2016-12-18 22:51:17 (UTC)

Another step back

I've spent enough time on the present. I've even admitted everything from start to end. Now it's time to take another step back. Before R there was Chris. How to explain Chris? Again to the beginning.

I met Chris in junior high. Miss Zantop's class. He sat not far off from me. Then, I was a different person. I had finally broken through being shy. I was rebellious. I slept in class because of partying the night before. I was usually hung over and still managed to pass that class. Even I don't know to this day how I managed that. When I was a teenager I was able to fake confidence. I was able to fake being a person. Far better than I can now. When I was alone? I was more myself. I used to write poetry. I used to write stories. I could let my mask down and be that lonely person I normally was. To this day I wish that I could remember how I did that. I do but it took a lot of weed and drinking frequently. Most of my teen years I was stoned out of my gourd or drunk as hell.

Chris was my best friend. He was my conscious. He was my brother. He was my friend. Our friendship wasn't always conventional. We tried dating but that ended up more like kissing my brother and so that ended quickly. We agreed friends was best. For years it stayed that way. I couldn't ask for a better friend. He saw me through the worst that I could hit and at times the best. I had plenty of lows. Those times when my mask would fall, but around him I was safe. Well mostly. He never lost that love for me. Yes I friendzoned him.

He was there through my abusive marriage. He was there through all the low points of my life. He'd subtly disappear when I was with someone since most all the males in my life used him in some fashion and then sent him packing because he was a 'threat' for being a friend. My closest and best friend.

After my dad died I was determined to return to Florida. I had broken things off with RSS. That was long over for years and was toxic. I had agreed to try and be friends with RSS but in the end that was a failure. Not just because of R but also because of the obsession that I was for him. Still am it seems.

Back to Chris. When I got back to Florida, Chris was one of the first ones to reach out to me. I was glad to be back around my friend. A suggestion of my friend was to open that door and see what happened. After heading to Key Vista Park one evening Chris and I talked about things. We agreed that there would be no promises and that we would see where things led. I didn't hide it in the least. He didn't want to come over to the house due to RSS being there. So I spent my days off over at his place. The work week was spent at my place. It was my escape from the craziness of my house. It was one of the few times I had peace.

The problem came in the form of RSS. I had learned that when I was over at Chris's, RSS would read my Skype messages. When I was home and on the phone, RSS would follow me around and eavesdrop on my calls. If I went out to smoke and talk with friends, sure enough RSS was right there. It was near maddening. I couldn't for the life of me understand why it bothered me so much when R would do it. I think it was because it just reminded me of that. And of course G did the exact same thing. Wanting to know what I was talking about, who I was talking to, and making sure I wasn't saying anything bad about them. I think it's also why I gave up on any real privacy. Why should I have it? I didn't through all this. Checking my computer for what I was doing and saying. Checking my calls. Monitoring every little thing I did. Checking my phone. Even logging into my accounts and pretending to be me. I've had so many online accounts for this reason. I even have a few that to this day no one knows about because it's the only privacy I've ever had.

Back to Chris though. Things were great for the almost year we were together. RSS had moved in with my son and his girlfriend. He ruined that of course. Guess as I understand it RSS slept with my son't girlfriend while my son was out of town. Well that ruined that. He returned to live with me briefly. I made it clear that it wasn't permanent. This would be me moving him to some friend of his in Cocoa, Florida. When that happened, things seemed to be so much better. I didn't hear a word from RSS during that time. Chris and I were fine save for he would live for his computer and would drop me for his friends at a moment's notice. That annoyed me, but I swallowed it because it was his friends. Of course I wasn't invited either and I didn't say anything. What could I say? I'd sit at home and find something to do.

RSS popped back up when he was in Orlando. Guess he had it pretty bad there according to him. Finally one night he got a hold of me and begged me to come get him from Orlando and let him stay a day or two with me so he could move to another chick's house. He offered gas money (which he didn't have when I got there) for the ride back. I left with Pita and his girlfriend at about 9 or 10 that night. All in all we got back to the house at like 6am. We all crashed where we landed. I made it to my bed and that was all she wrote for me.

Later that night when everyone had gotten up once more I had heard from Chris. He was planning on coming over that night. I hadn't expected it since he had been sick. I had tried to reason with him to just stay home. He said he was fine and that was that. When he got over to the house everything seemed fine. It was a decent night. That is until I guess RSS lost his marbles. He looked at Chris and in front of everyone had told Chris that me and RSS had slept together, how about that? My eyes went wide when he said that and I looked at him like he was on crack. I couldn't believe he had said that.

Chris for his part, got up and left. I turned on RSS and tore into his ass. Right then and there I told him to pack his shit and GTFO. RSS was actually stunned that I was that furious. I went in the house and tried to call Chris who didn't answer his phone. I left a few messages and tried to explain what had happened. It wasn't what RSS had said. I don't think I slept much that night.

It was the next day when I was on my way somewhere, I don't even remember now. I think it was work. Chris called me and started chewing me out about how I betrayed him and how could I do that to him! How dare I do that! Yet I tried to explain things to him including the night drive to Orlando. Chris chose to believe RSS over me. He told me he never wanted to speak to me again and hung up on me. Twice now I had been kicked in the twat because the guy that supposedly loved me took the word of an asshole over me. I wasn't even hurt. I was furious. Chris had taken the word of someone he claimed to hate over me. So for nearly a year I didn't hear anything from him. I didn't even bother to call him. I wasn't going to argue over something I felt betrayed over.

During that year was when R had said that he loved me and the rules began. I had spent that year alone and learning to accept that that was my life. That I would not have peace. I would not have love. Either I didn't deserve it or it was never meant to be for me. I still believe that it's not meant to be for me.

It was just after R had told me he was divorcing his wife that I heard from Chris. A drunken text in the middle of the night. I told R about it and of course his jealousy kicked into overdrive. He was still at me because RSS was still in my circle of friends. The problems that RSS had tried to pull with R was much the same as when I was with Chris. I expected R to take RSS's word about lies just as Chris had. Instead R would rip my ass about it. So when I told him about Chris it was one more thing that he tore into me about. Another "threat". But it was fair for him to have all his women. The ones that he couldn't be bothered to introduce to me all the while demanding to know everyone I knew.

Not once thinking that it wasn't fair at all. It was him trying to make himself right. R is very good about that. Making himself right and taking no blame in anything. Chris was the only one that supported me when I was going to move in with R. Chris remained my friend and to this day still is. He still is one of my best friends. He still supports me as a friend should. He took a step out of my life when I was with R because I had been honest with Chris about everything that R felt about him. Chris would only talk to me on Facebook in the open where it could be seen so that I wasn't judged over it.

I don't talk often to Chris these days. He doesn't think I should love R and that R is bad for me. He may be right and is once more acting as my conscious, but I can't help how I feel. I don't have any prospects and to be honest I'm glad that I don't. It just means waiting for that day when either R begins the path to walk together or he finally removes me from his life.

I have forgiven Chris for what happened with RSS, but I don't have the trust in him to try that road any more. I thought that I did, but I just don't have it in me. What if R says something? What if R starts something with Chris because R wants me to remain miserable? Will Chris take his word on things like he did RSS? I just can't take that chance. So I am willing to wait forever if it has to be for R. My mother did for my father. The sad thing? When she got her chance to have back what she lost, she died. I guess that will be my fate as well. Something about that gives me peace. If it holds to her, then I have 9 years. Might as well make the best of them.

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