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I Wish For Death (Haha... Just Kidding..)
Nocturne Op. 48 No. 1 played by Ashkenazy [the part where it gets Loud. I can sort of play the beginning of the loud parts now!!!]
December 15, 2016 Thursday 10:10 PM
Today was the first good day in what feels like a while. Things went well at New Visions. Sarah, Chris, and I were all preparing our project for The Jungle (We're doing a game-show parody that Sarah, master of puns, coined "Your Life's in JEOPARDY!").
It's jeopardy style and we have it so that there are teams: bosses, canners, meat packers, and politicians; the game's set up so that the bosses and politicians are pretty much guaranteed to win, even if they don't know any of the answers. Our game is cool as shit and super in line with the theme of The Jungle, is what I'm trying to say.
Sarah named all the categories because, as mentioned, she is a pun genius. One of the term categories is "It's Term-inal." The other is, "Come to Terms With It." Dude, it goes on. She's got a mind like an... insert simile here.
K, well. As we were setting up the board, we were talking about 2016 and making jokes about how it was such a terrible year, world-wide.
Then Chris said, "I think all around, 2016 was just a bad year. Not even just for the world, I mean personally."
Sarah's like, "Same," because apparently a couple people she knew died. Jeez. That really sucks. I tried not to think about it too much.
But I was like, "I don't know, I think this is the best year of my life," which they kind of just stared at me, but how was I supposed to explain the last four stupid years of my life. Like, they weren't great, emotionally. Obviously I'm still having problems, but at least school is Kool.
Probably being a small kid was better than being a seventeen-year-old, but I was too young to realize I was in a meat body. Too young to appreciate.
Chris is six feet tall. Six foot six actually.
And he couldn't open the god-damn gold glitter glue bottle. I had to open it for him. Chris, I said, Chris, have you never done art? He was like... "Well – no!"
Alexis, Liv, and I went to Washington's classroom for lunch. He was buzzy and panicked like he always is; that's his charm. Anxiety, angst, and self-deprecating humor. He is the best teacher ever (excluding Sandwich and Mr. Rayes... they're, like, on the same level. They're definitely not the same, but on the coolness scale... ya).
When I walked in, there were a couple other kids in there including a semi-genius from the year below me. Washington grabbed his arm and was like, "Do you know Veronica?"
I smiled and waved. We were in the same Spanish and Chem class last year, and bio the year before, so he was like, "Yeah."
I shook my head, "That's a myth," and Washington probably protested but I dunno because Alexis walked in and he said, "Another brilliant mind!" and it was nice. He doesn't say that to a ton of kids (probs). We're just cool. B)
Liv ended up coming in later. For a while, Washington was talking about recommendation letters.
"I'm gonna finish yours right now!" he said to Alexis. And then at some point, he said, "It's the best kids that are the hardest to write for. Like YOU guys!!!"
He finished my letter sometime in November, though. I'ma come back to read it after I submit my applications, and then I will cry. I told him that.
"Mr. Washington, I'm going to come into your office at the end of the year and I will cry," I said.
"I don't have an office anymore." He used to be some kind of head history teacher, but it stressed him out so he stepped down.
"I meant classroom."
"I will cry too," he said.
As we were leaving, we said we'd visit him after coming back from university vacations. Washington was all, "Yes, see me at a time when you won't owe me anything!"
I was like, "Washington. We talk about you all the time! You taught us so much! We're not just here out of obligation!"
He did the teary-eyed puppy face and clutched his hands over his heart, like, aww you guuuuuyyyyyss. Then he said something nice to us, and complimented Liv on her own shining brilliance. She shriveled up, made a bunch of weird noises, and said something probably like, "Dawww I can't take compliments!
I dunno, it was cute and I'm glad he said that to her. She's been really, really stressed out lately. The other night, she texted me at like 1 in the morning... and when I asked her the next morning if she got to sleep, she said she didn't.
Liiiiv. I just want her to move in with me.
Today, she told me, "I'm really stressed but then I just imagine you from last summer or – when were you doing art for that application for the art program?"
"Dude, that was a really long time ago. Like, in January and February of 2015." That was about a month into our friendship.
"Ohhhhh, wow," she said, "I thought it was the summer for some reason. Well, I just remember you in the sunlight and it makes me happy."
I laughed and told her that was corny.
Ahhh. Had another half-talk with Isaac today. He keeps wanting to draw me and I keep saying no.
"I'm going to draw you and you're going to like it."
"Noooo, c'mon. Don't." That's me.
"I'm gonna," he says.
During eighth period, he followed me to Sandwich's room – I had to go fetch some stuff I'd left there.
"Let me draw you."
"Don't you wanna be my muse?" he asked.
"What, you don't wanna be a muse?"
"Not really. What's the point?" I think that's my argument against most things. What I really mean is, how does it benefit me at all? In this context at least. Sometimes I really do mean What Is The Actual Point.
"I was your muse once." He's referring to how I started painting him last year. I plan to finish it at some point, but right now it's just his face and his wrinkled t-shirt, no features, lying on my bedroom floor under a bunch of other crap I haven't had time to clear away.
"That was for like two weeks," I said.
As I was locking the door behind me
(if I left it unlocked, Sandwich would probably be all like, "Really. Guess I can't trust you with anything," kinda joking but also actually a little put off)
Ahem. As I was locking the door behind me, Isaac said something about me being in one of those moods again, where I barely talk to him.
"It's driving me crazy," he said, "And not in the good way."
"I don't do it on purpose," I said.
"Well, I kind of hate it."
"I don't know, Isaac, what do you want me to say?" He didn't reply to that. I kinda wish we did.
But at the same time, the whole conversation felt a bit gross. Our conversations have taken on that feel. I don't know if I was imagining it, but it was like we weren't really talking about what we were talking about; like there was some hidden messaging going on. It felt dishonest and weird and if he wants something from me, I wish he would just tell me. But I guess he probably wishes the same of me. I can't tell him anything though. What is there to tell? I'm way too confused to say anything that makes sense, and I don't want to try to explain my anxiety and all that shit. It feels like an excuse. Or sometimes, like a decoration. Something to just... heighten that apparent appeal I have – someone who is hard to get to. Assuming that is the appeal.
It has its benefits, being just closed-off enough to keep people interested... but it also feels like a constant lie so I wish people would leave me alone. I don't want to be the way I am. I really don't.
I remind myself every day that there is no reason to be cold towards Isaac, but when I see him, I just can't help avoiding his eyes and hunching my body forward, staying quiet. Curling in on myself. It happened with Adrian. Adrian is now a pro at this business. When I get that way, he leaves me alone. He's been giving advice to Isaac on how to deal with it, but Isaac just gets mad.
He kicked a chair and left Sandwich's classroom today. This isn't an isolated incident.
After he left, Poo-tray – who was in the room talking to Sandwich – was like, yo, what's up with him?
I don't know exactly who said what following that, but I know Poo-tray was at some point like, "Oooo I get it. You guys were almost a thing and now stuff is weird."
"But there's something going on. I could tell..."
Sandwich was all, "She went to planned parenthood yesterday. Got his baby out." (Something like that at least) because that is how he jokes. He wasn't even smiling or anything, it was amazing.
Then Poo-tray and Sandwich started talking about pregnancies and pregnancy scares.
Yo we're going to Rhode Island on a field trip tomorrow! We're visiting the body exhibit and Brown University. Yo. I cannot wait.
Gotta get up early tmrrw. Bye.
December 19, 2016 Monday 10:37 PM
I feel kind of bad. Isaac was kind of pissed at me.
He kept trying to approach me today, bringing up that thing again: "You're driving me crazy."
Him: "See?!?!?!?! That's exactly–" and then he left the room. He came back later, sat around, left the room in a huff, came back, sat around, left the room in a huff again.
At the end of the day he was waiting outside my last class and was all, "Hey, Veronica."
I said, "Hello, Isaac."
Then he was like: "Listen, I don't care what Mr. Sandwich thinks. He doesn't matter. I care about your opinion, because you have good taste –" (at this point, I kind of didn't know what he was talking about and I still don't).
Then he was all, "I like you, friend, blah blah blah, we're going to hang out over christmas break."
And finally I stopped him. "Isaac. No. Please, just.. give me some space."
So then he stopped walking and said, "All right, Veronica, I'll give you your space."
I kind of made eye contact with him once more but he looked away, which is usually my thing, god damn it.
Lily was there during the whole exchange and as soon as we got a ways away, she started laughing! What an asshole. A lovely asshole.
12/30/2016 --- hey remember that time Veronica wrote an entire entry and then didn't publish it until days/weeks later and remember how THIS HAS HAPPENED MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE PAST YEAR GOD DAMN IT.