All that is
Ad 2:
2017-01-03 11:51:41 (UTC)


I've come to believe that there is something about bumping into someone, continuously that points to a larger plan for you and that person. I didn't come up with this myself, but one nigerian guy in the film circle who i kept bumping into, told me this - that it means there is something that you need from that person, and that they need from you. And somehow I believe this - or at least I like to. I think of the people I tend to bump into randomly and I think it can't be co-incidence all the time, and they tend to be someone who I already value in some way, or maybe someone i don't necessarily 'value', but has been on the periphery of my mind in some way. Maybe 'value' isn't the right word. But nontheless, whenever I bump into someone that I've met before, more than once, but not always, they stay in my mind for this reason.

The last person I bumped into randomly, who i'd been thinking about loosely from time to time, is S, josh's friend. I was in Brixton for the closing night of film africa, and i remember at first thinking i shouldn't have come here and how it wasn't as lit as i'd hoped or imagined. so eve and I made an early departure. On our way from the ritzy to the station, we bumped into S. I clocked him and then he clocked me. He stopped, we hugged and said hi. i introduced him to eve and we spoke for a few minutes. Prior to this the only other time we'd met was when josh invited me to his comedy stand up at a venue in stockwell. then once again when josh and i met up in peckham for a drink. S came towards the end and even though we chatted, it was still via josh in many ways. This meeting in brixton was the first time that he and i met, so to speak without josh. so i ask him what he's up to now and he says he was on his way to get some wings. he mentions that the wings taste like eguci. I'm intrigued and sold (and also pleased that he knows what egusi is. we walk over to the place and it's a jamaican/korean fusion joint. wings are lit. long and short, we have a good convo, getting to know eachother, and interestingly, neither of us mention josh. we finish our meal, he walks me back to the station, we hug and that's that. Interestingly prior to that, he had messaged me on facebook a few times randomly ,with random questions.
First msg thanked me for his bday msg
second random one asked me whether i was a feminist.
third one was simply "yo" at 3.42am in the monring.

Fast forward 3 months, and I think i really like him. Or have formed an irrational crush on him at the very least. I'm not sure why this is so. He's good looking, but in an elusive way though - not like josh whose handsomeness registers immediately - you have to search for it, but when you find it, its arresting. I do wonder though whether this elusive attractiveness is what draws me to him. That in my subconscious i feel ike he's more attainable and this is what makes him more desirable. In the past though, I've noticed that the love interests that got me all the way fucked up - that made me lose my mind, were the slow burners. the ones that didn't jump out at me at the start - where it wasn't attraction at first sight. in fact, maybe even the opposite - perhaps there was something about his face that was not quite 'there' something a little big, or a quirk. but these were the ones who held me hard, boy. I think of light skinned joshua. I think of davy rome, and even of ben anderson.
His lips, his face, his smile. I sound weird now.

The last time I saw him was saturday - new years eve day. we filmed his sketch, kai and i - which he was grateful for. The thing is, he and I had planned to have a drink that same evening - we'd made this plan on tuesday the week before. this was before i came on board for his sketch. the thing is however, that I had plans later that evening myself for new years eve. so the plan in my mind was that yes we would still film, but then we would go and get a drink somehwere and he could come with me for nye party. In retrospect I'm glad he didn't come since the party was litttt lit it was a small thing. but that's beside the point. I remember asking him when we were filming, i have plans tonight theres a house party, do you wanna come, and straight up with no hestitation he said "no". I was so gutted. cos that was the reason for filming that day (well not the sole reason, but it was my ulterior motive, at least). I kept asking him at different moments and he said, even if you told me that Dwayne "the rock" johnson was gonna be there, I wouldn't go. and that's when i knew ahh ok. he's not budging. In my mind tho i still thought to myself, i don't give a fuck, we're stil having that drink tonight. so after filming, kai left, and it was he and i and he said 'so what you gonna do now?' (read: i don't really wanna do anything tbh).. and I ignored that and said, well we said we'd go for a drink didn't we..." and i trailed off. then he said 'I'm really tired!" and I said 'yea i know right?". then surprisingly, he said "i'm really hungry, let's go get something to eat" - i suggested that wing place aagin and he shut it down, saying "it's too much sometimes lol". we left his house and he asked me what i felt like eating. we eventually end up at an american grill place in clapham north (ben a's old spot) and we go inside and order. we have a good conversation I feel, however at times when I go off in my own mind during a moment of silence, I'm brought back by a question he's asking. and I wondered whether the fact that these questions were sometimes what one might call banal, was anything to worry about. for instance, he'd ask "so do you ever go to see your brother in america?" i dunno bout some people, but to me that's the kinda question you ask when you're not interested in that person whatsoever - like what you ask someone you just met at the bus stop. So times like those left me slightly disheartened. but dunno. I'm going to his play this friday, and I told him bout it yesterday and he said "that's dope." He asked me a couple of times whehtehr i was going and i said a variation of yea and i wasn't sure cos tickets were steep. so when i told him i was gonna go i don't think he was expeting it. I'm not sure what to make of it tbh, but I can tell he's quite reserved. he even says so himself - that he's very shy - like his mum too - that his mum is awkward. so i wonder if that's part of it. I shared this with franck and he thinks that he's interested, but he's in no rush. that he's clearly reserved/shy. and that i'll probably have to make the first move at some point. I'm thinking hmmm. dunno.

He mentioned that he's having a one man show in April and would like to shoot a lead up film to the show. I said that'd be a great idea (and not just for strategy - i really do think it'd be a cool idea). So my next course of action is to wait until after his show this friday. and then meet to find out his plan for the one man show. we can do a script around it like that 'we live this' doc. aside from the fact that he would make a suitable subject for my documentary, it's an obvious way to spend time with him. i sound like such a fucking predator... Obvs my other thought is whether he's just sees me as a friend who could help him shoot the doc for free. that's obvs a big advantage for him. so now any show of interest i receive from him will make me think " is he only doing this cos he needs me" ? I told franck about this worry doc with him and he said that after his play on friday, i should give him a light kiss on the side of his mouth, or on his cheek. depending on how he reacts, i'd know how he feels. if i decide he doesn't feel the same way, i'll be more informed/sober when makin a decision about whether to work with him for my thing.
so friday night, we'll see.