Snuffy

Danielito
2016-12-27 19:11:51 (UTC)

Christmas alone

The holiday season has a way of making us reflect. It has a way of magnifying existing emotions, good or bad. Unfortunately for me, it was bad. I woke up and spent Christmas morning alone. Mary had London this year and I wasn't going to see her until the afternoon. I went to church at 9 but I didn't feel anything. I felt numb and uninterested. The speakers were boring. I went back home and just slept.

Around 2 I texted Mary about picking London up but she didn't respond. I called, nothing. It was frustrating. I couldn't help but think about how she was with her fiance and his kids, with London, as one big happy family on Christmas morning, too busy enjoying the holiday to even check their phones. Checking Facebook was a mistake, as I saw a handful of people getting engaged. I don't know that I felt lonely, I just felt cheated. Like a child who sees his friend get cake for no reason and he didn't. Everyone is winning the lottery except me. I think the word is jealousy. Envy, perhaps.

It's embarrassing to admit that I'm having these ugly emotions. I feel immature for having them. But I'm human.

Christmas morning, I longed to have a family. I have parents and I have sisters but I wanted to have a spouse and children to share special moments like Christmas together. The truth about my feelings (or lack thereof) for Amanda had never been more bitter. I have been dealing with the disappointment brought on by not being physically attracted to a girl who was otherwise perfect for me. Hanging over my head like a dark cloud was the difficult conversation with Amanda which needed to take place ASAP--a conversation letting her know that I wanted to be just friends, nothing more. And on Christmas morning, I regretted that more than ever.

Mary eventually called me back, sounding cheerful, like she hadn't ignored me, all like, "Oh we're just home. You can come get her any time." If she only knew I had been dying all morning to see my daughter, to go to my parents' with her, to open presents and finally begin Christmas... But of course, she couldn't know because she never knows. She's always so blissfully unaware of others' needs. She's consistently late and hardly ever gives you a heads up. She's inconsiderate without ill intent. So you can't even be mad. But I tell you it's frustrating as hell. And she's never reachable by phone. I like to know what's going on and I like things to go as planned. It's never the case with her and it drives me nuts. So this Christmas when she was an hour late to give me London, and 3 hours late to get her from me last night, she was just being Mary. But it was extra frustrating for me.

Anyway, I finally got to open presents with my parents and London. It was the only time I felt happy, and it lasted exactly 12 minutes. Ok, I don't know the exact duration but it felt short. Then we went to Aunt Kathy's and Uncle Ken's which is always a drag. The house was over-crowded, I'm having to act interested in what my extended relatives have to say. London doesn't respond well to stupid grown ups trying to get a reaction out of her by teasing and asking ridiculous questions, so she's rude, then I look like I'm raising a brat because she's acting like one, but really, the adults are acting like morons. London is used to being spoken to like an adult, not like a dimwitted child. And why do some adults think it's funny to poke fun and provoke kids? It's so annoying. Anyway, we finally leave all that awkwardness, and I got to go to Brandon's to play with his new lap steel guitar. That was also fun. Not very Christmas-y but fun.

We went home and went to bed. I let London sleep in my bed as a Christmas gift to her, while I took the couch. I slept terribly but whatever.

We drove 2 hours to see my sister, Elise, in Walla Walla. I read Harry Potter to London all the way there. That was pretty fun. We got to Walla Walla around noon, but my parents were ready to leave by 4! So we left.... 4 hours in the car to spend 4 hours at my sister's house. It wasn't worth it... It sounds mean but we should have stayed longer to make it worth the drive.

I tried to look forward to an evening to myself before I had to start the work week, but Mary ruined that by staying in Spokane until 7, and picking London up at 10, instead of when we agreed.

As I type this, I'm realizing how I've focused on the negative instead of the positive. I did get to open presents with London, I got to be around my family, which I do like, I got to read Potter with London, I got to hang out with Brandon and his new lap steel, and I got to watch a couple of classic Christmas movies with London. So that's a great Christmas. But my heart was feeling sorry for itself. It was my choice to be unhappy. Perception is everything. I chose to be a sourpuss.




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