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"Temporarily Blind" by Built to Spill [for some reason, this song was stuck in my head while I was laying on the bathroom floor. I didn't even know the song well enough to name it, so I had to go on a bit of a quest to find out]
How much more can I
Bet you can't tell I'm
I need to know where you're
Turn your back on the framing
Turn your back on the framing
Who history doesn't teach
It makes numb
Turn your back on their taming
Turn your back on their taming
January 1, 2017 Sunday 1:01 AM
Wooh! My first post. Of the. Year.
I will tell you what I was doing twenty minutes ago, which was: crying on the bathroom floor. That is always Cool and Fun.
Right now, Ethan's 7 month old cat, Tac, is peekin' out the window. Oh man, I might've forgotten to mention. I'm taking care of Tac for about three weeks while Ethan works out some housing stuff, I dunno.
Tac is cute and he is pretty much the light of my life right now.
Oh, right. Back to the crying thing. I am still kind of crying, which is annoying.
I wish I wrote more about Caroline in this diary. She is kind of a huge part of my life, but I mostly only write about myself... gross.
Sorry, sorry. I'm all scatterbrained.
Midnight passed uneventfully. I was sitting on my couch watching Downton Abbey, which I've never watched before ever... it was on PBS and every twenty minutes they'd fuckin' cut to commercial in an attempt to sell, like, a $300 Downton Abbey collectors DVD set or whatever........ those commercials were like!!! Fifteen minutes!!! It was annoying.
I went outside after watching the thirty second countdown on Fox. Some people on the other side of the block were setting off fireworks, and I watched those until it got too boring and too cold.
Caroline called me so we could talk about college stuff, because she's been helping me with my essay for a while. I think she's having a party in her apartment, because there was a lot of noise and she had to hide in the bathroom so we could hear each other.
She said something about how my essay is, like, about how I am different, to which I said, "Damn it, that's exactly how I didn't want it to sound!" I hate it. Every single one of my essays, I hate. Especially this latest one, because it has been worked over so many times that it doesn't know what it is anymore. It had a soul once. Not anymore.
Anyway, Caroline was still talking, and her friends joined in too. There was this whole barrage of advice coming my way. Stuff I have heard before. Undergrad doesn't matter, school choice doesn't matter, it's what you do with your time that matters, etc. etc. etc.
I dunno. Eventually I just said I was tired so I could hang up because I was already crying and it was lame. Especially because I didn't even really know why. I just was.
Part of me thinks it's because I hate school. I hate it so much.
It's not that I want to go to a specific school really bad. That's not really what worries me, I guess, although I don't really wanna go to a SUNY school either... No, but, like. I just don't wanna go to any school. At all.
I'm tired. I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired.
Like, okay. I'm sorry. Because I could probably do SOMETHING with my life if I tried, but I'm really really tired and I want to give up. And yeah, it doesn't matter where I go to school, because wherever I go, I'm just going to be tired. As usual.
So I'm never gonna make anything of myself because I'll always be just barely alive. What is the point. I mean, if that's how it's gonna be, why go to college at all? Seriously?
I have a will to live.
I'm just frustrated now. Fuck, I give up. I've wasted a lot of time on this stupid bullshit. Not even just applications, but just.... school. All of it. Ugh. I hate learning. I hate doing. Leave me alone.
I am pretty much sand, is how I feel.
All loose and spread out and I don't have a shape. I'm at the mercy of gravity, okay.
You can probably take that stupid metaphor farther. Say something about how I can be a 'sandcastle'... all clumpy and shit... then dry and back to how I was before, which is a Flat Nothing. But you have to do the rest of the work, because I'm tired and annoyed.
God my nose hurts. Still have not stopped crying.
That is Caroline's fault. She keeps texting me. Momma told her I was crying, and then Caroline felt bad, and she was trying to reassure me about college even though that isn't what I am worried about. I got frustrated so I started crying again, because she doesn't get it.
She would probably get it if I was honest with her, but the truth – which is that I am an incompetent human being who is easily depressed by Everything – is embarrassing, and I can never tell anyone in straight words. I can't even have someone tell ME I am depressed without getting all choked up.
I'm kind of pissed at my body.
I thought that by now, it'd get with the program – I was hoping I'd get really sick. Like, really really sick. Right now. So that I'm hospitalized and I don't have to move anymore.
That's a bad thing to wish for. I would probably not be pleased if my wish came true, maybe.
But I mean. I have also wished for one of my parents to die just so I could get a few days off from school without feeling shitty about it.
God damn it!!
I wish Caroline would stop telling me that I'm going to be okay! I am fine!!!!
Obviously I'm not great, but I am okay and it's fine. I don't like this situation. It seems like drama, which I do not like.
At least Tac is here. He is cute, all stretched out on the bed with his eyes shut. Hah. His head is resting in the cup of my discarded bra. Comfy Tac.
So I shall end this entry with a small prayer.
Please, body. Please get sick.
And don't anyone out there come up with "be careful what you wish for" feedback shit! I swear to god. I know that line a million times over. It is tired. This whole entry is tired.
I know I shouldn't wish to be sick. I know that if I get sick, I will probably regret wishing to be sick.
But guess what? If I get sick, it won't be because I wished for it. That's not how the world works. That's not how science works.
So cram it. Call me ungrateful, or childish, whatever. You try fucking living with this for fucking years and then call me, tell me to appreciate my life. Yes, I'm selfish. Yes, I'm stupid. Yes, I'm angry and unreasonable and it's probably my fault that I am this way.
But fuck you. Fuck all of you, all of you people that told me to get over, all of you people who told me to cheer up, all of you people that told me it was my fault, all of you people that tried to fucking get me to realize that I have a great life as if I didn't already know it!
FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. TAKE MY LIFE. TAKE IT, I DON'T EVEN CARE, YOU CAN HAVE IT, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I DON'T DESERVE IT. I AM TOTALLY BLIND TO WHATEVER IT IS THAT I HAVE.
FUCK ME BECAUSE I AM HORRIBLE. I AM ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE and I hate everything about myself and I hate that I'm always struggling to stay rational, to stay calm, to stay present so that I don't go fucking diving off the deep end, going on long rants that make no sense, like I am doing now.
I don't even want to die. I just want to sleep. I wish I could inject more meaning into that word: sleep. But I'm dumb. I can't make things sound pretty any more than I can manage to just... be happy. What. DId that sentence even make sense.
Sorry. I usually police myself. I talk about how I'm being "stupid" or "crazy" and I just try to curb the bad thoughts, to keep things in perspective.
But that is very hard, and I am losing.
Whatever. I will be fine in the morning and this will be embarrassing.
Happy new years, pray that the Gods of Sickness will bless me with some non-fatal, but somewhat incapacitating, illness before the year is out (no comas, thank u very much. I know I keep wishing for sleep but god damn it not tHAT).