Experienced Life
2016-12-18 22:16:32 (UTC)

The Pain of Losing the Kiddos

So... I wasn't clear on what happened from Mid-Sept till the Monday after Thanksgiving 2016. Well, I did something stupid. I let the ex come back with the kids. I just wanted the kids so bad that I had to make a deal with the fucking devil again.

I knew that she would come and she'd go as usual. I weighed the options and felt that at least I'd be with the kids for a little while. I'm there to help them grow up and teach them how to be as good a person as I could teach them.

So I focused on the family. 11 yr old boy and 14 yr old girl. The girl is smart. She has As in school so I hardly had to help her. The boy on the other hand I'd have to help a lot. He was doing better. Working on getting him Cs and maybe a B was possible. We got a long great. My boy liked sports. I signed him up for basketball, watched him at practice when I could, went to his games and we'd go to the park basketball courts to practice on our own.

I'd help cook or bring home meals. Paid for almost all the bills. I took the family as a whole on outings too of course. Movies, parks, fishing at the river, trips to San Fran, etc, etc.

I was planning on taking the kiddos to the seasonal thing they have here called Winter Wonderland. Lots of lights shows and it was like a fair only it's at the Winter time.

I'd drop off the kids to school before work. Every day, we'd talk and I'd ask them how their day was. I treated the Mom as nice as I could too. I thought all was going great but I was wrong. And I knew it was going to happen again.

Came home the Monday after thanksgiving from work and "poof", they were gone again. Even though the ex promised not to do that again. Even though she'd leave in a more dignified fashion should she feel the need to, she lied and didn't do it.

I had a feeling something was wrong and even before she split, I told her that she is only fooling and hurting herself and the kiddos. Now that part I lied because I guess I was hurt too. They were gone and we didn't even get to say goodbye to each other.

I didn't freak out. This happened before and I knew this was so very possible. Still hurts though. Fucking house was a mess because they of course left in a hurry. Back to Nevada they went. I assume anyway. Whatever. My daughter managed to scribble a quick note. She said she and my boy loved me and that "You know how Mom is".

I think about the Thanksgiving we had. All four of us. Strange thing was that my boy, my 11 yr old boy said that we should all hold hands together and say what we have to be thankful for. When it came to my turn, I said that I'm thankful for having my family there with me. But that evil person there had already planned on leaving again. How evil can you be to be there and pretend that all is going well? Two weeks before Thanksgiving, the ex drove back to Nevada saying that her Dad was sick and she still had a doctor's appointment there with her specialist regarding her back problem.
Well, a week later she called and said that she needed a ride home from the airport because her suv broke down. I at that time already knew something was up.

All that time she pretended, plotted, and bided her time to split while I was at work. How evil is that? To plan something like that. we were supposed to give it a try and that we were supposed to talk it out instead of making any stupid decisions. Either way, we weren't supposed to do shit like this anymore. We're too old for that crap.

So how long has it been now? About three weeks? From setting up a mtg with my boy's teacher to follow up on how he is doing to just coming home to an empty house again. I don't scream (except for when I got home from work that Monday), I don't cry. I didn't buy nine cats. I just started to do the normal cleanup of the house. Took everything that would remind me of them and throw it out.

I can't sleep so I drink till I pass out and get up in the morning to go to work. I try to get by working and keeping busy with my hobbies and hanging out with my friends.

It's somewhat in control except when I sleep. I have nightmares about the ex and them leaving and all the bad crap that she's done to me all those years. It's like reliving the nightmares again and again. So tired of this. I accidentally went to bed at a decent hour once so I could get up early to go kayak fishing. Bad mistake. Nightmares came in and woke up worse than having a few hrs sleep.

The only bad things I feel when awake is the regret that I did to the kiddos. I feel bad that he doesn't get to finish the basketball season. I feel bad that I didn't hang around with him enough. I feel bad that I didn't spend more time with my daughter. If I scolded him or her, I feel it ten times worse now because it's magnified that much more when they are gone.

Now I've hit my limit. Can't do this anymore. I don't know why I was stupid to let this happen again in the first place. This is a life changing event for me and something's gotta change. All I wanted to be the best Dad I could be. That isn't happening. I get it.

So even though I'm old, I think I've finally decided to work out again. I've gained 50 pounds since I used to work out. I'd jog 3-4 miles on the treadmill 2-3 times a week. I'd be surprised if I could do 2 miles once in a week now. I'm so out of shape. And I'm not in the mood for a gym. To be honest, it's boring as fuck.

However, things have changed nowadays. They have boxing now. Not for people who want to only box but for a way to get into shape. This to me is interesting and could be my calling. So, I bought a groupon for this and will start this up in a week or so. Who knows? Maybe it'll even help me socially.

As far as my dart league, we are kicking ass in that. My dart rating went up two digits from the beginning of the season. I guess it's because I have more time on my hands to practice. lol

I still kayak fish. Went somewhere new last weekend. I always enjoy the water on a lake or river. It's so freaking scenic. The views from the water is breathtaking. You are sometimes out there all on your own with nature. Sometimes, no sound except for your kayak treading the water. Hardly catch any fish but that's ok. I still have a blast and it's so relaxing to me. Keeps me sane.

Regarding the new year? I expect nothing knew will happen. I gave up all hope of a new beginning. If there is to be a new beginning for me, it doesn't have to be at the new year. It happens now or when you decide to do something about it.

That's all I got for now diary. Thanks again for keeping me somewhat sane if not at least a little less crazy.

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