✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2017-01-05 22:50:41 (UTC)

O' Brother Where Art Thou Cont. - Day 5


Dear Reader,


Recently, I've been binge-watching Chloe Lmao vines on Youtube. I came across a few I thought my younger brother, E, would like.

So, I finally got the chance to show them to him yesterday. He was sitting on the foot of my bed as I talked to him.
He was on his phone, and I pushed the laptop over to show him. He laughed, and all was good. He saw the two I had pulled up, and as I started to pull the laptop away, another vine started to play on the compilation that I wanted to show him too, and I pushed the laptop back again saying, "Oh, and this one too." All the while laughing..

And, I don't know what happened at all. It was like a switch just turned off, because he just shouted at me aggressively as I was still pushing the laptop.
"I DON'T WANT TO WATCH STUPID VIDEOS."

And a second after he shouted, before I could even process what he said, he just slams the the screen down as hard as he can onto my hand which was on the laptop.

And he just turns back to his phone...
And, I was speechless.. I was shocked at the sudden hostility.. there was no reason for him to have done that.
It just upset me so much, and made me so angry and frustrated that I just immediately started crying...

Of course I didn't try to bring attention to myself crying.. It was just a reaction I had no control over...
My throat constricted, and I couldn't speak. I had no voice.. I struggled breathing.

I just wanted to scream at him to just get the fuck out of my room if he was just going to treat me like shit.
I wanted to scream and call him every name in the book..

But I couldn't talk.

So, I silently got up and started straightening my room, trying to calm down and collect myself.
I wiped away the tears as they flowed down my face, and tried to breathe steadily and quietly.

He saw me, and he just said in a hateful tone. "Why are YOU crying?"
And I just gave him a look and said. "I'm not."

I sat back down to the laptop and started watching videos.

I just kept thinking how I wanted to do something.. how I wanted to get even.. but I still couldn't.

I started watching Shane's videos.. and he immediately started complaining, and after I ignored him, he said in the most entitled, asshole way.. "Will you answer me when I'm talking to you?"

Um, you think I WANT to talk to you after you just blew up in my face for no fucking reason, and almost broke R's laptop?
You could have just told me like a normal fucking person that you didn't want to watch the fucking video.
Asswipe.

I told him to just get the fuck out, but he didn't.

And I left soon after to go do my fucking chores.

I was still angry at dinner...
but after awhile, I guess I just forgive too easily. The heat was fading, and I was mostly just feeling whatever about it.

I wanted to write about it yesterday.. but I just couldn't.

Remember the burgundy pants I mentioned yesterday?
R is supposed to order them for me. I got everything ready, so all he had to do was put in his payment method.. because the more he has to do, the less likely he'll do it. I thought it would help my chances.. but I should have known better.

I asked him if he'd order them for me after he got all ready. And of course, he doesn't want too. He said he only has 30 minutes to get ready for work. (Which he spends reading Manga and watching anime FYI.)
It would only take two minutes to enter his information, and for me to enter my gift card information, (which was leftover from Christmas. It wasn't enough to pay for the pants which is why I needed him too. He was going to get payed back. He always does.)

This pair isn't even the pair I was supposed to have been getting.. because he did this same bullshit the day before yesterday.
And they ran out of stock, so I had to choose another pair. It's the only pair left in my size.

I told him this, and he gave me the same fucking response: "Too bad. That's not my problem."

The issue here wasn't money, or time.

He's just an asshole. He didn't want to do it, because he didn't want any time taken away from playing on the laptop before work..
(Which, if he were to go to bed sooner, he'd have way more time to do that.)

He can't be bothered to do anything for anyone if it doesn't benefit him. That's why he wouldn't do it.

Three Christmas's ago, I remember we were having our family dinner.
I was sitting in the TV room. I was wearing long-sleeves, a hoodie, and shoes and socks.. And it was still freezing.
I asked him as he was fucking passing the heater if he would turn it on for me. (I didn't know how)

He said sure, and the thing about our heater is you have to hold in this switch for about 30 seconds, and then you can turn it on.
He held it, but he let go too soon, meaning he'd have to hold it for another 30 seconds.
He decided that was too long away from his anime, and video game, and just sat down across from me and got back onto his laptop.
I asked him if he had turned it on, and he said no.

And I was like.. "What? why not? It's freezing in here." And he just said: "I didn't want too. Leave me alone."
And I kept asking him to, and he kept ignoring me.

So I got so upset that I just threw my spoon covered in gravy at him and told him to turn the fucking heater on.
He threw it to the floor, and just ignored me.

So, I just stormed out after shouting at him that he cares more about playing on his laptop than he cares about me.

And.. that still rings true today unfortunately.


I've been thinking for a long time now... I know as an adult, so many people have great relationships with their siblings...
And I've known for awhile now that I never will.. the only reason they even talk to me is because they see me everyday...

They both think I'm a loser... which is true.

Both of them oppose everything that I am... E knows I'm pansexual, R doesn't.
E isn't exactly homophobic.. but he's more like.. tolerant of it I guess? He's very misinformed about homosexuality, and the LGBTQ community. He's very ignorant about it.

R.. where do I even start with R.
He's against every social justice movement there is.
Racism doesn't exist anymore. Sexism is all delusional, body shaming is good, discrimination toughens people up, mental illness isn't real and doesn't need to be taken seriously, discrimination toughens people up, gender is binary, "gays won't exist in a few years".

Keep in mind that he is a white, cis-gendered male, who doesn't have to work out to be thin, doesn't suffer from mental illness, has never been a victim of discrimination, and is straight.

Me? I am EVERYTHING he is against, except I am white... but I know damn well racism is still an issue. Physically, I am female. But gender-wise, I identify with gender-variant. I don't see myself as a boy or a girl in my head. I just see a person, who is a color on the gender spectrum.
I feel more comfortable in masculine clothes, short hair-cut, but with some feminine aspects.
I have suffered from depression, and anxiety for as long as I can remember.. I have been discriminated against, and I am pansexual/demisexual.

He has only gotten worse, and anti-social justice ever since the election. Guess who he supported? Yep.

The only thing we have in common, is our religious views, and our skin color.

R listens to anti-social justice shit on youtube all the time.. He thinks because he agrees with these white, straight, cis-gendered men talk about how these issues aren't real, makes him some sort of philosopher. And yes, he does make it out to be like he is better, and smarter because he has these beliefs.

My younger brother is kinda similar with R in that he is incredibly misinformed. He just doesn't care enough to delve into it as much as R does. R is a diver, E is a skimmer.

Both of them shit on me all the fucking time for being a "social justice warrior". It must be nice to live in a world that doesn't systematically exclude you, overlook you, discredit you, discriminate against you, ignore you, laugh at you, forget you, revoke your rights at any moment, riot because you exist, run your government and make laws against you.

It must be nice to live in a world that doesn't make you feel like you shouldn't exist, or makes you feel as though you are a lesser being, because of who you love, the color of your skin, the size of your waist, the struggles you go through.


You can see.. how this already drives wedges between us. You can see how hard it makes it for me... to hear my brothers shit on everything that I am all the time... how difficult it is to live in this environment.

Like I said.. I know. I won't have a relationship with my brothers after they move away. E, I can understand.. but R?
He wouldn't care enough to keep in touch.

I've been starting to think that... I shouldn't keep trying anymore.
I should just come to terms with them being roommates, and not family.

I know that I could never count on either of them.

The only reason I try is because I guess deep down I brush a lot of it off as just normal sibling dysfunction..
But I know it's more than that.. I know it's not normal. We're all just different people.

Something I've always wanted desperately... is just a normal, loving, accepting family.

But I've come to terms with the fact that I won't ever have that.

Sincerely,
StrangerOfThou




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