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2016-12-22 17:56:34 (UTC)


Today has been a busy one. I got a response from R last night and of course it was loaded with everything he could to tear down everything that I've been working so hard to get beyond. Just going on and on about me being delusional and crazy. I was truly upset by it. Thankfully those real friends that I keep close were there to help me through.

I responded and for the second time I didn't do so in anger. I was honest and called him out on everything that he is either believing as truth but are lies or trying to ply half-truths. This journal alone shows how hard I've been working to pick myself up. No matter how much I love him and want to be back together, I have been working on me. I AM trying to pick up the pieces. I AM getting through the pain but it doesn't take away the simple fact that I love him no matter what he does or will do. He hasn't responded and this time I don't think he will. I put proof against what he said up there for him to read once more. Be it his own memory problems (that have been a known issue long before my slapping him) or he's doing the passive aggressive pretending to forget so that he doesn't have to take responsibility still has the jury out. Though I'm leaning more towards he is just passive aggressively forgetting.

I spent much of the night talking to Robyn. Then when I was fully calm once more I began to pick through things that he had said. I also blind copied it to two of those friends to read. One had asked me to so that she knew what was said. Being confronted with proof though may just make him worse. It's a chance once more I'm willing to take. Just as others are going to start taking a stand against not only his lies and bull but that of those he's been talking to, those supposed friends. The ones that he claims hasn't abandoned me but have gone silent. Pretty much one in the same really. He even dared to say that I don't really know how many people really care about me. No most of those that went scurrying to him did so because they care about the drama. They love to see it keep going. Not tonight or tomorrow, most likely Saturday I will go in depth into RSS. It's time. Especially since R decided he would amuse himself with lying that RSS had been sleeping in my bed when "planning to pack and move to live with" him. That's an outright lie and called him out on that as well. You know, the same RSS that harassed me the moment he learned that I was single. And even after being blocked and deleted still tried to find a way to try and add me to his life again.

All that aside, the job I really, really wanted came through for me today. I had orientation and I was excited to go. Tomorrow I have hours to continue training. The nice things about it? I don't have to worry about gas or the car breaking down. It's all done at home. It's good paying and I don't have to leave the house. If I wasn't trying to heal I wouldn't have even bothered with a job. This one though I'm thrilled about. It's something I can do and do well. It's something that I don't have to go out and deal with people. It's something that I am not tearing my body up over. While I may still be in a place of self loathing, and I will admit that I am. It's nice to be doing something. To have something to be responsible over once again. I didn't much sleep because my brain freaked me out over thinking I was late for the orientation. So of course I'm getting bone tired now. Though if I go to sleep now I'll be all messed up tomorrow. So I'm doing my best to stay awake longer. Too early and I'll wake up in the middle of the night. Robyn is working and enjoying her job. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of how all my kids turned out. They may not always know it, but I am. They're the one thing I really got right.

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