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2016-12-18 11:50:09 (UTC)

Test itself

So I passed the test and the class with a B. Considering everything that happened during the semester I can't even believe that I had that. I should be proud, and I am little bit. Thing is, the person I want to make proud of me isn't alive to be proud of me. My father would be upset over the mess my life is instead. He would tell me that he's disappointed in me for what I've done with my life. He would tell me that since I was the one that ruined things, it is up to me to make things right no matter what it took. He would have really liked R. So I know that he wouldn't see the grade or that I saved my GPA. He would see that I had been disappointing and that I've become this monster that attacked another person. That takes away some of the pride I would feel about it.

Not to mention R won't be too impressed. He thought it was stupid that I was going back to school in the first place. He posted on my Facebook that he was glad that I stuck with school and that irony wasn't missed at all. He'll put up something about that it's good that I passed or some other condescending thing like that. It'll look good in front of his friends, not that they can see anything on my Facebook. Most of my friends don't even bother with it. Just like me, they ignore it. That's fine as well. Up to them. If they aren't my friends, then why don't they just block and delete me? Oh that's right. If they don't read it occasionally they have nothing to gossip about with each other.

The holiday isn't far off and each day closer reminds me how miserable I am and will be. R sent this lame text for Thanksgiving as a little reminder that he was with his family and happy. I'm sure I will get another one of those texts on Christmas so that once more he can remind me how wonderful his life is now without that "abusive bitch" in his life anymore. He loves having any chance he can to remind me that he's better off without me. I had told him that in beginning but he wouldn't listen. Yet here he is happy, has friends, has his son, has his family, his life, and the freedom to enjoy all the women he can. He's perfect. Me? He knows I'm miserable. Just the way he likes it. His friends talk to me from time to time and each time I tell them that they are better off not talking with me. I don't need him getting pissed at me because HIS friends talk to me. That's one thing he simply won't stand for. Hell he told me to remove all of his family because he simply didn't want to have to deal with telling each of them the embarrassing story of what I did to him. I didn't though and refused. That pissed him off more.

In either event, the test is done. I passed. Now I have a couple of weeks before I have to get into school here. Then it's another semester to start most likely in January. The break might be nice, but doubtful. Just means more time to sit and think. Means more entries. Eventually I'll show this to the so-called friends. Give them more to gossip over. They'll love that. That should be their gift from me.