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2016-12-17 15:36:59 (UTC)

Today continued

So I messaged him and then he goes on my Facebook and likes a song and even wishes me good luck on my final tomorrow. What's interesting about that? When I had made the decision that I was going back to college, he had basically said that it was dumb. He didn't really encourage me. He was getting my Christmas gift. A laptop. I was excited because it meant I could do school on that and have my desktop for fun and games.

I was laughing about the idea that he was getting me a laptop and he couldn't figure out why I had found that so funny. I hadn't told him yet that I was going to go back to school. Finally I told him and that it was great that he was getting me such a great gift. It meant that I could do school on it. He stopped and looked at me. He got that look, the one he gets when he doesn't usually agree with something. "Why would you do that?" The question was like a slap in the face. I was nervous and excited about the prospect. I was in a good place finally that I felt going back to school was the best thing I could do for myself. I didn't have a lot of hours at work and it would give me something to do.

His simple question began to make me question myself. Should I go back to school? What was I thinking? I'm too old to go back to school. I second guessed myself with that one question. Suddenly he did the 180 thing. It was good that I was going back to school and so forth. After that, nothing. I had mentioned about my GPA and that I was proud of my 4.0. He basically thought it was dumb and worthless. I worked hard to keep it up. Yes now it's only 3.8 and I kick myself for that, but I just hear him repeating that it's dumb over and over. I still second guess myself with school because of what he has said about it. Even seeing people cheer me on brings me down. I feel like I'm letting them down because it's not a perfect 4.0. Sometimes when I hear his voice about school in my mind, I keep thinking I should just drop it. It's dumb really. I shouldn't even bother with something I'm not very good at. Trying to pretend that at 40 I can go back to school is just the dumbest idea ever.

I have to start a new college this coming semester. I'm nervous again and thinking it's not a really good idea. I've debated if I should even bother. This would be the first time I quit on my own. The other times I've tried it was because something happened and I couldn't continue. Do I want to? No. Though I can't help his voice in my head telling me still that it's a dumb idea.

He never answered me though. When I messaged him I mean. Just played it on Facebook. I don't even know if he bothered to read it. I don't think so. If he did, then he's sharing it with all his friends and laughing about it. Somehow I believe that he's been laughing about all my efforts and anything I've ever done. I guess it's deserved. I feel like a failure enough that everyone should be laughing.

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