Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2016-12-27 23:18:34 (UTC)

My 2016 Review: Success and Failure

I keep this diary so that I can look back at my past and see how I've improved. Sometimes I feel like I can lose focus when my mind is focused on work all day. This diary helps me take a break. Anyways, today I'm going to write about 2016. What went well and where I can still improve. Last year I made two resolutions:
(1) Encourage my classmates, let them know they're not alone.
(2) Be less isolated. Make as many friends as i can with the little time i have. Try to be super friendly towards EVERYONE.

I accomplished both of those 100% with my class-mates. I haven't done a lot, but the stuff i did was amazing! Ice skating, eating out, talking in my car until 2AM. It's amazing how many people need your help, most people just don't see it in their daily life. I hope I'll never lose the friends I've made this year. :)

This year was all about work and classes. I managed to dig myself out of a hole, boost my GPA and pass my 1st big PhD qualifying exam.

This year I've felt pretty isolated. I didn't have a social life. No girlfriend or any regular friendship with anyone... The only reason I'm close with my group of friends is because we are all struggling; that commonality binds people together. Last year (2015) I struggled in grad school, I didn't tell anyone how I bad things were. I felt alone. When the new students came in I really tried to meet them at their struggles. I think that's what made us so close.

Another bad thing is work. I just feel like I've accomplished nothing towards my PhD. I feel really bad about it, I have this feeling that my adviser thinks I'm a worthless piece of crap that just messes everything up. I have learned a lot of basic cell culture things. I can now do the bare minimum to maintain and grow cells in the lab.

Because of how dead research has been for me, I've had a lot of bad thoughts. The thought that maybe I'm wasting my 20s. I feel discouraged and doubtful. I'm fearful that my passion for physics has been smothered by the constant failures.

Honestly, things aren't that bad. I've done well as a teacher. I've passed all the exams I've studied for. I've boosted my GPA. I got into all the research groups I wanted. I have friends. Research has just been what it always is... slow. I need to accept that. I need to accept that I'll fail over and over again, and that I can't give up!

So 2016 has been a mixed year. Some good, some bad. My biggest threat has been psychological toll: Expecting success and receiving failure. If that cycle happens enough, you'll go crazy and lose hope. Right now I'm terrified to make any goals because I'm afraid I'll fail.

Honestly, right now I need encouragement. Thinking about this year has made me feel depressed. It makes no sense, almost everything I've wanted I've received. Yet, a few failures and I'm so unhappy with my life. Maybe I've been putting too much trust in myself?? I know I need to put more faith in Christ. I also think I need another human being. Being away from my physicist friends for 10 days now for vacation has really hit me i think. That sounds ridiculous! I cannot even be away from my friends for a week before I want to go back. But yes. Right now I just need somebody to give me emotional support.

There's something about women that have this soothing spirit to them. I can't spill my emotional problems to my brother; that's just not going to happen. But the girls I know right now have absolutely no problem doing it to me. It's one of the most amazing feelings, when they're opening up to you emotionally it cracks my shell and I can really talk about my own feeling to them. It's a really enlightening feeling. From my experience it's only girls that have this "superpower". All my guy friends are so much more analytic.

Maybe this is all just dumb. Maybe I just suck at spilling my emotions. I'm a pretty technical guy, I'm a male physicist and engineer! I don't think in terms of feelings. Emotion I see as a crutch, sort of a toxic elixir that messes with my brain. I'm afraid of it and I can't open up to the wrong, judgmental person.

Yeah, I just need somebody (female?), a listener, who can listen to me and keep me sane.

I guess I'll go see what my younger sister is doing. She came in like an hour ago; probably watching something on netflix.




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