Getting through the years
I woke up from a really weird dream. I had a dream that one of his friends tried to get a hold of me. Sent me a message wanting to 'talk' to me. I was skeptical of course. I didn't respond. Instead I woke up. Now I'm here. So I guess I'll continue where I left off.
For the first month after I moved in things were bumpy. I was scared and anxious. When he would pick fights I would either just retreat or if he got my temper going I would say I would just leave. I finally sat down and explained to him how thoroughly my situation was considered on edge. He didn't own where he lived, his parents did. I had given up my entire life to be there. If he decided to say GTFO, I had no where to go. I had no money since I had no job to leave. I had no friends there to stay with. I had nothing if he decided to toss me out. This would always be something that hung over me for those same reasons for 3 years. All the way until he dumped me a few months ago. That prophetic thing came to pass.
I'm getting off track. Not long after trying to get passed that, there was a real problem. I stayed with him through the emergency and supported him the best I could. Things passed and it seemed to settle once more.
The days were spent with me cleaning, him complaining about it. I would spend time looking for work. He complained that I didn't need to work. I should just stay home with him all the time. I wanted to work. I wanted to be around people. It was also a hope to make friends. Other times I would be on the phone with friends trying to socialize, which he didn't like either. He constantly complained about my phone. Through the years he would blame my phone for everything. Yet it was the only way I could stay in contact with the family I had left and my friends.
Again, I'm getting off track.
I spent time on Facebook while he spent all his time playing games on the internet. Occasionally we would spend time together, but for the most part it was the same day after day. I thought it was because he wasn't in chatrooms. I was right to some degree. Again a recent find as to the why behind that.
August of that year, I got a part time job. He didn't like it one bit. For me it was something exciting. There wasn't many hours but it was something and I hoped to work into something more. Now my life was work, clean, and find something to fill the hours when he was spending it on the computer. Also listening to him complain about how much he hated that I was working.
I'm shy by nature around people. I don't open up. I know that I'm not easy to live with after the abuse at the hands of my mom, my ex-husband, another ex, well okay so most all of them abused me in some way. So it would take time for me to make friends. I was beginning to at work though.
The first holidays there with him were lonely for me. We went to his family's house for them. No one there talked to me. He would occasionally. I escaped to my phone outside to call family and friends once more so I wasn't so lonely. In all 3 years I had a few friends. A few of him was his family but nothing that could be considered real friends. Most of my real friends still lived across the country.
My first birthday there was exciting then a complete disaster. The weekend of my birthday he took me to the city for the weekend. An extravagant hotel, visited places he thought I would like, and just spent a weekend of pure pleasure. I felt like a queen for that weekend. He never knew how much that weekend meant to me. I doubt he ever will. Where the disaster comes in is after. My birthday, a friend bought me some Honey Jack. The weekend after my birthday, he decided we should drink it.
Before all this I had convinced him to return to online chatrooms with me once more. This was a mistake. He was once more looking for those vulnerable women. He would pick fights with me over nothing. He would blame everything going wrong on me. The weekend after my birthday, he and I started drinking. The woman he was really interested in had come online and into the chatroom. He spent the entire night with her and even cybered her right there in front of me. I eventually ended up a mess in the bathroom because I couldn't believe he had done that. I tried to forget it but I couldn't. It was always in the back of my mind.
We fought more after that. Finally he just gave up on online chatrooms once again. Not fully, he would eventually creep onto them when I was at work and continue his quest to find women that would cam for him and masturbate for him. He has an addiction to that I think. We were barely physical. Maybe once a month or so, and through all 3 years it was only when he wanted it. Anytime I tried, I was always batted away. He got more into games. I was working less and it was showing. I was home more and while he liked that, the fights were getting worse. He didn't want to spend time with me. He didn't seem to want anything to do with me. I think he resented me.
I would eventually change jobs to a full time job. He, of course, hated it. He would tell me often that he wanted me to call in. He wanted me to stay home. He wanted me home more often. Have "sane hours". He liked the money when we needed it though. Even with all that, I thought that things were getting better. We'd still have fights. They weren't as often any more. He still didn't help around the house even being home all day. He didn't feel cleaning was something that needed to be done. He'd play video games. He'd watch stuff on his computer. Sometimes if I went to the bedroom to watch tv, he might join me. Most times though I was there watching tv until I napped and then rinse and repeat. We'd sit in the computer room together but rarely said anything to each other. There was occasional affection but mostly I think that was so that he could see what I was doing on my computer.
I had friends that got annoyed with him. If I was on the phone in the house or on Skype with friends in the house, he would have snippy comments or get snide while I was on the phone. Finally I started going outside to talk on the phone. It was better since I got better reception and well there wasn't comments from him. Instead he would follow when I went outside and ask me who I was talking to and hang around for a bit. When I got off the phone, he would complain about it. He would tell me I was on it too much.
I will continue more later. This is only year 2 and heading towards the conclusion that led to my world being shattered. Many may read this and say he was abusive. Maybe he was. Yet there were good times where things were great. He was attentive, affectionate, but there were bad things too like the isolation and the jealousy. I still love him even after all this. My friends tell me I'm crazy. They tell me to stop. Thing is, it doesn't work that way. Can't just turn things on and off. Can't just make myself stop loving him. They are always telling me that I should just give it up. Maybe I should, but I can't. I can't help that I love him. I can't help that he's the only guy I want. The rest? All the ones I've encountered since him? They are all sex starved idiots, shallow, or only want a quick one night stand.
I'm leaving this off for now. I may pick it up later. I may not. Still trying to get through the thoughts. Putting them here is far better than messaging him which I've wanted to do. Just say hi, see what he would say if at all. I'm sure the friends that have deserted me to cuddle him have told him the same things they told me. "Block and delete her. Be done with it. Get rid of her." He hasn't listened and I told them that I wouldn't. I may message him I still don't know yet. Time will tell.