Ad 2:
2017-01-03 02:04:24 (UTC)

It's been a while

I took time off from this and the internet for the time being. I had a bad time this past weekend. It wasn't the holiday that was bad but just the silence. It was the thoughts. It was quite a bit of things.

Thinking of all the things that have happened in my relationships with men had me realize that there are no such things as good men left in the world. They are all ruled by two things. Money and what's between a woman's legs. Money allows them to not bother with working. It's far easier to have someone pay their way and not have to consider anything else. Not clean the house. Not work. Not anything. It's far easier to just have a woman pay for everything. It's far easier to have a woman work and support them. The other? That's obvious. I've grown tired of the phrases "you don't need to work but you can" only to become the demon for it. They enjoy the paycheck when it comes in. They enjoy spending it on themselves, made better that I want nothing for myself. They enjoy the perks that the extra income provides. Yet they will do things to make you late. They will complain that you work too much. They will complain that you're not home enough. That all ends on payday though. When the money runs out it's back to the beginning, rinse and repeat. Only one worked, begrudgingly. I don't count Chris because to be honest, that door is closed for good. All he sees is sex and nothing more. After the first time that he believed someone over me it has me assured that given the chance, it would happen again. I don't want to go down that road again. It's why I know that I will truly be alone for the rest of my life and I'm grudgingly accepting that. Why shouldn't I be? I mean reading prior entries it's easy to see why it's for the best that I remain that way. Not just that I love R still and he has reinforced that no one else but him will ever love me, but there's far more.

While I'm a good person (so I'm told) I'm also a demon. I taint everything I touch. I am disease to any relationship that I ever hope to have. I don't lie, I'm not attractive in any way. I pass women in Walmart that are far more attractive than I ever hope to be. I'm a workaholic. I have nothing to offer. I'm seemingly abusive. I have no appealing traits outside of that I give everything that I have to try and make someone happy. I fail each time and inevitably do the wrong thing each time. No matter how right I think I'm doing, it always turns out to be the wrong thing. The one thing that I've always wanted? To be loved. Something that I'm realistic enough to know will never happen. I've given up hope on that. I have nothing left to hope for. Russ will never love me. Never did. He loved the control he had over me. Russ will never take me back. Why would he? According to him I'm the reason for all his woes in this world. He won't ever accept the truth and with his failing memory, he'll create whatever he wants to fill in the holes. Yes, I used his name. I'm not hiding any longer. After his email that was the final beat down. Curious? Want to read it?

"First of all, I'm going to point out the simplistic answer of why I don't put too much effort into emails. Every one starts the same. You accuse me of things that aren't true, convinced yourself of things that aren't real, and have to reach back up to five years to list things I do that bother you, or you consider as faults. Then when you're done painting your narrative, you switch tones about how you want things to work, when you've already spent the first half of your messages blaming me for various things that aren't true.{{They actually are all true.}} All it tells me is either you are delusional and aren't sure what the truth is, or you've so strongly gotten your head wrapped around things I perceive as lies that there's no way to get through to you. Case in point, you brought up when you lived in Florida in 2012-13. At the time you were still sharing a bed with RSS, while planning to pack your stuff and move in with me.{{This never happened. RSS wasn't even living with me let alone sleeping with me. This is what I meant by filling in his own holes. He knew this wasn't true.}} I wasn't comfortable with that. The more I got to know about your life in Florida, you mentioned your buddy Chris is an ex who you use to live with that you spent a lot of time with, even one of your housemates you dated briefly. It was the pattern of all the males in your life in Florida always ended up in your bed. And after they left it, they continued to hang around. When you go out of your way to mention the people you slept with still buzzing around, what reaction did you expect?{{I remain friends with a few exes and that was the crux of his issue. That and I have mostly male friends. He was extremely jealous about them.}} Nonetheless, the main focus was still sharing a bed with your ex boyfriend.{{Again, never happened. Also I was in the process of getting divorced so that I could come to him freely.}} That isn't ok. But years later, you still bring up my feeling that way as some flaw or fault. Yet you also say I never give exes a second chance or deal with them again, yet in this very email you accuse me of keeping in touch with them. You can't have it both ways. Some woman I dated 16 years ago was a moderator in a group of old friends on facebook and approved my application.{{He emails her frequently. Lived in the same town with her. Bragged constantly about where him and this nympho ex had sex. Complained about another one, yet both are on his Facebook. Both are still friends. So yes he wants it both ways, but not for me.}} Yet somehow that constitutes consorting with exes in your mind. That's insane.

As for Ju, she was just a good writer I was trying to befriend. Though it was unreasonable, I created a three way skype conference just so you could be apart of anything said between us.{{Actually I did this for story purposes.}} When speaking to her early on, you wanted to be in on the calls, so any phone calls made you were included in. {{He had already been calling her while I was at work. He wanted me on that one phone call and that's when I learned about him calling her by accident.}} That's not natural or healthy, but I indulged you anyways to try and make you comfortable with the idea of me having a female friend. You were still jealous, kept seeing things that weren't there. So I chose to talk to her privately and explain to her you're not comfortable with her around, and it wasn't a good idea for us to continue to talk or write stories together. {{This story has changed several times since it's inception. That has been validated by several people.}} Ironically, I was trying to break off contact with the first new friend I'd made in years due to you, the day you hit me. Of course I said she was "perfect." Her sexual orientation alone would make it impossible for there to be anything between her and I, {{she's poly-amorous but that didn't stop him in the least.}}making me feel maybe your jealousy of other people wouldn't bubble to the surface. She had no interest in me,{{he had all the interest so I'm told. Though I'm sure it went both ways for it to continue.}} and we were just casual friends primarily focused on writing and collaborating together. It was perfect for me. You were so jealous and controlling you demanded that if I got back into writing you had to be involved or my partner in that,{{never happened.}} and even mandated who I could or couldn't be around.{{I had asked that he not partner with 3 women with logical reasons. He got upset because I had asked that much.}} After I broke up with you, I saw no reason to throw away a friend for your benefit. I also reached out to Ji, another friend you chased away due to jealousy.{{Have already been over this in prior entry. Though for reference, never happened. Either she is lying to him or he to himself.}} Even now I'm single, and guess what? Those I told you were just friends aren't in my bed, they're still just the friends they always were. Your paranoia made you never believe me.{{His paranoia of every male in my life had me remove them from my life. Yet I wasn't allowed to believe the same of him.}}

One thing you never seemed to get is having to be with my son 24/7{{Now? Yes. Before, I would watch him whenever he asked. It was his own choice not to do anything. Heck when Russ would nap, I would watch his son and even take him out.}} I don't get to go out and hang out with friends on the weekend, or go have a beer with people after work, etc. All I had was you. {{He chose to close his skype and never open it. He chose to not talk to people on Facebook. He chose not to do anything unless it was female, disturbed, and willing to show her goods for him on webcam.}}Writing for me on the internet was no different than joining a book club. It was a way to socialize with other adults and do something recreational besides play video games and stay shuttered away in my own house. Yet even that was too much for you to maturely handle, assuming just because I met you on the internet, that somehow I was trolling for a new girlfriend or something.{{No. Just women for him to convince to masturbate for him online and then take pictures of it. His chief favorite line? "You don't have to be shy with me."}} You isolated me,{{See above comment.}} while always assuming the worst in me, thinking I was always up to something. I quit writing for two years just because of your meltdowns.{{Again not true. He closed his room because everyone left, like always. He ruined it and people went elsewhere. He closed it because there wasn't anything there.}} I valued our relationship more than I did socializing with other people at that time. I swallowed a lot of shit just to make things work with you. {{This would be the other way around.}}When you finally turned violent, that was a cherry on top. I wasn't going to put up with any more than I already had. As for your phone, again, all I had was you. So when you vanish and I want to talk to you, I'd search the house and look for you. I'd find you on the front porch with the lights out, our out in the side yard on the dark. I had no idea what you were doing or where you were, only that I haven't seen or heard from you in an hour or two. Naturally when I find you, you're talking to someone. When it's 2am, 4am, and you're hiding away somewhere on the phone,{{I would get off work and finally be home around midnight. It was the only time I could socialize with friends. He didn't like that in the least. So the only time I could use my phone? On the way to work, coming home, and at lunch.}} it's either something important or something happened in my mind. So I ask the innocent question of who it is. Half the time you said it was one of your kids. So I assume they needed something, I shrug it off and say sorry for disturbing, and go back inside.{{Not true. He would hang around and even insert himself into the conversations every chance he got. Red was the only one he didn't do it to because they hated each other.}} There's nothing unusual about wondering where your girlfriend is in the middle of the night or asking what happened. In your mind I'm intruding. In mine, I reacted normally. You can say all you want that I chased all your friends away from calling. But you forget in three years you've never introduced me to ANY of your friends. {{I did but they couldn't tolerate him. They got tired of his comments and snide remarks so they refused to have anything to do with him. Many blocked and deleted him from Facebook or wouldn't talk to me if I was home.}}Not ONE. Red I knew before we got together. The only person ever on your phone if I asked was her, or your kids. But again, another thing you've convinced yourself of. I never knew L, or Tree, or any of these other guys you began speaking to frequently after our breakup.{{Again there were some that wouldn't have anything to do with me until after the breakup. He didn't like that at all especially when Ju wasn't around.}} I would have to even know who your friends are to have any impact, something you disregard. Even when you went to Florida to handle your legal paperwork alone, it was an ex boyfriend who picked you up from the airport and hung out with you.{{Actually again, not true. Red picked me up from the airport. Chris took me to court and back to hang out with Red all day. Didn't have time to spend much time with anyone. I flew out the next evening. Spent some time with other friends and then Chris took me to dinner and the airport.}} I didn't say a word. But you pick and choose these supposed sleights of jealousy you claim I exhibit. {{As I pointed out to him his constant need to bring this up just validates his jealousy by trying to prove he wasn't.}}

As for contact, yes, it is stressful. You have all these notions in your mind, all these illusions floating around in your head you consider truths, and have convinced yourself of your own narrative. When you do things like announce on facebook we broke up because I'm cheating on you with someone in Michigan{{Ju}} (I don't even know anyone in that state), you don't see a problem? You misconstrue or twist everything to fit your word view. {{As you can see, I don't have that problem.}}You're either delusional, unstable, or have convinced yourself your lies are truths for your own peace of mind. Diving face first into that is a can of worms better not opened by anyone but a therapist, so I avoid you when you're like that. As for turning on your webcam, you were depressed and going on about how ugly you feel you are, and how you can't even bear to look at yourself in a mirror. For my part, I complimented you and tried to help your self esteem pointing out various things about you I found beautiful.{{And spent 2 hours on how I should to make myself "feel better" and that he wanted to enjoy it. Not to mention that he would miss never seeing my body again.}} I told you to try and get some sleep, something you claimed you weren't doing either. Instead of going to bed, you took off your robe and pulled out a vibrator. I didn't ask for that, I told you to go to bed. It was a choice of your own, not something I made you do. I said you don't need to do that, and you responded with something about me being entitled to free porn. You consider yourself a whore only good for sex or something, so I assume you were playing off that narrative. You started to touch yourself then started crying. I turned off the call to kill your camera, it wasn't something I needed to see. If you feel it cheapens you, then you need to realize it was your own choice to do it, and you should avoid doing it in the future.{{I'm sure if all the women he did take pictures of doing that for him would feel much the same as I did if they knew he kept pictures as trophies.}}

When you're in a dark hole believing whatever your mind put together, you don't sleep, have horrid nightmares, don't eat or leave your room, and you sometimes harm yourself? That all came from me breaking up with you. I don't like to make things worse by constantly contacting you for any reason. Healing comes from within, it doesn't come from me. You also claim I'm somehow controlling by not forgiving you? It's not some doggy treat being waved in front of you. Not everything is about YOU. Knowing my side of things, what you did was uncalled for, and even the jealous rage underneath your actions was unwarranted. You claimed your ex husband was forgiven endlessly because you loved him, therefore I should forgive you too. That logic is flawed. How many times were the cops called? You said yourself he nearly killed you before you finally learned your lesson. Toxic relationships are not ok, and violence is never ok. Drawing a line and walking away from something unhealthy is not wrong. It has no bearing on how I feel about you. I can still love you, while knowing what you need right now is help, not me. I have never seen this side of you, nor have any of your friends who facebooked me concerned about you. I gave them an honest answer. I've never seen you like this either, and I'm worried as well.{{No he's not. He's enjoying the attention he's getting from it.}} In your mind getting back together will solve all your ills.{{No, the truth is it would give me a goal, something to look forward to. He is clearly not going to though.}} But in truth it won't. You need help to work out your demons. I've never seen this side of you that has come to the surface the last few months, and the more that seeps out, the more you appear a stranger. You keep seeing friends abandoning you, when in truth they just can't bear to see you destroy yourself, so they go quiet. Some were so worried they bothered asking me, something they ordinarily wouldn't do. You have more people who care than you think.{{Again not true. When friends go and begin to agree with his view, they weren't friends to begin with.}} Your own demons are clouding your judgment and making you see things and offenses that aren't there. If you truly wanted help, you would show your therapists what I, or your friends have to say.{{I did. They said he never loved me and if he did he's not mentally mature enough to understand a committed relationship. That he's the toxic one. That he's passive aggressive and emotionally abusive.}} If all you share is your clouded, biased viewpoint, you'll never get the peace you need. I still love you, but just magically calling you, saying I forgive you, and asking you to move back in or something won't make this go away. It's well beyond that. You need more than I can give you, and I truly hope you seek counseling to get you back to a healthy place you need to be." **Anything within the {{ }} is my comments.**

Yet at the end of the day? I still love and would trade anything to be with him. Even when it's been said over and over that I shouldn't. That I was best served to just move on. He won't allow it. I'm sure that eventually he would learn if I had and destroy it by any means that he could. I've been going over the abuse in my life through these journals. I've been finding my way through as best I can. Hell I don't even care if someone reads them or not. If for a moment seeing what I've been through can stop someone from being in the dark places that I have been or tell someone that someone else out there has known these dark places and not feel alone, then it's helped. Even if that never happens, it does help me. I can look back and see for myself all that I've endured. Not to mention it will help on those bad days that I know that I deserve the isolation and solitude that has been imposed on me for the safety of others.

This one was long, but once more I needed this out of my head. I needed to be able to look back and see what has come to pass.

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