Broken Soul

Dancing with the Loneliness..
2016-12-19 02:21:20 (UTC)

Bored Ramblings..

Boredom is beginning to pain me. I feel the urge to cry at how bored I am, but the tears just won't come. The clock keeps ticking, the days come and go so quickly, and life is simply passing me by. I feel like I'm stuck on pause, and everything is playing on without me. My body wants to get up and do something.. but my mind is so battered that it'd rather bask in all this dark depression and say fuck it all. It's a constant battle.. I find myself cringing, wanting to claw at my face, and SCREAM! I'm losing it. I'm fucking. losing. it.

I used to believe that things would get better. That if I had a positive mentality, did good for others, and worked hard, that the Universe would reward me with good things. Instead, the Universe saw fit to spit at my face with every good deed.

- I once gave a homeless man $20 and he cried and hugged me, I felt so wonderful.. so happy that I could do that for another person. Later that day I lost my wallet with all my money and credit cards.

- One time I decided that I was going to take charge of my life, finally go to the gym, stay on a steady diet, and save as much money as I could.. after about a week or so of that, I totaled my car, and chipped my tooth and was bruised allover from the accident.. Found out the cop who showed up to the scene wrote the accident report down wrong so I couldn't get the full amount back for my car, although the other guy was at 100% fault. The cop dodged my every call and visit to the station until time ran out, and I was unable to get the report revised.

- Again, I tried to head back to the gym and better my life.. I got sick that very night, and kept sneezing and sneezing. Sneezed so bad that I threw my back out and was bedridden for two weeks. It
was unreal. Finally went to a chiropractor when I wasn't getting any better, and found out I popped my tailbone out of alignment. Fun Fun!

- The day I had finally decided that I would give my kidney to my father (his are failing from diabetes).. my mother was diagnosed with cancer..

My life is one big cosmic joke. Rape her, shun her, rip her family away, fuck with her head, and make her feel worthless. Does some cosmic force want me gone? Was I supposed to give up and end it all awhile ago? Who knows.. But I know I don't want to die. I never will. I'm depressed.. not suicidal. I embrace the darkness, I embrace the loneliness, because it's all I've known for quite some time.
But throughout it all, I'm not completely lost.. I do love my boyfriend. He and I actually spoke about the drugs I found. He admitted to using the Oxy, but only for pain. I'm not stupid, I know he takes too much at once.. but those times are few and far between. Of course that doesn't excuse the drug use, but I'm willing to work through it if he is. We all have our vices. I mean come on.. I'm drunk while writing diary entriesXD I'm far from perfect.
Anyway.. it's late, I'm tired.. G'night.




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