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When the world falls down
So it's funny. The vast majority of my friends only want to hear me being bubbly and happy. I'm not allowed to be upset over anything. So I guess I should get to what led me to being how I am and why I punish myself so much.
I knew when he and I got together that he had cheated on his wife before he had even said that he loved me. I knew that he loved women online. I should have just accepted it, but I couldn't find myself trusting him online. He had had me remove basically all the male friends I had ever had in my life because he had thought of them as 'threats'. He had told me constantly about his "nymphomaniac ex girlfriend" and had even gone so far as to point out places they had had sex when they were together. Just about every conversation in those last few months had something about her peppered into it. It ate at me. I won't lie about that. He would get upset if I compared him to an ex, but he consistently reminded me about her, compared me to his exes, compared me to the women he had cheated with. Though he swears to this day that none of that happened. He never said a word about them.
This past August, a lady came into our online chatroom that we were in. He was taken with her. He met her while I was at work. He and I role played online basically like D&D but on the computer. She was a role player that had just wandered in. I guess those two had talked all night until I got home from work and had a blast. I didn't think anything of it at first. She seemed nice enough. As a few days passed, he convinced her to get Skype. He was the only one on her Skype. They were talking morning, noon, and night on Skype. During this time, I had started seeing a doctor about on going back pains that had been getting worse. There was talks about me having to take off of work because of it. I've never been one to just stay home and not work. I don't do well.
Well this lady had given us both her Facebook. As she said was so that I didn't think she was a threat. As soon as R saw her page he kept going on about how perfect she was. How simply gorgeous she was. How he thought he knew her. He was practically drooling over her. They had still talked in Skype every chance they got. I found out later that he was even talking on the phone with her while I was at work. He would get off the phone with her before I got home. As he was getting more drawn to her, he was ignoring me more often.
Well she finally added me to Skype and I had set up a group chat for the three of us. R had wanted to add her to what he and I had in the chatroom. I had set it up so that the three of us could use it to talk about things. It got used one night. That night he sat up all night talking to her but didn't use the group chat because he "didn't want to wake me up". I was starting then to not like things. I was having that gut feeling that something was going to happen. I tried to ignore it though. I tried to ignore it and kept it to myself.
The next week, that Tuesday I was taken off work for two months. That was a blow for me. I wouldn't be working which meant that I wouldn't be making money. I did my best not to lean on R for anything. He paid the bills for the most part. I paid everything else. I also couldn't help thinking that he wouldn't want me because I was broken. I couldn't work and because of my back I couldn't do much. If that wasn't enough my jeep overheated on the way back to his house. (I don't call it home or the house any more. I'll get to why soon enough.)
I called him to help and had to deal with his mother being angry. In the end I had the jeep towed back to his house. When I got back there, his dad and him looked at the jeep. I went to go call friends and my daughter so I could tell them what happened. The next day he had a big home inspection which meant that we both spent all night cleaning the house. We barely made it in time for the inspection.
When it was all done, he sat down and started talking with J. He didn't say anything to me except that I should go take a nap. I didn't. I eventually did but it was fitful since my back hurt. The next day we were running out of smokes so he got a hold of his dad to take him for some. They were gone for quite a while. They had tried to see about getting the part for his truck fixed. Wasn't going to happen. So he got a few things from the gas station and came back. Once that was done, he was back on the computer and back talking with J. I would talk to her occasionally, but she seemed to be his focus.
The next day wasn't any better. He had left with his dad to go get a part for his truck so that we had a vehicle. While he was gone, I had let the dogs out. I had been looking for one of the animals that we had and I couldn't find it. When I did, it had been mauled by something. I quickly got the dogs in and tried to get a hold of R so I could tell him. My daughter had been yelling at me on the phone to not move it because it was too heavy. I hadn't planned on it. When R got to his house finally, he went out to take care of things. I was pretty upset about it.
Again when it was done, he sat down on his computer and began talking to J. He talked to me briefly then I was ignored. So it went the rest of that day and night. The next day was at least peaceful. We took the day off to decompress from everything. Saturday was much the same except I had stayed up all night that night to spend time with him. Sunday morning, his son was at R's mom for the night. We were running out of food and had to do something. He borrowed one of his parents' vehicles and we went food shopping. We ran errands and got back to his house. We got everything in the house and I was up for a bit. He seemed to be dejected and once more was all about J. When I finally did get some sleep, he seemed excited about it. I felt like it was because he could have his whole focus on J. When I got up, I had school work due that night and had to do it. I got it done, and it seemed that things would return to normal.
It was short lived though. The next night a fight would brew. He called me immature. Told me I was being a bitch. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with things with J. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with how close they were. He went to bed because of it and refused to hear anything.
When I got up the next day, I hadn't seen him in the house. I had tried to sit down for my first cigarette of the day. I heard his phone ring only once. I didn't know where he was and went to look for him. Turns out he was outside. I couldn't help thinking that he was outside hiding the call. I went out the side door to find him there on the phone. He was laughing and having a good time. I turned around towards the house once more as I felt a tightness in my chest.
As I headed back in, I heard behind me, "did you need something?" It was rather snide as though I had disturbed him and it irritated him. I said no and headed back inside. I sat down and tried again to have that smoke. I couldn't do it. I got up and walked back outside again. I stood there for a minute until he looked at me. I knew who he was on the phone with. I asked anyway. "Who are you on the phone with?" He narrowed his eyes at me, "why? Why do you need to know? What is it to you?" My eyes widened. I could only answer in one way. "I always tell you who I'm on the phone with when you ask me." Again he looked like I had pissed him off. "This doesn't concern you. It has nothing to do with you. J. We're talking about ending the story." This did have something to do with me. And I said as much. "No, it doesn't. It has nothing to do with you. Go back in the house." I had tried to find out why he was being like this.
Finally I walked back in the house. I sat down and I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't. I pushed my keyboard away and went outside. All I could see was him laughing and joking on the phone once more. I was going to tackle him, but came up short. I tried to reach for the phone, all I could think about was I wanted him to listen to me. He pulled it away and grabbed my arm. I slapped him. I was going to again, but he had caught my arm with his while holding away the phone. I slapped at the back of his head to get my arm free. He loosened his grip and I got free. I tugged on the phone a few times and he did as well. Finally I got it away from him. I threw it across the yard.
I yelled at him that I was tired of him treating me like shit. I was tired of him treating me like I didn't exist. Then I yelled "fuck you". And I went back towards the house. As I did, it fully hit me what I had done. I was still angry, but at the same time I was mortified at what I had done. I had never done that before in my life. I had been beat by my mother and my ex husband. I had never wanted to do that to another person, but I just had.
When we got back in the house, once more I had told him that I felt he was cheating with J. I couldn't stand it any longer. I felt that he didn't support me enough with all I was going through with my back. At this time I was doing physical therapy that was painful. All he had done was give me a pat (I had reached out to pat his head, he told me not to touch him so I pulled my hand away.) on the head and a that's too bad. He looked at me and told me we were done. I fell to my knees and kept saying no, please no. He grabbed his things and his son and left. I sat on the floor and cried. I got my shoes and my stuff as I expected the police to show up. He had enough right. I called my at the time best friend. I had told her what had happened. She initially couldn't believe it. I asked her to talk to him.
He was gone for a while. I sat there on the floor waiting. When he finally came back, I was laying in the bed because I couldn't sit on the floor any longer. It was killing my back. My friend had called me and I had given him the phone. He went outside to talk to her. When he got back in he told me that I had two weeks and that I was moving to Ohio where she lived. I was in shock. I said that I didn't want to leave. He told me there was no way around it. He had made up his mind and it wouldn't change.
He went into the backroom after that and began to talk to J. For her part, she was sending me condescending text messages. That night I slept in my jeep. He had told me he didn't feel safe in his own home with me in it. The next day he would tell me that I could have his bedroom and he would sleep with his son. He was spending every waking moment he could on the phone with J. Hours they spent on the phone. When she wasn't on the phone or Skype with him, he would do everything he could to force me out as quickly as he could. He would also have sex with me as often as he could. Friends would call me so that I could drown the lovebirds out. About that time an ex would start harassing me. One of my friends would offer be my bf to make him go away. Finally I was able to make said ex go away and stop harassing me.
R was nice enough to drive me across country when I finally found a place I could stay. I was given 2 weeks to pack my stuff, find someplace, and move. I had wanted to wait until January so that I had money, but he insisted that if I stayed that long he would hate me. He does anyway. After that happened, I started counseling. I relive that day every day.
I don't feel I deserve anything. I am hard on myself. I punish myself. My friends have told me to just get over it. That I have to let myself heal. I've read articles online that say that I should have my ass kicked because of what I did. I still love him and he goes back and forth from being angry and hateful to telling me he still loves me. My friends have deserted me because I'm not happy go lucky. Instead they have embraced him as the new messiah and the victim of the evil bitch that he is. They have cut me off. R has said that I have no remorse for what I did. I have plenty. I wouldn't punish myself so hard if I didn't.
They just don't get that you can't shut things off like a light switch. I still love him. I want to be back with him. He punishes me more with going back and forth from hateful to he still loves me. I've tried moving on, wasn't impressed because guys are nothing more than women are just for fucking or creepy as hell. I've tried healing from this but I'm reminded of what I did. I became everything that I hate. I'm honestly trying to heal, but I don't find much to be happy about. The only person that I love hates me. Everyone tells me to heal and get over it. I actually had a counselor tell me that I have a responsibility to tell everyone I know that I have abused someone so they have the choice to trust being around me or not. I have 3 maybe 4 friends that listen to me. The rest? They tell me to get over myself. To stop doing the pity me thing. All because I'm still punishing myself over what I did. I don't intend to ever do it again. Yet I can't stop myself from loving him. I can't stop myself from wanting to be with him and if I end up dying alone because he doesn't want me except as one of his webcam women, I can accept that. I will accept whatever he gives me. I won't have another person in my life because that's the only way to ensure that I don't ever do it again. It also is the only way I can stop hurting. It's for the best. Unless once more my friends want to tell me what's best for me once more.