✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
Her True Colors - Day 3
Dear Reader,
I went to help bring in groceries.
She tells met to look out over the neighbor's house at his grape vines a fairly good distance away, and tell her what I see.
I can't see anything out of the ordinary.
At first I think she's referring to the smoke in the bit of land passed his house, and ask if that's what she was referring to.
"No, don't be stupid." She says condescendingly.
This automatically makes me anxious, and pisses me off. It makes me wince inside.
"Well is it? I don't know what you're talking about."
"Look over there at the grape vine!" She huffs. She's instantly hostile and angry.
Mind you, I have never been on that side of his house, never knew he had grape vines, and this is a fair distance away, and everything on that side is engulfed in kudzu, and she hasn't even given me a clue as to what she wants me to look at.
"The fence?" Is all I can gather that she's trying to tell me.
"Never mind, you can't figure it out." She gives up. She says this in a tone that just tells me how stupid she thinks I am, and how little she thinks of me. She starts grabbing groceries angrily.
I just sigh, and wonder what the fuck I did to deserve to be treated that way.
We come inside, and she tells Papa what she saw, which she says was an animal pen, and tells him how she tried to get me to see it, but I couldn't.
I just came into my room, sat down, and started fuming.
How can you treat your granddaughter like that?
You'd never treat your other grandkids that way. You'd never be so belittling, so condescending, so rude, so hateful to them,
at least not to their face.
I hate that me, R, and E are the only ones to see your true fucking colors.
The others? They'd defend you to the grave.. because they don't know how you really are..
How you talk shit about them, their spouses, their in-laws, their life choices...
I hate that all the can see is a halo over your head, but I see the spiked tail from behind your back.
It's fucked up that you can't even see it either. You think you are perfect, and nothing you do is wrong, and you have every right to put us down, stomp on my feelings, insult and hate everything we love.. Make us feel worthless, make us feel broken and defective..
Make me be afraid, and ashamed to be myself around you.
And, they'd never believe me if I told them. They'd never leave your side.
I'm calling it right now, January 3rd, 2017..
If I ever have to come out about the truth, I'm calling it. My cousins, aunts, and uncles...
Won't believe me.
Shit like this happens everyday.
Her voice stirs my anxiety. Her insults, her anger, are damaging blows.
I used to log all of it.. but I just stopped writing for awhile.
I guess when I thought I would start writing everyday, part of me knew that I'd want to start logging this bullshit again..
And I still am hesitant. Because I do want to do prompt entries. But, I'm still hesitant.. because.. it means opening up again.
Sincerely,
ItWasReal
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