on my couch knowing I feel shame but I don't really know why I should feel shame because nothing has happened.

I keep half-recalling learning in college in a Child Development class that there was a point, maybe in the teens, where a child learns shame. They go from dancing alone in a mirror, to the moody pubescent, caring what people think stage where they are afraid to be embarrassing.

It's like I've regressed, but I wasn't even like that as a teen. I was very much myself. But now at 25 I don't really feel like myself. Or I feel like I've lost myself, and am trying to be myself but I can't even remember who I am. So I'm acting like someone, and grasping at an identity, and everyone can tell? That's how I feel. Like everyone is laughing at me struggling to stay one person, and they hate me just as much as I hate me.