X-mas is just another day
Today instead of putting up the email that I really want to, I decided to forego that and instead begin about RSS. His complete obsession with the life he was accustomed to. Not the real life that was there.
I met RSS's mother first online in a chatroom that I would sometimes go and hang out it. I was still married to my ex-husband during this time. I had no friends save for 2 that sometimes Gerold would let me have. One is my brother Wes. The other was not always allowed to be around which was Chris. Gerold had gone out of his way to be sure that I was isolated. If I tried to leave the house, he would either page me or when I had a cell phone, call me until I finally answered. I had no peace. When I was home, I had to answer the phone each time that he called. If I didn't then I was subject to his rage when I finally did. So the few friends I made online were dear to me. Gerold had even gone so far as to log into my messengers as me to see what I was talking about. He would talk to those on that list to try and prove that I was doing something I wasn't supposed to. I could only talk with my family when he wanted something. His family? Well that was another story. When we finally had gotten the internet, that was the first time I could have friends that I didn't have to hide from him because friends = wrath.
Well during that time I had met Mim first. In going to the chat room when I had time and Gerold chose to let me on the computer, I would eventually meet RSS in 1998. We hit it off and talked often. I didn't really tell anyone what was happening with Gerold. I was terrified he would find out and that would end me going online. When Gerold was on, he was looking for women. He'd get them to send him pictures of themselves and the nice, wonderful husband that he was would show them to me and tell me things like "if you did a few more sit-ups you could be beautiful like her," "if you put on some make up, you might be a little attractive", "if you stopped eating so much you would lose weight and maybe even be sexy to someone". These were frequent things that he said to me along with reminding me that I was stupid, never would amount to anything, and I was lucky to find him because he took pity on me to bother loving me. Since it was everything my mother said to me, it had to be true. Well of course she never talked about my looks save to tell me that I would never have a man in my life because I would always be fat and that my face wasn't enough to pass for even being a hooker. That I would be lucky if some dumb ass took pity on me to marry me.
All that aside, RSS and I hit it off and became friends. I look forward to talking to the few friends I had made in that chat room. It was one of my few outlets. Gerold didn't allow me many. Well fast forward a few years. My mother had died. I was stuck with her trailer that was in shambles but it was still there. My uncle and I had taken turns going over to clear things out and try to make it livable. I had thought to rent it out. Well RSS had gotten a hold of me and said that he was in trouble and needed to get out of where he was. I offered to let him come down and rent the trailer on the condition that he fixed it up in lieu of rent until he got a job. He agreed and I worked on helping him move.
Wes wasn't living with Gerold and I at that time and things had gotten worse and more violent. Gerold had also gone to "having a heart attack" when things were bad. They were always panic attacks or that was what they were labeled as. I knew they were just another way for him to make sure that I was under his thumb. He would spend the night in the hospital, get sympathy from everyone, and I would be stuck during that time at home with the kids. Something that was becoming common place. I had no one that would watch them. RSS finally moved down and into the trailer. He stayed there and handled things himself. I was home most of the time when I wasn't at work. I was only allowed to go to work and home. Nowhere else.
Sometimes I would stop by the trailer to let RSS have a ride somewhere if he needed it. He got food for himself and took care of things for himself. One night I had stopped by because I just needed someone to talk to. Gerold had gone to the hospital again for another "heart attack". Wes was moving back in. Money was tight and we were about to lose the lights because Gerold spent all the money we had on strippers and alcohol. I didn't know what to do. While I was sitting there pouring my heart out Gerold showed up. He threatened RSS and me. I finally went home to make it all stop. As soon as I got through the door, Gerold was hot on my heels. Once he got through the door, he grabbed the back of my hair and turned me towards him so that he could accuse me of everything under the sun. Basically everything he had done but instead it was all me and not him.
Wes had come home and Gerold had let me go. I went to the dining room table and sat down. I was crying because after nine years of all the abuse, I couldn't take it any more. Wes stayed out of things for the most part, but when I finally told Gerold that he had to go is when things got a little ugly. Wes came to where I was because Gerold had that look in his eye. I had given Gerold chance after chance because I loved him, but I was finally to where love just wasn't enough. Gerold left and said that he was going to his mother's. I didn't stop him. I sat there and cried because I had failed. Wes would tell me that I hadn't failed, but deep in my heart I knew that I had. If I had been a better wife, if I had just done as he said and tried to be attractive for him, if I had just done better. I had let everyone down. I had failed and my mother's words and Gerold's were coming to pass.
The next day the power was due. I had to run around everywhere trying to get the money to pay it since Gerold had chosen to refuse to give me the money to pay it. I had managed to get the money to pay it but they had already cut it off. RSS had gone with me to help me with the girls and trying to get everything done. When we had gotten back to the house, I had sent the girls out to play. That way it wouldn't be too hot for them while we were waiting for the power to come back on. That evening Gerold showed up and wanted to take the girls for the weekend. He had told me that if I didn't give them to him, he would call CPS and have them take them because I wasn't fit. I didn't have any electricity so all he had to do was call the police and CPS and they would give the girls to him just based on how unfit I was because of the lack of electricity. I was scared of that so I let him have them. He said he would bring them back Monday. I felt I had no choice in it.
RSS and Wes were both there with me consoling me because I couldn't think straight. I kept having the feeling that I would never see the girls again. Gerold had told us the entire marriage that if I ever left him I would never see the girls again and that I would have to live with that. RSS, Wes, and I sat up most of the night. I had called my father because I needed him. He spent a couple of hours talking to me. From there things would only get worse. I had just gotten out of nine years of hell to soon begin another nine years of a different kind of hell.
I'm going to stop here for now. Nine years is a lot to type out even for me. There's 18 years between both of them. Chris and R were easy. Chris wasn't even a full year. R wasn't even 3. So those two wouldn't be hard for me to work with. Gerold and RSS? That's going to be a lot of typing. I haven't forgotten about my mother. That's most likely going to be broken up since it's the biggest bulk of the abuse I endured.
R put up another song again. I didn't bother this time. It's just another thing to point out how crazy I am. He hasn't answered the email and I doubt that he's going to. If he does, I'll be surprised. Though as Wes, Luna, and BD have said most likely it will be only dismissing what I said and the proof that I was given as being crazy and delusional still.